I Remember Television


An Evening with Betty White

2 classic episodes from the sitcom “Life with Elizabeth” starring, Del Moore and the incomparable Betty White.

AIRED: December 11, 2017 | 0:54:56

(whooshing) (energetic music)

(peppy music)

- [Announcer] Now wasn't that nice?

- I'm Jessica Greenwell and welcome

to I Remember Television, again.

The year is 1952, and although the US is at war

with Korea, home life is prosperous.

The cost of a new home is around $9000,

a gallon of gas is 20 cents,

three out of five families own a car,

two out of three have a telephone,

and one in three own a television.

On March 1, 1952, one sitcom hit the airwaves

catapulting the career of a beloved star

who has now graced our screens

and touched our hearts for decades.

The incomparable Betty White.

Life with Elizabeth starring Miss White

and her on-screen husband Alvin,

portrayed by Del Moore, followed the daily life

of your typical '50s housewife, docile and demure.

Or was she?

Cued by the signature strumming of the harp,

each episode chronicles three incidents

in Elizabeth's daily life,

and by the conclusion of each predicament we hear

our off-screen announcer chide poor Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, aren't you ashamed, he'd inquire,

sometimes sheepishly, sometimes devilishly,

but always on-cue, Elizabeth would shake her head

to specify that no, she indeed was not ashamed!

In tonight's first incident, we find Elizabeth

in a downright awful mood.

So let us take a look back, at I Remember Television.

(tranquil harp music)

- Betty White in

Life With Elizabeth!

(audience applauding) Featuring Del Moore!

Incident number one in the Life of Elizabeth

occurred on one of her bad days.

Oh yes indeed, once in a while she's into a vile temper,

but strangely enough, Alvin seems to understand.

Let's go over to the house, maybe she's

calmed down a little bit by now.


How are you tonight?

(audience chuckling) Oh.

Poor Alvin, by the way, he just came in the front door.

- Honey, I'm home.

- Alvin tell me a joke quick!

- Why? - Never mind why,

just say something funny.

- Well gee honey I walked in here and you,

throw a thing at me like that it isn't easy,

I mean I can't-- - I'm in a vile, rotten,

miserable, nasty mood! - Well what do you

want me to do? - Amuse me!

(audience laughing)

- Elizabeth you nostrils are flaring--

- Never mind my nostrils just say something

funny before I start to cry.

- Well let me see something...

Oh (chuckles), this is a good one, look,

I heard this one today, this fella's wife

was sound asleep, oh this will really get you,

she was sound asleep, and at three o'clock

in the morning mind you he woke up

and he started yelling "Wake up, wake up!

"I forgot to give you your sleeping pills!"

(chuckling) (audience snickering)

- What's funny about that?

- I'll get the walnuts.

- Come back here Alvin, I don't want any walnuts!

- Now honey you know, as well as I do,

that every time you get in one of these

little anger fits it does you good

to smash some walnuts.

- So now I'm in an anger fit?

- Here.

(cracking) (audience snickering)

- Thank you dear, delicious. - I'm glad you like it,

that's your dinner. - Oh that's all right,

I'm not hungry, now tell me what happened?

- Alvin don't be patronizing.

- I'm not honey I'm not, except that you

haven't been like this for a year,

and I think that you're entitled to blow off a little steam.

(audience snickering)

- And don't use that sing-song voice on me.

I think you're entitled to blow off a little steam...

(audience laughing)


- Thanks dear. - That's your dessert.

- Thank you, now, go on, tell me what happened.

- What happened? - Uh-hmm.

- I'm driving home along the freeway and I, I'm just

driving along and I come to this great big tree

right in the middle of the freeway!

(audience laughing) - Oh, must have fallen

off a truck.

- No, I thought it was growing out of the cement!

They have a whole forest of trees

growing right out of the cement!

They call it the Freeway National Park.

(audience laughing)

- Well, all right go on.

- So I, I looked at the tree and I drove on,

and then I got to thinking somebody ought to

report it as a safety hazard!

- Well that's logical. - What's logical about it?

That's what got me in all my trouble!

- Do you mind enough to crack another walnut?

- Not yet.

So I pull into this gas station to phone,

and having the kind of husband I have

I have 35 cents in my purse.

Some wives can have five or $10,

but I had 35 cents in my purse!

(audience laughing) - Elizabeth I'll raise

your allowance.

Did you call the police?

- Well of course I called the police.

And they told me to call the Department of Sanitation.

- Uh-hmm. - Which I did, and I talked

to a very sanitary, Irving something or other.

(audience snickering) - What'd he have to say?

- He asked me if the tree were clean or dirty.

(audience laughing)

I gave him the wrong answer, I said it was clean.

I had never been so mad in my whole life!

So then he told me to call the Park Commissioner,

which I did.

- Wait a minute, I think we'd better smash Irving.

(cracking) (audience chuckling)

- So I called the Park Commissioner!

- Yeah. - And do you know what he said

to me?

He said it's against the law to plant trees

in the middle of the freeway.

Did you ever hear of anything like that in your whole life?

- Here, Elizabeth, Commissioner.

(cracking) (audience chuckling)

- So after making all those calls,

I, I, I only had a nickel left.

- What did you do, buy a gum?

(audience chuckling) - No, I bought a

little ranch in the valley. (audience laughing)

- Wait a minute honey, gosh don't get so excited,

calm down, all you've lost is a little

of your time and 30 cents!

