I Remember Television


Milton Berle Show

It's a classic episode of the Milton Berle show with special guest Frank Sinatra!

AIRED: November 19, 2017 | 0:56:15

(gentle guitar music)

(upbeat instrumental music)

- [Man] Now wasn't that nice?

- Hello! I'm Jessica Greenwell,

and welcome to I Remember Television again.

Take a walk with me through the decades.

The '30s through the '40s were years

in which America suffered great economic loss

and then entered another great war.

Luckily Milton Berle was there,

on the radio telling jokes and lifting spirits.

Now as we enter into the '50s,

the American economy is booming,

but the country is facing high racial tension.

But Milton Berle is still there, now on the TV,

continuing to bring smiles but also using his platform

to bridge social divides caused by rifts and race.

Not just anybody is worthy of the title of Mr. Television

but Milton Berle couldn't be more deserving.

His first television series, The Texaco Star Theater,

went on for five seasons with Texaco as the sponsor,

until they pulled out.

The show then continued with Buick as the sponsor in 1953,

renaming it as The Buick Berle Show.

This brings us up to speed for tonight's episode.

In this kickoff to Season Six,

Milton and Frank Sinatra compete to star

in Tallulah Bankhead's Broadway show.

What lengths will the two go to,

to see their name in lights?

Let's join Milton and find out, as I Remember Television.

(melodic instrumental music) (siren blares)

♪ Oh, we're the men of Texaco.

♪ We've worked from Maine to Mexico. ♪

♪ There's nothing like this Texaco of ours. ♪

♪ Our show tonight is powerful. ♪

♪ We'll value you an hour so.

- Hey, wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Will you wait a minute?

(audience applauds)

Hey, come here.

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you fellows?

What are you doing?

What song are you singing?

What song is this?

- Just our opening song we always sing.

- But yeah, you know I have a different sponsor this year.

This year I'm selling Buick.

- You are? - Yeah.

- That's wonderful. - Congratulations.

(audience applauds)

- If we're ever in the market for a car

we'll come down and see you.

♪ Oh, we're the men of Texaco.

♪ We work from Maine to Mexico. ♪

(whistles) (audience laughs)

- But I don't think you understand.

You see this year, we're not singing the song.

You see this year, you don't have to poke my choke

or scrub my hub!

(audience laughs)

This year, didn't my secretary, Max, send you a letter?

- No!

- That secretary, Max!

Max, come here!

Max, come here. - Yes, sir.

(audience applauds)

- Boy, this is murder.

Max, didn't I tell you to send them a letter

telling them the engagement is off?

- Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you meant our engagement!

(audience laughs)

- Well, you're the right girl for this program.

Buick is the car with the hole in the hood

and I got a secretary with a hole in the head!

(audience laughs)

Oh, boy.

Well this year, it's gonna be different.

They have a Buick song and you gotta find a new song.

Trust me, we have a new program.

We have an all new station,

and the Canadian Television Network has joined.

Now this year, this is the way the show is gonna open.

The song starts off this way, you see.

(lively instrumental music)

- [Announcer]It's the Buick Show!

It's the Berle Show!

It's the Buick Berle Show!

(lively instrumental music)

Presented by the Buick dealers.

♪ How I love to drive my Buick

♪ with my love sitting by my side. ♪

♪ Pretty girl and shiny Buick

♪ fills a fella with so much pride. ♪

- [Announcer]With Milton's guest stars

Tallulah Bankhead and Frank Sinatra.

♪ For I know that very soon

♪ we'll take a honeymoon.

♪ My Buick,

♪ my love and I!

(lively instrumental music)

(overlapping shouting)

♪ Have you seen all the billboards and posters ♪

♪ in this autumn of 1953?

♪ It will be Season Six but we shall see, ♪

♪ Milton Berle!

♪ Milton Berle!

♪ On TV!

♪ He was first of the funny coast-to-coasters ♪

♪ Right!

♪ Who appeared at the swell little spot ♪

♪ Who has cheered up the people with his laugh, ♪

♪ Who has cheered through the better beat and knot ♪

♪ With a faster frame

♪ Milton Berle you made

♪ A show worth having

♪ I'm inclined to feel Berle is sure but here ♪

♪ Being great

♪ Great

♪ And the coolest ever

(crowd cheers) (lively instrumental music)

- If I do good this year, I get the rest of the car!

(group laughs)

♪ Milton (sings): I am thrilled by this welcoming committee ♪

♪ Make us laugh

♪ Make us smile

♪ Take us in

♪ But if you folks expect me to be witty ♪

♪ Piece of cake

♪ I must say I have a big surprise for you ♪

♪ I have changed my point of view ♪

♪ I'll explain the state of mind I am in ♪

♪ I wanna bid TV adieu

♪ And be a star on Broadway

♪ I want the thrill of something new ♪

♪ To go and get

♪ And be a hit

♪ My foolish heart

♪ Beats like a hare

♪ I want my name to flicker here ♪

♪ And I won't feel right

♪ Till my opening night

♪ I've got the Broadway malady

♪ Far away

♪ Wander free

♪ Watch his jump

♪ Feel the beat

♪ I've got the Broadway rhythm

♪ I feel so great

♪ I wanna act

♪ Knocked you in

♪ Hands together

♪ We can clear to celebrate

♪ I wanna act

♪ Not to you

♪ Hands to skill

♪ I wanna act

♪ Oh

♪ That Broadway rhythm

♪ Dance dance dance

♪ Oh

♪ That Broadway rhythm

♪ Dance, dance, dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

♪ Now dance

- Alas, for Eurich, I knew him well.

(group groans)

♪ Goodnight

♪ Milton

♪ Come on

♪ We'll be on our way

- Oh no, it's corny to do that!

Oh, no!

(lively instrumental music)

♪ Feel the beat

♪ Of dancing feet

♪ Take the avenue

♪ We're taking it to

♪ 42nd street

♪ Take us to the time

♪ We'll find a four star play

- Kids, let me tell you something.