- No it isn't!

While I was phoning the gas station man

went like this and, and I thought he was

being friendly so I nodded, and...

- Well what happened?

- He filled the tank.

(audience laughing) - Well give me

the keys I'll go pay him!

- He kept the car for collateral!

- Oh honey you have had a bad day haven't you?

Well-- - And that isn't all,

I had to take a bus, but I only had a nickel.

- My gosh honey anything else?

- I, I was, we were driving along

and I was arguing with the bus driver,

- Yes? - and, we...

- You, you what?

- (sobs) We ran into the tree!

(audience laughing)

- I should leave you at this point Elizabeth.

- Why? - I think I'm

gonna cry myself.

I'll see you later Elizabeth.

- [Announcer] Elizabeth?

Aren't you ashamed?


(audience laughing) (audience applauding)

- Poor Elizabeth certainly got herself

into quite the predicament.

Luckily she had a handy bowl of walnuts

to take here aggression out on,

and an understanding husband with whom

she could vent her frustrations.

If this were Miss White herself,

she'd be indulging in junk food,

her favorites being Red Vines, hot dogs,

french fries, and diet Coke.

In the second incident we take a peek

at the early days of Elizabeth and Alvin dating,

and the night they would have their first kiss.

- Incident number two in the life of Elizabeth

occurred way back on one of her first dates with Alvin.

Now the fact that this entrancing creature

might one day become his wife,

hadn't as yet occurred to Alvin, in fact,

he was wondering if she would object

if he tried to kiss her.

And by a strange coincidence,

Elizabeth was wondering the same thing.

So tonight, let's look in on their first kiss.

(harp music) (crickets chirping)

- Well, here we are.

- Yeah.

Looks like your folks waited up for you,

the light's still on.

Maybe they don't trust me.

- Well of course they do.

Momma I'm home!

- Maybe she didn't hear you.

- [Elizabeth] Momma we're home from the show!

- I think I'd better be going, Elizabeth.

- [Elizabeth] Momma, he's just leaving.

(audience laughing)

- I don't think she trusts me.

- Well of course she does.

- Oh.

- Would you want to sit down for a minute?

- Yeah.

(audience snickering)

- I loved the movie, didn't you?

- Yeah.

- Wasn't it romantic when he rescued her from drowning?

- Sure was.

- And how 'bout when they both got

dragged across the lake by their feet?

- That wasn't very romantic was it?

- Well sure!

At least they were together.

(audience chuckling) - Yeah.

- And how 'bout the way they looked at each other,

when the boat sank?

(audience laughing)

- What was the name of that picture?

- Waterlogged. (audience laughing)

- Elizabeth. - Yes, Alvin?

- Do you mind if we stop the swing,

I'm getting a little seasick.

(audience chuckling)

- There, feel better?

- That wasn't the real reason

I wanted you to stop the swing.

I can see you better this way.

- Any special reason why you want to see me better?

- Well no, uh, that is, I...

(audience laughing)

- Um, Alvin?

- Yes?

- You can hold my hand.

- Why is it heavy?

(audience laughing) - (giggles) This one is.

Look (giggles).

- Elizabeth,

Elizabeth I was just wondering if you'd...

Oh, Elizabeth.

- I'm sorry, you were saying?

- Nothing, I...

Your folks sure are lucky Elizabeth,

they've got two of the world's brightest

street lights out in front.

- T-That one goes off at 12 o'clock.

- How 'bout that one?

- That's the moon!

(audience laughing) - Oh.

Elizabeth, we've, we've been out seven times now,

and-- - Yes, Alvin.

- Well, and after all we are holding hands,

and it's not as though we weren't holding hands,Elizabeth.

and there's the moon, and (mumbles) moon out.

- That one's the moon.

- Oh, Elizabeth.

- Yes Alvin?

- May I kiss you?

- Yes.

- Yes what?

- Yes you may kiss me.

- Who? - You!

- Me?

- You may kiss me.

- Who? (audience chuckling)


(audience snickering)

- Dad, daddy usually comes down for sandwiches

about this time every night.

- If he's anything like my dad it'll be 15 minutes

before he finds the butter.

- Not tonight.

- How can you tell?

- I put out a whole plate of sandwiches for him

before we went to the show.

- Yeah, I guess I'd better be going, Elizabeth.

- Well maybe we can continue our conversation

some other time? - Yeah.

(audience snickering)

- He found the sandwiches.

- Your dad was about to pass...

You mean you put those sandwiches out

before we went to the movies?

- Uh-huh.

- Why?

- Well it isn't like we haven't been out

seven times or anything, and, and there's the moon and all,

and I... - Elizabeth, stop talking,

and kiss me. - Who's talking?

(audience laughing) - Who's that?

- Momma.

- How can you tell?

- I felt the house shake.

(audience laughing) - Does she eat very much?

- I put out a rib roast for her.

- Gosh I don't know, I think everybody's watching us.

I've never seen such perfect timing.

- Momma, Alvin's just leaving!

(audience snickering) We better wait

until she gets upstairs.

- Oh.

There she goes. - No,

that's a truck. (audience laughing)

There she goes!

- Elizabeth, Elizabeth I think you're

the most wonderful girl that I've ever met,

and when we, when we were in the show a little while ago--

- Now who's talking.

(audience laughing)

- Now they're looking at us with spotlights.

Goodnight Elizabeth.

- Goodnight Alvin. - I'll call you, Elizabeth.

- Don't forget. - No, I won't...

(audience snickering)


(bell ringing) (audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

- Well Alvin certainly hung in there.

When you've got a good woman, you don't let her go.

And Elizabeth was a great woman.

In fact, her character was born

out of sketches developed on Hollywood on Television,

a 5 1/2 hour, six-day a week live talk show

where White got her start.

The sketches gained such popularity,

that developing a sitcom was the logical next step.

Now let's see what hilarity ensues

when an old flame pops into town for a visit.

(audience applauding) (harp music)

- Incident number three in the life of Elizabeth

occurred just a short time ago.

Let me ask you something, did you ever have

an ex-flame come over to the house, after you were married?

Elizabeth did.

- And the worse part of it is, Alvin never has liked him.

I don't know, jealous I guess.

You see we all used to go to school together,

Jack and Alvin and I.

Uh-huh, and I used to go out with Jack

every time I had a fight with Alvin.

(giggling) Well he's coming

over here tonight.

No Jack, not Alvin, Alvin's out in the back.

You're darn right it's a ticklish situation

believe me I'll be walking on eggs.

So you mix the eggs with the batter

and you got (mumbles), bye!

- You didn't have to hang up on my account dear.

- Listen when my husband walks into the room

everything else ceases to exist.

(audience snickering)

What's the stare for? - Because it was a

very un-naturally constructed sentence for you Elizabeth.

Any time that I walk into the room and

everything else ceases to exist,

there's something on your mind.

- I just happen to think I have a very sweet,

and handsome husband, that's all.

- I've also learned from past experience

that the minute I become sweet and handsome,

you've committed some minor crime.

(audience laughing) - I don't like this

suspicious streak in you, Alvin.

- Elizabeth, there's something on your mind!

- But you're so wrong sweetheart!

- Elizabeth, I know you so well!

Now look, come on, tell sweet and handsome

Alvin what it's all about.

- Now if I had anything on my mind, Jack wouldn't I,

I, I I I... (audience laughing)

- Jack!

- Jack you say? - You didn't say Gertrude.

(audience laughing)

- All right I was gonna try to use psychology on you

but I can see it won't work.

- No. - You remember Jack Algood?

- You mean Jerk Algood.

(audience snickering) Of course I remember him.

What about him?

- He called today. - Where'd he get the dime?

(audience laughing) - Aw honey don't be like

that, no, really he was very nice on the phone

he said he just happened to be in town,

and was dying to see us.

- He's dying to see you, you mean.

I hope you told him to climb back

under the rock where he belonged.

- Alvin you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

As a matter of fact he asked very kindly after you.

- I'll bet. - He did!

He was very concerned about your health!

We were talking along, and all of a sudden he stopped

and he said, "Is Alvin still alive?"

(audience laughing) - I'm sorry you had

to disappoint him. - Listen I'm sick and tired

of your petty jealousy over somebody I maybe dated

a couple of times way back in school!

- Well put yourself in my place!

Let's say that somebody, anybody,

Gloria Applegate called me up and wanted to come over,

how would you feel?

- Gloria Applegate? - Yeah, Gloria Applegate!

And get that I've-just-seen-the-spider expression

off your face! (audience laughing)

- So you're still thinking about her after all these years!

Oh fine!

At least Jack called me up, I wasn't sitting

around the house thinking about him!

But you, you bring her name up out of left field!

Probably what she's doing,

she's probably playing left field somewhere

for the Dodgers or something!

Anybody'd who'd go out for football or anything

there's Gloria... - You see what I mean?


- I guess (mumbles), I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry sweetie. - But look darling

as long as Jack is coming over here tonight,

couldn't we make the best of it?

Well, we'll just sit around

and we'll say all the usual things like,

"Gee you haven't changed a bit," or

"I wonder whatever happened to old Harry Ratbone."

And then he'll go home and it'll all be over.

Please? - I promise, I'll be good.

- That's my boy.

Come on, sit down. - Hey I wonder if he's

lost his hair yet, you remember how it was

receding up in the temples even in school?

- Hmm, he always had a tendency

to gain weight too, remember?

- I bet he's as big as a house,

a sloppy eater. (door bell ringing)

- There he is. - Oh good.

- How do I look? - What do you care?

It's old fatso Algood.

Can't hardly wait to see the old skinhead.

Well open the door, see what you might have married!

- Hello little lady is your mother home--

Eli, Elizabeth, oh (chuckles) Elizabeth!

Let me look at you, oh you're more beautiful than ever!

- Jack you remember Alvin!

- Oh sure, wonderful to see

you Alvin, aw look at you! (audience laughing)

- I'm her husband, you can--

- And you should be very proud,

just look at this beautiful creature (chuckles)!

- Catching her at a bad angle I...

- Oh Liz... - Why don't we sit down, huh?

- Oh oh wait wait wait just a minute,

let me look at you! - That's all you've been doing

since you walked in!

- Oh the light's bad here Elizabeth,

come on down here, let me get a good look,

oh, oh those eyes, Elizabeth, those beautiful eyes!

(chuckling) (audience snickering)

You have nice eyes too.