That's why I write to find the rhythm.

That's why I like the rhythm.

This year, I wanna go for two.

- You're kidding, of course.

- No, I'm not kidding.

- You've been planning all your life for this moment.

It's not easy to change at your age.

- My age?

Are you kidding?

♪ According to the census 45 is my right age ♪

♪ And since I've been a kid I've been ♪

♪ appearing on the stage.

♪ I headlined at the Palace in Detroit and Dallas ♪

♪ and I was out in Hollywood.

♪ They said that I did jolly good. ♪

♪ I realized one ambition,

♪ making good in television.

♪ I've appeared in everything

♪ since I was knee high.

♪ Should you ask me what's my favorite, ♪

♪ this is my reply.

- What about radio?

- Well...

♪ Radio's on the beam

♪ It has husky swedish

♪ Lookie schlitz

♪ Ricky's beaches

♪ Pumplesridge

♪ Clean and forward dodgeball

♪ Hicks backs boogey ball

♪ Michael witch lookit there

♪ Linden's lilies women wear

♪ But it hasn't got the thrill

♪ of the opening night.

♪ Wake up to see what the critics will write. ♪

♪ That's why this is my goal.

♪ I wanna star on Broadway.

♪ This is my home sweet home.

- What about television?

- Well...

♪ Television's okay

♪ Because it has quiz shows

♪ With crazy nights

♪ Rust hanging on the angle

♪ Howdy Doody

♪ Blooming oody old town

♪ Mrs. What's her face

♪ Uncle Miltie ate the nine

♪ Ask him after Valentine

♪ Hopalong

♪ Jake and Molly

♪ Kukla, Fran and Ollie

♪ But it hasn't got the people

♪ standing in line.

♪ You take the words from Rodgers and Hammerstein. ♪

♪ That's why this is my goal.

♪ I wanna star on Broadway

♪ And make it my home sweet home ♪

♪ Believe me

- What about Hollywood?

- I knew you were gonna say that.

♪ Well

♪ Hollywood's okay.

♪ It has Clark Gable,

♪ Betty Grable, Walter Able,

♪ Warner Stable, Mya Sable

♪ Put some babel

♪ if you're able.

♪ And there's movie forces

♪ quick divorces

♪ sprick divorces

- And Marilyn Monroe!

(audience laughs)

♪ But it hasn't got the memories ♪

♪ that you can keep.

♪ The kind of happiness that makes you wanna weep. ♪

♪ That's why this is my goal.

♪ I wanna star on Broadway

♪ and make it my home sweet home. ♪

♪ Television is fine and dandy

♪ Radio and Hollywood are dandy too. ♪

♪ But I love the glamour

♪ of doing a drama.

♪ That's why I wanna do something new. ♪

♪ There's just one place for me ♪

♪ and that's near you.

♪ Take it from me,

♪ I'd work for free

♪ just to be near you.

♪ So whatever I may do,

♪ it all depends on you and you and you. ♪

♪ I love you all,

♪ and I love to be near you!

(women vocalizing) (lively instrumental music)

(audience applauds)

(lively instrumental music) (dancers cheer)

- I'm not kidding kids. I'm gonna

be a real, legitimate actor.

Really, I'll be like all those Broadway stars

that have their pictures hanging inside these restaurants.

After for my opening night, they'll wanna hang me, too!

(audience laughs)

I'll be another John Barrymore,

another Lyle Barrymore, another Ethel Barrymore.

Last year, I couldn't say Ethel.

I had to say Sky Chief Barrymore!

(audience laughs)

Well, that was a gas.

Well, I gotta go over and see something

over at the newsstand. I wanna buy

a Variety, and see what's playing.

Evening, so long kids.

Hiya, Fred.

- Oh! Hello, Mr. Berle.

- I would like to have a Variety, please.

- Variety. Yes, sir.

- There you are.

There's a dollar. Keep the change.

- Thank you. - Wait a minute.

- Six, three? That's a lucky dollar!

(audience laughs)

Another dollar. - Thank you.

- I don't think you heard about it,

but this year, I'm going to go legitimate.

So I bought the Variety. I wanna

see what plays they're doing.

Yeah, I see Michael Abbot is cast in Late Love.

- Are you okay, sir?

(breathes heavily)

- Max, you're out of breath. Why

are you late? Why are you late?

- I have a bad ticker.

- A badticker? Your heart is bad?

- No, mywatch stopped!

(audience laughs)

- Don't worry about that. I'll get

you a new watch, one that fits your personality.

Acuckoo clock!

(audience laughs)

Max, the reason I called you down here on the street,

I want you to make a list of all

the Broadway producers that are producing

Broadway plays, because this year

I'm gonna do something different.

I'm going to go legitimate.

- Oh, Milton. You're finally gonnamarry me!

(audience laughs)

- The girl still has a one aisle mind!

No, look! No, I bought the Variety. See? The Variety!

That is the Bible of show business.

- You hold the Bible, I'll get theminister!

(audience laughs)

- Look Max, didn't you promise me

that you wouldn't mention the word marriage?

Didn't you promise me? - Yes, Milton.

- That you wouldn't mention it. Well, why

do you mention it?

- You know my word'sno good!

(audience laughs)

- Will you do me a favor? All I'm concerned about

is getting into a Broadway play.

I wanna be a very big star on Broadway.

- I want you to... - Oh, Milton!

- What is it? What?

- It says here Tallulah Bankhead to do new play.

- Tallulah Bankhead.

Well, I'd be great with her.

I can just see the billing now.

"Bankhead and Berle."

No, no. I'll give her a break. I'll make italphabetical.

Berle and Bankhead!

(audience laughs)

And we'll be great. You know,

I wouldn't worry about the billing

because a little cooing

will take care of the billing.

- But Milton, it says that Tallulah's considering

Frank Sinatra for leading man.

- Where does it say that?

- Right here, Milton.

- Frank Sinatra and Tallulah Bankhead?

Well, that's silly. (audience applauds)

What are they gonna do, the battle of the baritones?

(audience laughs)

- Milton, isn't that Frank Sinatra

over there, at the newsstand?

- Where, where, where?

(audience applauds)

- You got a Variety handy?

- Oh Variety, yes.

- Big movie star now, gets applause when he buys apaper!

(audience laughs)

Well, this is one part that he'snot gonna get.

I'm gonna do this play.

Look Max. You go to the corner drug store,

call up Tallulah Bankhead on the phone,

and tell her I'm going over to her

apartment in about 20 minutes.

I wanna talk to her about appearing in the play.

Call her on the phone. There's a dime.

- Now, I need another dime.

-Another dime?

It's only a 10 cent call.

- But I always get stuck in the telephone booth...

- Yeah?

- I need another dime to tap on the

window for somebody to get me out!

(audience laughs)

- Here's another dime.

Dial M for meshuga!

(audience laughs)

- I beg your pardon.

- Frankie!

- Milton!

- How are ya? - How are ya, boy?

(audience applauds)

- Glad to see ya.

(audience laughs)

- Are you kidding? What are you trying

to do, break mybones?

- Whome?

This is Frankie, not Rocky!

(audience laughs)

- Gee, it's good to see you.

I see you got on your strong suit, that's...

(audience laughs)

You're looking wonderful.

I'm surprised to see you here.

How's everything?

- She's fine.

(audience laughs)

Tell me something, Milt. - Yeah, yeah.

- How's everything with you at...

Say, you wanna be getting ready

to do your television season, right?

- Sure, next week.

How about you being a guest star on my program? Huh, Frank?

- Yeah. That's an idea, sure.

If you'll...

If you'll plug the picture I'm in. - Plug the...

we don't do that on my program. We don't plug pictures.

You come on my program, you sing a song or two and that's all.

- But you could mention it when you introduce me. - Frank,

we don't mention pictures on our program.

I'm sorry, we just don't do it. - All I'm asking you to do...

- I don't care! You can argue with me From Here to Eternity!

I won't mention your picture!

(audience laughs and applauds)

I've been around this world of pain... - Alright Milt,

it doesn't make any difference anyway.

- No, why?

- Because I am going to do a legitimate play on Broadway.

- No!

(audience laughs)

You're kidding. You're gonna...

Why do you need a Broadway play?

You're such a sensation now in pictures,

gonna make records, you're doing nightclubs,

getting so much money.

You must be loaded, huh?

- Milt.

Looks great on paper.

(audience laughs)

I owe the government so much money,

they don't know whether to put me in jail,

or recognize me as aforeign power!

(audience laughs)

You see...

that's why I have to go to work.

So I am going to do a legitimate play

with Ms. Tallulah Bankhead. - Tallulah Bankhead.

Is it definite that you've got the part?

- Well, not exactly. - No?

- It's just a question of Tallulah asking me,

and my saying yes. - I know...

- I'm talking about the play. - Oh, the play! That's nice.

- Now of course there are many wonderful actors

who can do this role.

- There are better actors?

- Oh, there are many wonderful

actors who could do the role, like Maurice Evans.

- Or Laurence Olivier? - Yes, Laurence Olivier.

- Or James Mason? - Yes, James Mason.

- Or Milton Berle? - Yes,

Minasha Skelnick!

(audience laughs)

- Well if that's the way you're gonna play...

Perry Como.

(audience laughs)

- Who's she?

(audience laughs)

- She? A lady barber! That's who's "she!"

Frank, I wanna be fair and square with you.

I didn't wanna tell you this, but

I'm trying out for that part myself.

- Well I wish you much good luck, Milton. - Thank you

very much, thank you. - Much good luck. - Thank you, Frank.

- Good luck to you, pal. - Where are you going?

- [Frank] I'm gonna see Ms. Bankhead, bye-bye.

- You gonna go over there, so long.

Oh Frank, big man.

He's great, though. Give you the shirt off his back,

if it didn't hold up his chest!

(audience applauds)

He's not gonna get that part, I'm gonna get...

Max! Did you get a hold of Tallulah Bankhead?

Did you speak to her on the phone?

- No, I called the number.

- Yeah?

- And a man answered, so I hung up.

- That was Tallulah!

(audience laughs)

What's the matter with you?

I don't know what to call you,

I don't know what to call you.

- How about Mrs. Milton Berle? - Now, stop that!

- Stop what, Ms. Milton?

- Didn't you recognize Tallulah's voice?

- It'sbigger than both of us!

(audience laughs)

- I'm going over to Tallulah's apartment.

Will you leave me alone, please?

- Milton. - Oh, leave me alone.

(lively instrumental music)

(audience applauds)

(audience applauds)


- Oh, darling.

Isn't she divine?

(doorbell buzzes)

Yes, come in. The door's open.

I said come in, the door's open.

- I'm in, Tallulah. I'm here.

- Oh, darling. I didn't see you. You

were standing sideways!

(audience laughs)

Come here, sweetie. I'm so glad to see you.

It's awfully nice of you to come.

-It's nice to see you. -Sit down right here beside me.

That's my book, darling. It's the story of

my life. H have you read it yet?

- Well, no. The report just came out a month ago!

(audience laughs)

- My book, nothis book.

That's yours, darling. I havetons of them.

- What is this, Tallulah?

- That's my flag.

The Confederate flag.

- I know, but why do you have it half-mast?

- It's for the Giants.

(sobs) (audience laughs)

Oh! My poor Giants, Frankie. Maybe if I'd

gone out to the Polo Grounds more often,

they might have done better.

- Yeah, I guess so.

Leo could've used you at second base!

(audience laughs)

- Darling, I play the field!

(audience applauds)

- You know, Tallulah? I really didn't

realize that you were so interested

in the national pasttime.