- Couldn't we sit down? - All right, why don't we?

That'd be kind of fun.

(audience laughing)

Gaining a little weight, Alvin.

- Gee you just look wonderful Jack.

He hasn't changed a bit, has he darling?

- No, still wearing the same suit.

- I tell 'ya I just can't get over seeing you and Alvin.

- Alvin's looking well too, don't you think so?

- Just the two of you in your own little cottage!

- Wh-What's new, Jack?

- You know, I said to myself just the other day,

I said, Jack, I said to myself,

you've just got to drop in and see Elizabeth and

uh, that fella. (audience laughing)

- Now Alvin's doing awfully well too,

he's working for Mr. Furdy, aren't you hon?

- Yes, William J. Fuddy Incorporated.

- So I said to myself why wait I'll just,

give 'em a call right now,

Alvin can certainly afford a phone by now (laughs)!

- Oh we've had a pone for a long time,

haven't we dear? - After all, we're

old school chums, I said to myself.


Say Elizabeth, as soon as Alvin comes back in the room,

we've got to talk over old times!

(audience snickering)

Oh, oh he's back!

Naughty boy, sneaking up on people like that (chuckles)!

- I think I'll make some coffee.

- Stand up, stand up Alvin, let me get a look at you!

You haven't changed-- - Oh no you don't!

- Hey Alvin, the hair, receding a little bit at the temple!

Say Elizabeth, before I go, remind me

to recommend a scalp treatment for old baldy here (laughs)!

Ooh, say that's quite a corporation you got there Alvin,

you got to do something about that!

They say that corsets are wonderful!

- You know that's one good thing about Alvin,

he never looses his temper!

Do you dear?

Never in all the years we've been married

have I ever seen him be rude to a visitor.

Especially when he knows the visitor doesn't mean any harm.

And I, I,

I think I'll go bake a cake. - No no,

don't do that Elizabeth.

Now you kids probably are gonna think I'm silly

but you know what I'd love to do?

- I'm afraid to ask.

- Well I'd just love to look at our old school annual!

- Oh, oh that would be a lot of fun,

wouldn't it honey, that'd be all right!

- Big laughs, yeah. - Would you mind getting

it sweetheart, it's right in the,

it's in the hall closet, right next to the shotgun.

On second thought I'll get it.

- Never mind, I'll get it.

After all, it isn't open season for wolves, you know.

- Being rather stuffy about this isn't he?

- He's jealous.

And I wouldn't have him any other way.

- My wife's the same way!

- Is she Jack? - You talk about being

jealous, (chuckles), you know what she made me,

she made me get rid of all the blond furniture!

(audience laughing)

Talk about being jealous (chuckles)!

- You haven't changed (chuckles)!

- Why you know (laughs)...

Anyway, anyway you were the prettiest girl in school

and you're prettier than ever right now.

- Oh (chuckles), thanks...


- Oh, hi boy!

Find yourself a seat somewhere.

- I intend to. - Look sweetheart!

- Oh, (chuckles)...

- Oh no look at these dresses (chuckles)!


There you are on the football team.

- Yeah, yeah.

Oh, oh there you are in the Glee Club.

- Oh... - Oh!

- There I am on the Spanish Club!

- Yeah (chuckles)! - You remember that?

- Sure, there I am, there I am in the Debating Society!

I was quite a talker (chuckles)!

- Oh! - Oh, there am I

with all the letter men.

- Yeah, here's what I was looking at,

how about you in the Verse Speaking Choir!

- Oh I was so awful! (laughing)

Oh look, whatever happened to Harry Ratbone?

- A cat ate him!


Harry Ratbone (laughs)?

- Say uh, (mumbles)... - Alvin.

- Alvin, how come you're not (audience laughing)

in any of these pictures? - I was in the camera club.

- Well so what?

- He took all the pictures! - Oh, oh nice,

nice, work Alvin!

Oh, oh look, the Opereta!

- Oh not the Opereta!

- Morica of Astrakhan?

- Yes! - You were the leading lady,

and who was the leading man?

J-A! (laughing)

Hey, Elizabeth, do you remember,

♪ We walk hand in hand, like this ♪

♪ Plink

- Do you think we could ever

remember the routine? - Oh how can you forget

a thing like that?

(mumbling) We did it so often

in rehearsal, come on let's try!

I never thought we'd ever do this again!

Ready? - Yes.

♪ We walk hand in hand like this ♪

♪ Plink

♪ And then we stop and hug like this ♪

♪ Plink

♪ And then we stroll a little more ♪

♪ Plink

♪ And kiss, plink, and kiss, plink ♪

♪ And kiss-- - Plink!

(audience laughing)

- You didn't have to do that we didn't kiss!

Even in the play! - Although I must admit

I tried to have it re-written (laughs)!

- You!


- Something just occurred to me Elizabeth.

- What?

- Who else do you think was in the camera club with me?

- Who? (audience snickering)

- Gloria Applegate.

- Who? - Gloria Applegate,

you remember that flashy blonde

who used to date everybody!

- The one who used to wear the cheap perfume (laughs)!

(audience laughing)

- [Elizabeth] You know what we used to call her?

We used to call her Blarney Stone

because everybody kissed her (laughs)!

- [Alvin] Hey that's pretty good, Blarney Stone!

(audience laughing)

- Jack?

Jack what's the matter?