- Baby, Iam the national pasttime!

(audience laughs)

- Well, don't you think we oughta get down to cases?

- Never before dinner, darling.

(audience laughs)

The reason I sent for you was because

I've just written a new play, and I saw you

in that picture, From Here to Eternity,

and you were darling.


(audience applauds)

- You know, I saw you in Lightpost...

- And?

- At the prisoner's end, there was a double feature.

(audience laughs)

- Isn't he sweet?

Well, Mr. Sinatra...

- Yes? - I will have you know that I was offered

the starring role in From Here to Eternity.

Unfortunately, I was busy. I couldn't accept the part.

But everyone tells me that I would

have been magnificent in the role.

- I'm sure you would have. But plum, they did

the best they could. They got Burt Lancaster!

(audience laughs)

- Just a minute, buster.

If it's gonna be that kind of an evening,

how would you like to hear two

or three hours of Eddie Fisher's record?

(audience laughs and applauds)

- Never before dinner, darling!

(laughs) (audience laughs)

And beside, if it's music that you're

in the mood for, why ask aboy to do aman's job?

(audience applauds)

(gentle piano music)

♪ I've got the world

♪ on a string

(audience applauds)

♪ And I'm sitting on

♪ a rainbow.

♪ Got the string around my finger. ♪

(snaps fingers) ♪ What a world,

♪ what a life,

♪ I'm in love.

♪ I've got a song

♪ that I sing.

♪ I can make the rain go

♪ anytime I move my finger.

♪ Lucky me.

♪ Can't you see

♪ I'm in love?

♪ Life's a wonderful thing

♪ long as I hold the string.

♪ I'd be a silly so-and-so

♪ if I should ever let it go.

♪ I've got the world on a string ♪

♪ sitting on a rainbow.

♪ Got the string around my finger. ♪

♪ What a world,

♪ what a life,

♪ I'm in love.

♪ Life's a wonderful thing

♪ as long as I hold the string. ♪

♪ I'd be a silly so-and-so

♪ if I should ever let it go.

♪ I've got the world on a string ♪

♪ sitting on a rainbow.

♪ Got the string around my finger. ♪

♪ What a world.

♪ I've got the life.

♪ Hey now,

♪ I'm so in love!

(audience applauds)

- Well, Tallulah? What...

Now they're walking out on me!

Tallulah, Tallulah!

(audience laughs)


Oh there you are, darling.

I started to sing, and turned around, and you went away.

- You upset me, darling.

(audience laughs)

- Bobby Flank.

- You know, Frankie? I've made a couple records

myself. How'd you like me to sing one for you?

- "I'll be seeing you."

- Ah, arequest!

(audience laughs)

That's my favorite song too. Shall I sing it?

(buzzer blares) (audience laughs)

- Are you starting too high, darling?

(audience laughs)

Is that yourkey?

- No, that's mydoor.

(audience applauds)

Yes, come in. It's open!

- Pardon me, which one of you is Tallulah Bankhead?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, it's the boy from the cleaners.

You'll find the dresses in the closet, dear.

Just take them out right away, and please get them

back to me before the styles change!

- Yes, ma'am. I'll...

- [Frank] Milton.

Tallulah, do you know Milton Berle?

- Milton Berle? Of course I know, darling.

He's one of my dearest friends.

By the way, howis he?

(audience laughs)

- Sweetie-pie?This is Milton Berle.

- Oh, of course! I see what you mean. Well, just

take the dresses to the cleaners, right away.

(audience laughs)

- Milton!

I thought you told me you knew her personally.

- I only knew about Tallulah Bankhead what

my mother told about me when I was a little boy.

(audience laughs)

- Youhad a mother?

(audience laughs)

- Now don'tlower your voice to me!

- Don'traise yours, either.

- Hey, settle down...

- Hey, she's not gonna fight with me.

- Just a minute... - I come over...

- Wait a minute, man. - I don't know.

- Now let's behave. Now let's be sensible.

Kiss, and make up.

- Alright. - Not me!Her!

-Kiss him?

I'd rather be slivered to death by catapult.

(audience laughs)

- I'm awfully sorry, Tallulah. I want to apolo...

Tallulah, I wanna...

Tallulah, I want to apolog...

Please, I wanna apologize.

I wanna take back everything I said.

Which isn't very difficult because I've

taken back everything everybodyelse has said.

Would you do me a favor?

Let me tell ya how I admire you.

- How, darling? How?

Well sit down, and tell me all about it,

and we can go take a long time.

Frankie, you're not doing anything.

You take my dresses to the cleaners!

(audience laughs)

Well, you were saying?

- Well, I was saying that I think you are fabulous.

You're absolutely fabulous, Mrs. Bankhead.

You've been in pictures, you're in television,

you've written a book. Why, you're in nightclubs!

How do youdo all these things?

- Superbly.

(audience laughs)

As a matter of fact, Milton, I'm just

about to start rehearsing for a new play now.

- A new play? - Yes. - Well that's

one of the reasons I was here to see ya.

How about usingme as your leading man?

(laughs) (audience laughs)

- Oh, Milton! My dear boy!

This calls for a man full of joie de vivre.

- Well, I'm full of touche.

- A man- No, no, no, no! You don't understand.

A man who has... je ne sais quois,

savoir faire. Parlez vous?

- Thank you, Tallulah La Trec!

(audience laughs)

I can be great in the legitimate theater.

I've done radio, I've done television,

I've been in nightclubs, I've done everything.

- And now, you wanna do it to Broadway?

- No. Tallulah, you don't understand.

You and I will be great in the show.

I can just see the billing.


Bankhead and Berle.

We would be another Lunt and Fontaine.

- No, darling.

- Laurence Olivier and Vivien Leigh?

- No, no, no, no.

- Rex Harrison and Lilli Palmer?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Pa and Ma Kettle?

(audience laughs)

- No! Now look Milton, there's no use arguing.

I've already decided on my leading man.

Frankie, whereare you?

- I'm stillstanding here, Tallulah.

(audience laughs)

- Come over here, sweetie.

- Yes, ma'am.

(audience laughs)

- I saw Frankie in From Here to Eternity,

and he was so divine as one of the soldiers in that film.

- So what? Big deal, he's a soldier.

They wanted me to play a very big soldier

part in that picture, From Here to Eternity.

In fact, they sent me a letter from

the studio. But it started off "greetings,"

and I thought it was from the draft board,

so I threw it away! (audience laughs)

I saw you in that picture, big thing...

Youdied in the middle of the picture!

- So what?You died inall your pictures!

(audience laughs and applauds)

- He's exquisite, is he?

- I'll tell you this arguing is ridiculous.

I think what you should do is merely audition

both of us, and then make a choice.

- Alright, alright. Matter of fact, I have a little

dramatic play, right here. It calls for three characters.

Let's face it, weare three characters!

(audience laughs)

That's your part, and that's yours Milton.

- Say, I've got a great idea.

I've got a great idea! You know what I can do?

I can go down to the Center Theater,

at NBC, and set it up down there,

and we set a whole audition set down there, okay?

- Good. - Wanna meet down at NBC? Let's go down there.

Oh, I'll take you... Before we go,

don't forget, you have to make a choice between one of us.

- Some choice. Choice of

two vegetables: corn or a string bean!

(audience laughs)

- Spoken like a true, southern fried chicken!

(audience laughs and applauds)

(gentle trumpet notes)

(audience applauds)

- Francis!


Is that you, Francis?

- Yeah, whowants me?

Oh? Hello, Maxine.

- Hello, Francis. Is Milton here?

- Maxine, where you been? I've been looking

for you all summer.

I kept trying to get you on the phone,

but your phone never answers.

- I can't understand that.

The phone's been home all summer!

(audience laughs)

Did you see Milton?

- I nevercould see Milton!

Maxine, I missed you so.

Just seeing you again, it's like seeing

a sunrise in the east.

It's like being in Paris in the spring.

It's like being Campanella at Ebbots Field.

But with you it's always, "Milton, Milton, Milton."

Believe me, he'll never marry you.

- Oh, healmost did this summer.

- What happened?

- Well he said, when he marries me, it would

have to be a cold day in July.

- Yeah? - And, youknow what a hot summer we had!

(audience laughs)

- Maxine. I'd marry you any time, hot or cold.

I'd marry youany day of the week!

Except Thursday.

- Except Thursday? - Yeah,

that's my day off. I don't wanna louse it up!

(audience laughs)

I don't mean that.

Marry me, and you could louse up my wholelife!

- Got the equipment, move scenery here for ya.

Where are you, Max...

(gasps) (audience laughs)

- There heis.

The answer to Cinemascope.

Cinema soap! (audience laughs)

- Max, will you pardon me? Francis, am I glad to see you.

Am I glad to see you.

- I wish I could say likewise!

- Now Francis, please! Don't start!

You're only a stage hand here,

and I'm a star on television.

- Not onmy set, you ain't.

- Now, listen...

- Get your clammy paws off me.

(audience laughs)

You're bending the herringbone.

He's television size, 'cause he lost weight.

- Yes, I did.

- You didn't lose your stomach.

It just moved up to yourhead!

(audience laughs)

- Now, would you stop it? Don't start with me,

because I got you the job here. Is that right?

I got you the job here, and if I didn't

get you the job here, where would you be?

Where would you be rightnow?

- I'd be home watching Dragnet.

(sings theme) ♪ Dum da dum dum

♪ Dum - Oh, stop it.

You, I can't understand.

You, I can't understand.

He wrote a book about men. He wrote a book

about women, and I didn't read about you in either one!

Look Max, would you do me a favor?

Do me one favor, please. Do me one favor,

and don't you start with me again. You understand?

'Cause if you get fresh with me, I'll take

you in my arms and I'll crush ya! - Milton,

don't go to strangers.

- Oh, stop!

(audience laughs)

So Max, would you do me a favor?

Will you set up the set for me, for an audition?

I'm gonna do an audition with Tallulah Bankhead.

- So what are you hollering about?

- I'm not. - You don't have to

holler on me! - I'm not hollering.

- Just ask me nice! - I'm not hollering.

- Don't start hollering atme, ya know?

- I didn't, I didn't. - I don't wanna

hear you holler no more!

Just ask! - Alright...

- You don'thave to holler! - Alright!

(audience laughs)

- I'm not hollering.

Know what he's gonna do? He's gonna ruin

the whole thing, the whole thing with Sinatra.

Well, I'll pack Sinatra neat.

Is that Sinatra kidding?

Is he clowning?

He's kidding. This is my room. I know this

theater. I know the whole acoustic value here.

♪ Wa da da we

- He jests at scars that never...

(audience laughs)

Max? Would you do me a favor, please?

Would you go in the dressing room,

and see that the door is open?

Walk to it. Will you do that?

- Yes, Milton.

- Alright.

(audience laughs)

(recites Shakespeare) - "He jests at scars that never felt

"a wound. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

"See how she leans her cheek upon her hand.

"Oh, that I was a glove upon that hand

that I might touch that cheek."

- Ah, me!

(audience laughs)

- "She speaks, yet she says nothing.

"Oh speak again, my angel.

- "Oh Romeo, Romeo? Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

(audience laughs)

- "Juliet."

(audience laughs)

"Juliet, my beloved.

"I adore you, I adore you.

- "Romeo. - Yes?

- "How comest thee hither?

The garden are walls..."

- Not gardener, not gardener!

- Oh, it's garden. - Garden.

(audience laughs)

- "The gardener wall."

(audience laughs)

Now I know what's on your mind!

- Oh, you don't know what's on my mind.

- I know what's... I know what's

on your mind.

♪ Oh, this must be love

♪ because you feel so well.