- Guess who I married?

- Oh not...

Oh no you didn't! - Blarney and I

have been very happy. (audience laughing)

- Well, if you get a popular girl like that,

honey, that isn't easy-- - You can't blame Elizabeth

for that, after all (mumbles). (arguing)

(audience laughing)

- [Announcer] Hey!

Say goodbye to the people!

- [All] Goodbye everybody.

- Well look, now there's no reason to get upset.

- I'm not (mumbles). (arguing)

(audience applauding)

(tranquil harp music)

- It's a good thing Elizabeth ended up with Alvin.

His patience plays well against her curious antics,

and tendency to land them in sticky situations.

Perhaps this character is true-to-life for White,

who mentioned that if a career in acting didn't work out,

she'd have become a zoo keeper.

In our next incident, Elizabeth's repeated phone calls

to Alvin at work are enough to drive anyone crazy.

(tranquil harp music)

- Betty White in,

Life With Elizabeth, (audience applauding)

featuring Del Moore!

Incident number one in the life of Elizabeth

occurred the time she called Alvin down.

I say she called him down because,

that's where he was, down at the office.

If we hurry we can catch Elizabeth before

all the mix-up starts.


How are you today?

(audience laughing) Can't decide which one

to wear tonight?

Got an idea?

You're going to call someone.


(audience laughing) Alvin?

I wouldn't call him at the office Elizabeth,

he might be busy.

(telephone ringing)

- Hello. - Hello darling.

- Oh hi sweetheart.

- You busy? - Oh a little bit

but go ahead, what's on your mind?

- Which of these two dresses should I wear tonight?

(audience laughing)

- Now there's a fine question to ask me on the phone.

- (chuckles) I guess you're right.

I should have sent you a telegram.

- Elizabeth have you flipped your pretty little wig?

- Oh I'm sorry darling I was just kidding.

It's just that I'm so excited to have a date

with my handsome husband I can't make up

my mind about the dresses.

Seriously, which one shall I wear?

- You're forgetting that I can't see 'em!

- Well they're hanging right there!

- Bye! - No really,

the yellow or the blue? - The yellow.

- Okay, thanks.

- Bye, bye. - Bye.

- What a gal.

(telephone ringing)

Hello. - Alvin you were right

about the blue.

- Okay fine, bye!

Elizabeth, wait a minute, don't hang up!

Hey, Elizabeth! - Alvin don't yell like that,

you made the dog bark!

- I didn't want you to hang up,

what time are you picking me up?

- Why should I pick you up?

- You have the car. - But you have the car keys.

- Oh, well there's another set in that jar in the kitchen.

Look, pick me up at the office, I'll get out by five.

- 4:30, right! - I said five!

- Yeah but I know me, I have to think 4:30

to get there at five.

(audience chuckling) Even then I'll be a little

late, I better think 4:15.

- I took all of that into account,

I don't get off until 5:30.

- So what time should I think?

- Eh, bye Elizabeth. (audience snickering)

(telephone ringing)

- Hello.

- Honey you were right about the yellow.

- Elizabeth is that why you called me up?

- No, not really, I got to thinking,

if you wouldn't mind walking a couple of extra blocks

I could meet you at the corner of 7th and Maple.

- Oh you mean because of the traffic?

- Uh-hmm, would you mind very much?

- Oh of course not, 7th and Maple it is.


- Keys in the jar, 7th and Maple...

(telephone ringing) (audience chuckling)

Hello? - Elizabeth those two

streets don't cross. (audience laughing)

- What two streets? - 7th and Maple,

they parallel each other, they run the same way.

- Oh (laughs), what's the matter with me?

Isn't that silly!

- Sure is.

- Let's make it 8th and Maple.

(audience chuckling) - Elizabeth,

doesn't it naturally follow, that if 7th and Maple

run the same way, then 8th and Maple

would run the same way?

- Not necessarily!

If Mr. Smith is knock-kneed and Mr. Jones

is bow-legged they wouldn't run the same way!

(audience laughing)

- Where are we meeting, Elizabeth?

- I'm sorry, let's see.

I know, you know where Wilshire Boulevard and 7th Street

kind of do this? - I can't see what

you're doing Elizabeth! (audience chuckling)

- Oh, where they cross? - Yeah.

- And then the street kind of swoops around this way?

- Eh, Elizabeth, I'll meet you at the station.



Would you remind me that I'm meeting my wife

at 5:30 at the station?

(telephone ringing) - Hello?

- Railroad, radio, gas or police?

(audience snickering) - What are you talking about?

- I'm meeting you at the station, I'm supposed to,

and, which one? - All of 'em,

just keep going from one to the other until I catch up

to you. (audience laughing)

- Alvin you don't have to be sarcastic,

I won't call you again!

- I'm sorry honey, look, I'll meet you

in front of the information booth at the railroad station.

There's a parking lot there and there's no traffic.

Now which dress are you gonna wear

so we can get that straight.

- I'll wear the yellow under the blue.

(audience snickering) - All right that's good.

Now you won't call me again will you?

- No.

- Bye. - Bye darling.

(audience snickering)

(telephone ringing) - Hello Elizabeth.

- You promise you won't get mad at me?

- All right.

- I wouldn't have called you except it's important.

- All right, all right.

- You promise you won't get mad?

- All right all right all right!

- Alvin your all-right's are edgy, if there's one thing

I can't stand it's a man with edgy all-rights!

- Never mind that, what's so important?

- What time did we say?

- 4:30, you said that you were gonna think 4:15.

- I think I'll think 4:30.

- Elizabeth. - Huh?

- I shall hang up on you at this point.

- Why? - I'm coming home.

We'll leave the house together.

- All right. - Oh and by the way,

in spite of all this I love you very much.

(lips smacking) - Me too.

(lips smacking) - Bye.

- Bye. - Bye.

- [Announcer] Elizabeth?

Now wasn't that nice?

- I guess after being married to Elizabeth

for so long, Alvin's come to realize,

when you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

In the next incident, we see Elizabeth as she

prepares to become a Girl Scout Troop Leader,

while Alvin takes the opportunity to determine

just how prepared she actually is.

- Incident number two in the life of Elizabeth,

occurred the time she was asked to go along

on a Girl Scout Outing as Assistant Troop Leader.

As I recall it, she was practicing on

how to sit around a campfire.

(bad harmonica music) (audience snickering)

- Very pretty dear, you're improving.

- You really think so?

I thought I was just getting used to it.

(bad harmonica music)

I know what's wrong!

- Oh reallY? - I haven't been doing this!

(audience chuckling) - Oh.

- Wait till you see how much better this sounds.

(awful harmonica music) - Listen, honey, honey!

I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating my wife!

- Alvin isn't beating me! (audience chuckling)

- Don't you think you ought to be studying up a little

on first aid and stuff instead of doing that?

After all an Assistant Troop Leader should know

something besides two miserable notes on a harmonica!

- I'll ignore the nasty way

you phrased that statement Alvin.

Here. - What's this?

- Girl Scout Handbook.

Ask me any question in that book!

- Okay we'll see how smart you are.

(bad harmonica music)

- Hey, I found a new note!

- You want me to help you with this?

- Sure let's go. - Okay.

(bad harmonica music) What are some of

the out-of-doors rules?

- What page? - 66.

- Um, on a hike with your troop

be responsible for one of the following,

where to go, what to wear--

- Okay you know that one.

All right. (bad harmonica music)

(audience snickering)

I have another question for you

as soon as you're through howling at the moon.

- That wasn't howling at the moon honey,

that was Oh! Susanna.

- How do you tell directions by the compass?

- Um, that page 264?

- Yes. - Um...

At night, north of the equator, there is one constant

compass point, the North Star or Polar Star,

see page 256, it is-- - Wait a minute.

You memorized this. - I memorized the whole book.

- [Alvin] Oh, let's try some questions without it.

- Why, everything I need to know is in that book?

- Just the same I'll give you some of my

life-saving questions left over from the old army days.

- If you don't stick to the Girl Scout book

you're gonna get some pretty silly answers.

- Never mind that, we'll take a hypothetical case.

Now there's a man drowning down at the beach.

What do you do?

- Nothing.

- The man is yelling for help, he's drowning.

- I can't hear him, I'm home cooking dinner.

(audience laughing)

- Let's start over again.

Look, you can hear the man drowning because

you are down at the beach too,

you're even wearing a bathing suit.

Now what do you do?

- Nothing.

- Why not?

- I can't swim (laughs)! (audience snickering)

You don't have to be so rough!

- Well I'm sorry.

All right let's forget the man down at the beach, now--

- Why, he's in trouble! (audience snickering)

- Oh but you don't know it

because you're home cooking dinner!

- Well I know about it now,

Alvin we'd better get down there...

- For goodness sake.

- Well, all right, now here we are down at the beach.

Now what was your question?

- What do you do about the drowning man?

- Nothing, I got here too late (laughs)!

(audience laughing)

Alvin's beating me! (audience laughing)

- All right. - Okay honey, I'll be good.

- No.

- Now, ask me some more questions.

- No.

- Okay I'll play one more chorus of Oh! Susanna.

(bad harmonica music)

- You win.

Look honey please, will you stop clowning around?

- Okay. - All right, now let's say

that I have a broken toe, what do you do about it?

- Put it in a splint.

- First sensible thing you've said all night!

- I'll go get my First Aid Kit,

you put your foot up. - This ought to be good.

- Here we go, now...

- What are you doing?

- Got to find out how to open the First Aid Kit.

(audience laughing)

You wanna hold this a minute honey, now the first thing we

do you see, is we splint the leg, like this.

(audience snickering)

This, around up here, (mumbles)...

- Hey wait a minute, I said that my toe is broken Elizabeth.

- Well I, I only have leg splints honey.

(audience snickering) That'll keep you off

that toe for a while.

Now, the next thing to do is entertain the patient

while he's in a helpless condition.

(bad harmonica music)

- Have you ever thought of using that thing

as an anesthetic?

- No and I'll play you on chorus of Annasus ho.

That's Oh! Susanna spelled backwards (laughs)!

- Wait a minute, I have one more question.

- Hmm? - How do you treat

a broken jaw?

- Alvin you wouldn't dare. - Answer the question.

- I don't even think that's in the book.

- Good, get up I'll show you, come on.

Stand up, come on.

(audience snickering) That's right, put your hands

behind you like this.

After we tie the patient's hands back here

so they won't interfere with the treatment,

hold still! - Broken jaw, is that 117?