♪ No sobs,

♪ no sorrows,

♪ no sighs.

- Tell'em Frank.

♪ This must be love.

♪ I recognize the smell

♪ Your head

♪ is up in the sky.

♪ My heart is standing still.

♪ It doesn't beat.

♪ Well, she must be sweet.

♪ She's gorgeous.

♪ This must be love

♪ because I can always tell.

♪ Whenever I look into her eyes ♪

- You got more to tell me?

♪ My heart is standing still.

♪ How can that be?

♪ Wait till you see

♪ Mogambo.

♪ This must be love

♪ because I feel so well

♪ Oh, how I love to look in her eyes. ♪

♪ We love to look, baby,

♪ right in her eyes

(audience applauds)

- I don't know why I'm so happy with you.

- I don't know either, because I know...

- I'm playing this part in the show with

Tallulah. I'll win out, all the time.

Ready, you ready?

- I'm leaving to get ready to do the part.

- You are? Well, know one thing. When I'm a star on Broadway,

they'll be lining up at the box office.

- I hope they all get their money back!

(audience laughs)

- I hope they all get their money back,

hope they get their money back!

Got a 3D head on a 1D body.

(audience laughs)

Now Max? Max, I can assure you, you stick by me.

Have faith in me. If I become a success

in this, believe me, Milton Berle will

be on everybody's lips.

- Will you start onmine, Milton?

(audience laughs)

- Max, will you please do me a favor?

I'm expecting two...

Oh, here comes Tallulah now.

Well, Tallulah? Well?

- Not very. Well, let's get

this revolting, nauseating exhibition over with.

- Yeah, I think it's gonna be great too.

Gee, I hope we have a love scene together!

Hold you in my arms.

I'll get romantic.

I'm gonna get made up. I'll be ready any time you are.

- Wanna bet?

(audience laughs)

- Ms. Bankhead?

- Yes?

(shouts) (audience laughs)

What are we doing, Little Women?

(audience laughs)

Who areyou?

- I wanna warn you, Ms. Bankhead.

I'm in love with Milton.

I'm his office wife.

- Office wife?

- Well, I haven't been elected to office yet.

But I'm sure he's gonna marry me any day now.

My mother keeps asking me.

- Well, my dear child, you have nothing

to worry about. I haven't the slightest interest in Milton.

I wouldn't have anything to do with him,

if he was the last man on earth.

Just a minute, darling. Let me think that over!

(audience laughs)

Well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it!

(audience laughs)

- Alright. Places, places, everybody.

Places for the play. Places Ms. Bankhead, sir!

(audience laughs)

- Amazing what they can do with leftovers!

(audience laughs)

- Tallulah Bankhead, girl Berle.

Alright. Places, everybody!

(audience laughs)

- Charming chap.

- Ms. Bankhead? - Yes, yes.

- In this play you're gonna do, you're

not gonna make violent love to Milton, are you?

- No baby, relax. I'm not.

Anyway, it is just a play, and it's only rehearsal.

It's just a little dramatic vignette.

A short, short story. It's called September Story.

You see, it takes place in one of those little

summer resort places.

Which opens up, comes to life in the spring,

and then dies out at the end of summer.

(gentle instrumental music)

(Tallulah narrates)The name of the place doesn't matter.

There's hundreds like this, all over the country.

Come September, the tourists go,

and the laughter goes with it.

The summer theater closes down,

and the little band of players moves on.

In a matter of weeks, the population dwindles,

some couple thousand to a couple hundred.

The regulars who stay all year round,

and maybe, maybe one or two, who don't

quite know where they go from here.

(gentle instrumental music)

- Here you are, miss.

It's your coffee, ma'am.

- Oh, thanks.

When does the ticket window open?

- It doesn't. It closes on September 15th.

But you can buy a ticket on the bus.

- When do they run?

- Well, the next one goes through here

for New York, in about 2 minutes.

- I don't wanna go to New York.

- Well, it's a 2-hour wait for the one to Hartford.

- Hartford's just as good a place as any, I guess.

- You've been in here before?

- This is one place I missed.

- I've seen you some place.

Weren't you with the stock company here?

- [Joan] That's right, yeah.

- Yeah.

You look awful familiar.

How come you're leaving thislate?

The rest of the troop left a long time ago.

- Maybe the rest of them had someplace to go.

- I never did see any of the shows,

but I saw your pictures on some of the posters.

Really familiar to me, too.

Say, weren't you in the movies once?

- Oh, you've got a good memory.

(she laughs)

- Of course!

Joan Lansing, I remember you!

I bet you I saw every picture you ever made.

Why did you quit?

- People forgot to buy tickets.

- They must have been crazy.

You were the best ever. Believe me!

- Thank you, thank you.

- Whatever happened to that fella you married?

- I was never married.

- Sure. You know, the comic.

- Fred Burton?

We were never married.

- Oh...

I didn't know.

Whatever happened tohim?

- Maybe he died, laughing at his own jokes.

(audience laughs)

- Freddie Burton?

Gee. Time sure does fly, doesn't it?

- You think so?

(bus engine rumbles)

- Here's the southbound now.

- [Joe] Okay, wise guy! This is as far as you go!

Come on.

- Hi, Gus.

- Hi, Joe.

What's the matter?

- This wise guy! Flags me down on the

highway, now he tells me he can't pay his fare.

I've got a good mind to call the sheriff.

- Take it easy. Give the guy a break.

- Well, any passengers?

- She's going the other way.

- Okay, I'll shove off then.

So long, Gus. - So long, Joe.

See you on the way back.

Hey, pal.


Sit down, and relax.

Help yourself to a doughnut, if you like.

- [Freddie] Well, I...

- It's alright, it's on me.

- Pardon me miss, would you mind passing the sugar?

(romantic instrumental music)

Joan? Joan!

- Freddie.

- What are youdoing here?

- Well I was...

I was staying here for awhile in summer stock.