- There we are, now we turn around

like so. - Page 226 maybe?

- Oh, I'll need something to hold the mouth open.

Hold it open, there you are like that.

Now we take this splint to the head,

right over the top see, there you are.

Hmm hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm...

Come come (chuckles).

There we are (chuckles).

Hi honey.

(bad harmonica music) Bye honey.

(energetic harmonica music) (audience snickering)

(harp music) (audience applauding)

- Not many actresses could pull off colossally goofy,

while still maintaining charm, and endearment,

as flawlessly as White.

She actually had even more on her plate than that.

She had creative control.

The program was produced by her company,

Bandy Productions, which was named after her dog, Bandit.

This next short is a prime example of

all the ingredients for making a seamless

situation comedy, where misunderstandings

are the order of the day.

(audience applauding) - Incident number three

in the Life of Elizabeth occurred the night

she almost cost the Census Taker his senses.

And while he wasn't a census taker exactly,

he was taking a survey.

No, that would make him a surveyor.

Uh, let's go back a year or two and see for ourselves.

Don't be alarmed, Alvin's in the den

and Elizabeth's out walking the dog.

Ah here she is now! (audience snickering)

The big fellow is Stormy, he lives here.

The little guy is Bandy, he belongs to momma.

Elizabeth and Alvin are sort of dog sitting

while momma's down at the neighborhood show.

- Alvin!

- Hello, hi honey, here let me take Stormy.

- Will you honey, here... - Yeah hi boy, nice walk?

Come on, come on Storm.

- Come on, come here Bandy (mumbles).

That's a good boy, oh my goodness.

(audience snickering) There you go.

Now, don't you let Stormy give you an

inferiority complex, he'd just do anything

to have a little flat face like yours.

(audience snickering) You stay there and go to sleep

until your mommy comes home, huh?

You stay now, that's it, stay!

- Well he's all set.

When's your mother due back from the movie?

- Honey she said in another couple of hours honey.

- Hey doesn't it strike you as kind of odd

that she'd come to visit us and spend

the entire evening at a movie?

- This is the only place she can get good popcorn.

(audience snickering)

- Say that's supposed to be a funny joke,

I don't have time to laugh, I'm watching

the Harry Ratbone show, come on honey.

- Be right there.

You (mumbles).

(doorbell ringing) - (mumbles),

you stay right there now!


- Oh, how do you do! (audience laughing)

I'm conducting a house-to-house survey in this area.

- I see. - And uh,

you wouldn't want me to come in and ask you

a few questions (mumbles). (audience snickering)

Thank you anyway, goodbye, and thanks for opening the door.

- W-W-Wait a, wait a minute, (sighs),

we're very interested in surveys around this house.

Come on in, I'll call my husband.


- You see, we're setting about to get the population,

and the type of dogs-- - Alvin!

I'm sorry, you were saying?

- Well I'm conducting this survey for my magazine

to determine the canine population--

- Honey we have company!

Come on in and sit down.

- Thank you.

- A minute ago you thanked me for, for,

go ahead and sit down, for opening the door,

you mean to tell me a lot of people

don't open the door when you ring?

- Well they look through those little peep holes.

I usually carry on a conversation with an eyeball.

(audience laughing) - Tell me about the survey.

- Do you have a dog?

- Yes, but tell me more about the survey.

- Well, Mr. Sylvester's the editor of our magazine,

do you know him?

- He's in the other room watching the Harry Ratbone Show.

- He is, oh good! - I'll get him.

- Hey I thought you we gonna...

Who killed him? - Honey he's making some

kind of a survey, I'm not sure, I think it's psychological.

- Oh...

- Well Mr. Sylvester this is a pleasant surprise!

I've worked for you but I've never had the

pleasure of making your acquaintance,

your sanctum sanctorum being what it is.

- My what?

- Don't worry about it honey, it hardly shows.

- I'm the one that wrote your slogan for the magazine.

- What slogan? - Let's all dog it together?

(audience snickering) - I'm afraid there's been

a slight case of mistaken identity here.

- Sure has. - Well I,

I see, well that's pretty stupid of me, I'm sorry!

- This is my husband Alvin, this isn't your boss.

- Oh, how do you do? - Hi.

- How about a raise? - No you don't understand,

this isn't your Mr. Sylvester.

- Oh well I know, but if you'll give me a raise,

I'll quite Mr. Sylvester. (audience chuckling)

- Get the net, get the net. - Uh, Alvin...

Let's get back to the survey, do you want to use the desk?

- Very well.

- You don't need me for this honey,

I have a cold, I'm gonna go in the other room for a while.

- Honey he'll need us both to answer the questions,

go on get a chair!

- Now these questions may sound a little unorthodox to you,

but that's the whole point of this survey.

Anybody can ask ordinary questions.

- I told you it was psychological darling.

- My name is Fred. (audience laughing)

- She was talking to me, she didn't call you darling.

- (mumbles), what do you want to know about?

- Well I don't want to know anything about you,

but you, you have a third party staying here?

- Oh momma, she's only visiting us.

- Well that doesn't make any difference,

see we'll put it down anyway.

Ma ma.

Male or female?

- Get the net! (audience snickering)

- He said they'd be unorthodox questions sweetheart.

- Hmm. - My name is Fred.

(audience snickering) - You don't need me to

answer questions about momma,

I'll be in the other room honey.