- Joan Lansing?

In this tank town?

- It's theater, isn't it?

I'm an actress, so they tell me.

- I mean, when I didn't hear any more about you,

I thought...

- You thoughtwhat?

- I thought you married some other guy,

and got out of the business.

- No, Freddie.

I didn't marry anybody.

Not even you.

- But...

Joan, you were the one that walked out.

- [Joan] How did you know?

Did you read it in the papers?

How could you tell in this town?

- Joan, I...

- Were we ever alone, at all, in the years I knew you?

You think I wanted to spend the rest

of my life surrounded by your stooges?

Laughing up your jokes, while you picked up the checks?

Did we ever have one moment alone, together

alone? Just you and I? No!

No. Even when you remembered to kiss me, it was on cue.

And then, you took a bow.

Oh, I'm...

I'm sorry, Freddie. I guess I...

I didn't know how much that was on my chest,

until I got it off.

How have you been?

- Oh? I'm alright, baby.

Great, great. Never better, never better.

- What brings you to a town like this?

- Well, I... You know

I got a summer home up here in Cape Cod.


I was driving back to New York in my

convertible, and some argument out

here with a bus driver...

I'm tired of lying, honey.

I'm broke.

- Broke? Freddie Burton, broke?

- You saw how I got here.

Got thrown off the bus, 'cause I couldn't pay my fare.

Got thrown out of a burlesque show

in Boston because every time I went on,

I drove people away from the theater.

- What happened, Freddie? Whathappened to you?

- What do youthink happened?

When you walked out, I said to myself, forget her.

Laugh it up.

Forget her.

Big shot Freddie.

Then, one day...

I missed you so much I wanted to scream.

And, I wasn't funny anymore. Joan, I wasn'tfunny anymore.

They stopped laughing.

Thanks, buddy.

Thanks for the doughnut.

I better start getting my thumb ready again.

Bye, honey.

Stay healthy.

- Just a minute, Mr. Burton.

Are you gonna let him go?

- [Joan] Why shouldn't I?

- [Freddie] What makes you think she canstop me?

- Take it easy, funny man.

Come here a second. - Let go of me.

- Now, just a second. - I can go

to the phone and call the sheriff

You're a vagrant, you know?

What's the matter with you two, anyway?

What do you think you'redoing?

Was it so much fun breaking up last time

that you can't wait to do itagain?

You look like you had a lot of fun, the two of you.

- Joan, honey? He's right.

- [Joan] Just go, if you want to go!


- [Freddie] Joan. - Oh, Freddie.

(romantic instrumental music)

- Honey, I...

Liked to...

Liked to be with you again, but I...

I'm washed up. I'm washed up!

- You'llnever be washed up. Look at me.

You're the greatest funny man that

ever lived, you're so...

- You think I can do it again?

- Maybe weboth can do it again.

But this time, Freddie, just the two of us. Huh?

- Got a lot of years to make up, honey.

- I stopped counting!

- Whatever years there are left,

I'll try to make them good.

(romantic instrumental music)

Thank you, buddy.

You know? If you hadn't have been here, I'd have

blown this bit, too.

You're a real John J. Anthony.

- Sure, I'm an expert at straightening people out.

Say? You know there's no waiting period on

marriages in this state.

The courthouse is right up the road.

- What's your name?

- Gus.

- Thank you very much, Gus.

- You have nothing to thank me for.

- You don't know how fortunate you are.

- Fortunate? - Ha ha.

- Living in a nice, small town.

Sane and safe, surrounded by your friends and your family.

We'll never forget we were lucky enough

to meet you here.

Someone like you around.

- Just too bad you weren't in my corner

when I needed you, quite a few years ago.

- Bless you, Gus.

- Thank you.

(audience chuckles)

- That's me, Mr. Fix-It.

Real bright boy.

Will you give me Western Union?

Western Union?

I'd like to send a telegram to Mrs. Gus Collette.

No, two T's.

Yeah. Just say:

"coming to join you, first plane I can get.

"Please don't do anything till I get there.

I love you."

Sign it, Gus.

The address?

Mape's Hotel, Reno, Nevada.

(lively instrumental music) (audience applauds)

- Milton?

- What?

- Everybodyelse has stopped applauding,

can I stop now?

- Well you take a rest for 10 minutes,

and start all over again!

(audience laughs)

Max? Oh, this is a cinch!

Boy, how was I?

Was I great or not, was I great?

- Is that the kind of build you like,

like Tallulah-like, because I can be

like Tallulah, if that's what you like!

Like, Tallulah-like?

- Thank you, Tallulah Blank-head. Thank you!

(audience laughs)

You don't understand. That was

the idea, I out-acted Sinatra.

Oh boy! When she sees Sinatra, you can believe

me! After seeingme, she'll give Sinatra the brush!

(audience laughs)

- Thank you very much, Francis. Thank you, my boy.

Well? I'm just about ready to go out

and pick up Ms. Bankhead, and take her out,

and sign up as the leading man.

- Gee, Mr. Sinatra. I don't know how youdo it. I've been

trying to make a date with one girl for the longest time.

She won't even go out with me.

I don't know how youdo it!

What's thesecret of your success?

- Well, I haven't had much success keeping it a secret!

(audience laughs)

After my performance tonight, Mr. Berle,

oh, I'll show him a few things after tonight!

- Milton Berle, big television star.

I've been trying to make a date with

this girl for the longest time.

I wannamarry her. And she

keepsthrowing herself at Milton's feet!

- Milton, let me tie your shoelaces...

- Will you stay away from my shoes, please?

I'll tie my laces myself. I'm in a hurry.

I've gotta meet Tallulah Bankhead.

Get my tuxedo jacket.

- [Max] Milton! - Yes, dear.

- Why don't you take me out,

instead of Tallulah?

- Takeyou out, instead of Tallulah? Honey,

when the express is running you don't wait for local!

(audience laughs)

- Well, so long chubby. I'll see you around.