- Oh...

- Oh, oh don't forget about the raise!

Nice fella. - Yes he is.

Go on this is fascinating.

- Well now, what's her lineage?

(audience snickering) - Well momma's Scotch,

Irish, uh, a little German maybe.

- Yeah, Scotch, Terrier, Irish Setter,

possible German Shepherd.

Does she sit up?

(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh I see what you mean!

Yeah, yes she sits up with poppa whenever he's sick.

- Ah, I see.

(audience snickering)

Does she bark at people?

- Only poppa! (audience snickering)

- Barks at poppa.

Uh, has she ever seen a vet?

- Yes, yes as a matter of fact Poppa's a vet himself.

He was in World War I.

(chuckling) - These are very odd answers.

You don't want to fool with the officials, you know.

(audience laughing) - Odd questions, odd answers.

Go on. - Uh, what kind of dog food

does she prefer? - Momma dosn't eat dog food!

- Scraps from the table? - Oh momma scraps

from any place. (audience laughing)

- Fighter, okay.

Now what kind of coat does she have?

- Rabbit. - You mean it looks

like rabbit fur. - Yeah, it has silk lining,

and it has the big pockets...

(audience chuckling)

What's the matter? - Lady, we're not discussing

a kangaroo! - Oh I'm sorry.

I'm entitled to one wrong answer (chuckles).

- Does she sleep in a dog house or on the back porch?

- What? - No answer.

- Does she howl at the moon?

- It seems like there's something wrong here.

- Does she knock furniture over when she wags her tail?

(audience laughing) - Alvin!

- Does she, does she? - Alvin!

- What's the matter? - You stay here

I'll get the net. - Wait!

Wait a minute, what have you been saying to my wife?

- We were just discussing your dog Momma

when she got hysterical, and now I bid you goodbye.

It's safer for me to talk to eyeballs.

(audience snickering) - Dog?

I, I thought we were discussing my mother!

- Your mother?

- Oh, no wonder I acted so silly (chuckles)!

(laughing) Isn't that ridiculous?

Well we do have a dog if you want to finish the survey?

- Well, sure let's.

(audience snickering)

Now is it thoroughly understood

that we're talking about dogs?

- Of course.

Why don't you go put on some coffee darling?

- I'd love to but I have to write out this survey.

(audience laughing) - She was talking to me.

- I'll be right back, I'll go get Stormy's papers.

(audience chuckling)

- Well, if I'd noticed you before

we wouldn't have had all that.

You're such a sweet little puppy!

- Here they are (chuckles).


What do you want to know about Stormy?

- Well we'll skip all the obvious questions

and let me see, how much does he eat?

- Oh, I'd say about 2 1/2 pounds of meat a day.

(audience snickering)

- Glutton.

- Well, how we doing?

Did you tell him Stormy can set up and roll over?

And how he's always stealing food off the

top of the refrigerator? - (chuckles) Not yet.

- Acrobat. (audience snickering)

What's his lineage?

- Well it's all right here,

his father was a champion St. Bernard.

(audience laughing) - How do you account

for his size?

- Well you're the dog expert, you tell us.

- Well his mother must have been a mouse!

(audience laughing)

- You're all right Fred.

- Uh, how much does your dog weigh?

- Oh, I'd say, about 165 pounds, wouldn't you honey?

- Oh honey, about 175.

- We're talking about Stormy, not Momma.

(audience snickering) - I know that.

Momma weighs 240. (audience laughing)

What, what'd I say?

Momma does weigh 240 doesn't she?

- Well sure, where you going Fred?

- That little dog does not weigh 175 pounds,

nor does he steal food from off the

top of the refrigerator, nor was his father

a champion St. Bernard, nor was--

- [Alvin] Look would you stop nor-ing for

a minute and listen?

- This is Bandy, mamma's dog, this isn't Stormy!

Stormy's out in the back yard!

- Well what a crazy mixed-up afternoon this has been!

(all chuckling)

I'll tell 'ya, why don't we start this all over again,

we'll pretend we don't know each other?

- That's a good idea! - Good.

- Now we don't get mixed up,

you came in the door, remember?

- [Fred] I know, okay.

(knocking) - Hello?

- How do you do, I'm making a house-to-house survey,

do you have a dog, D-O-G, dog?

- Yes, yes we do, we have a St. Bernard.

- Oh... - Alvin!

- Well well, you tell him!

- How do you do Mr. Sylvest-- - No, you stay here,

I'll get the net! (chattering)

This isn't Mr. Sylvester, (arguing)

this is Bandy! - Hey!

Say goodbye to the people.

- Bye. - Goodbye everybody!

- Now there must be (mumbles)...

(arguing) (audience applauding)

(pleasant music)

("Life With Elizabeth" closing theme music)

- And thus, the American sitcom was born.

A comedy of situations to say the least,

elevated by talented actors with immaculate delivery.

One would go on to become a pioneer of television,

with both accomplishments in front of,

and behind the camera, as well as longevity.

White has gone on to receive six Emmy Awards,

including five for acting,

and has accrued 20 Emmy nominations

over her impressive career.

She is the only person to have earned an

Emmy in all female performing comedic categories.

So as Alvin would say, "I shall leave you now."

Until next time, when we again venture back,

to the golden days,

to the days that remind us off where

this magic all began, as I Remember Television, again.


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