I've gotta pick up Ms. Bankhead.

- Well, so long Max. See you around.

I've gotta pick up Ms. Bankhead.

- [Francis] Gee, what a guy.

I wish I could be like Frank Sinatra.

- What a gal.

I wish I could be like Tallulah.


(audience laughs)

- It's incredible.

Lucky for him, Ava didn't seeme first!

(audience applauds)

- Where are you going?

- Unhand me! I'm gonna meet Ms. Bankhead,

now leave me alone. - I'm taking her out.

- I'm taking her out.

- No, I'll do it.

Oh, Tallulah. - Tallulah, hey.

- How are you, Tallulah?

Tallulah, have you made your decision?

Who's it gonna be? Frank, or me?

- Who is it gonna be, as if I didn't know!

Will you tell him?

- Darling, darling.

You wereboth divine!

I was told to say...

But I haven't had a little time to think it over.

So why don't the three of us go out on the town, and we'll

talk about it while we're having our supper, huh?

- Having our supper! Let's see the town.

- What a good idea.

- It's a good idea, we can see the town.

♪ I'm in a celebrating mood.

♪ We have a festive attitude.

♪ I'm glad you're not mad at me ♪

♪ and I'm glad that I'm glad at you! ♪

♪ Pardon me, boys.

♪ I'm through.

♪ This is a celebrating town.

♪ Oh, I feel as happy as a clown. ♪

♪ Let's let off some steam tonight. ♪

♪ Let's get on a beam tonight.

♪ Oh, what'll we do?

♪ Let's see the town!

- How bout that?

♪ Let's do the town tonight.

♪ The buckles

♪ The po-pa

♪ The smog

♪ Let's get around tonight.

♪ We'll dance the Astor.

♪ No, the automat's faster.

♪ Milton,

♪ let's do it right tonight.

- Fine, Francis.

♪ I know the best parts in New York ♪

- You do?

Hey! There's something I wanna tell you. Francis,

before we go away.

♪ Yeah, I know what you're gonna say ♪

♪ But let's keep it gay

- Now don't argue, fellas.

♪ I'll pay my own way.

♪ Let's do the town tonight!

(lively instrumental music)

♪ What will her decision be?

♪ Make up your mind up, please Tallulah? ♪

♪ Is it Frank or is it me?

♪ Make your mind up, Tallulah.

♪ Please, tell a fella where he stands. ♪

♪ Who are you gonna use, Tallulah? ♪

♪ Look, boys!

♪ No hands!

- No hands?

♪ If you don't pick me, I know I will be lost. ♪

♪ But if you pick me, Tallulah, ♪

♪ I'll pay back what I cost

♪ Because I'm a real finished actor ♪

♪ Filthy boy,

♪ that's not true!

♪ Tell us who you're gonna pick, Tallulah. ♪

♪ Tell us which one you will choose! ♪

♪ (Chorus) Make your mind up, Tallulah. ♪

♪ Tell us which one you will choose. ♪

- Now Tallulah, I think it's about time that you told us,

it's gonna be Frank? - Please.

- Or is it gonna be me, now tell us.

- Well done!

If I'm gonna easily decide, while one

of you is very talented, I won't say which,

the other one does pay me for being on the show.

So I've decidedboth of you will be in my play.

- Two winners? - Yeah.

- Two must wrangle.

- Oh, isn't that bad?

Gee, the three of us in one show.

Boy, I can just see the billing right now!

(dramatic instrumental music)

Oh, that'll be sensational! How bout that?

- Stop the presses! Just a minute! I will

handle the billing withthis trio.

Take a look atthis billing!

(dramatic instrumental music)

- You'renot going to have the billing!

I'm having it the wayI'mhaving it!

- Now gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Aren't they naive?

(audience laughs)

We'll compromise, darling. Now let's be civilized about this.

Compromise. - Compromise?

-This is the way the billing will read!

(dramatic instrumental music) (audience laughs)

♪ Oh, you can't fool a girl

♪ like Tallulah,

♪ I'm sure you'll agree.

♪ I can make moola

♪ on TV.

♪ But I have got

♪ From Here to Eternity.

♪ So Tallulah,

♪ tell us

♪ who is it gonna be?

(audience applauds)

- Now look, Tallulah? Now once and for all,

you know it's getting a little late now.

I know we'd like to find out who is the winner?

Who's gonna win?

- What's it gonna be?

- The Dodgers!

(audience applauds)

- Is she kidding?

You knowwhy she said that?

- No! Why, Frank? - 'Cause her southern blood

wouldn't let her say Yankees! - I was...

(audience applauds)

Goodnight, Mr. Durocher, wherever you are!

(audience applauds)

You know?

It's a pleasure, ladies and gentlemen,

on this premiere show to be near you.

May I tell you, that it is a great pleasure

speaking seriously, it's a great pleasure to...

Speaking about billings, to have my name

linked with one of the great

greats in the automobile business.

My name in lights in the marquee...

with the Buick company.

And there isn't any finer car than

a Buick, ladies and gentlemen.

So on behalf of the Buick dealers,

may I sincerely thank you.

And I hope you'll be with us again next week,

when our guest stars will be

Edward G. Robinson, and Eddie Fisher.

So until then, goodnight. God bless you and keep you.

(audience applauds) (lively instrumental music)

(gentle piano notes)

- Two winners! What a splendid idea by

Tallulah to make everyone happy.

Hopefully, they'll be able to figure out just

how the billing order will go.

It's no wonder why Milton Berle earned

the name of Mr. Television.

His lovable personality captivated audiences

for eight wonderful years.

People knew from 8 to 9, on Tuesday nights,

they could tune in to escape reality,

and enjoy their time with Milton.

So as Milton would say, "There's just one place

"for me, and that's near you."

That is until next time, when we again venture

back to the golden days.

To the days that remind of us where onscreen

magic all began.

As I Remember Television.


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