House Seats

S1 E8 | FULL EPISODE

Wack or Woke? Andrea Coleman Judges the Law at The Tank

Andrea Coleman, real life lawyer faux Judge, comedically rules and riffs on the wildest laws that actually exist in America. In this episode, filmed at The Tank in New York City, Coleman is joined by Judge Karen M. Ortiz and comedians (and friends) Andres Mallipudi, Todd Montesi and Kate Sisk to explore a law that dog owners might have strong opinions about! Filmed at The Tank in New York City

AIRED: July 15, 2020 | 0:58:22
ABOUT THE PROGRAM
TRANSCRIPT

♪♪

Man: Will you come over stage right?

Man #2: Places, everyone.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Welcome to "Wack or Woke? Andrea Coleman Judges the Law."

I'm Andrea Coleman, and here's how it goes.

So, wack is, like, bad.

Woke is good.

And so I'm gonna be judging the law tonight,

along with three comedians, as well.

And I'm gonna give you a law --

I'll tell you what the law is later,

but it's about poop.

[ Laughter ]

It's a dog poop law.

So what's gonna happen is,

I'm gonna have the law read to you

and then I'm gonna rule on the law

and tell you whether or not I think it's good or bad,

wack or woke.

And then I've got three comedians who are gonna come up.

They're gonna do some stand-up comedy,

and then I'm gonna swear them in as judges.

And thenthey're gonna make a ruling

on whether the law is wack or woke.

So, normally, I only do one law per show.

But because it's December,

I'm giving me two laws in this --

[ Cheers and applause ]

I know.

Now, the laws are from the same state, and they're similar.

They're both about dog poop, but they're slightly different.

And I have strong feelings about both of the laws,

so it's gonna be exciting.

I'm curious to see what the comedians

are gonna do, as well.

So, you may be thinking to yourself,

"What makes this woman think she's qualified

to pass judgment on a law?

Is she a judge or something?"

No, I'm not a judge, but I'm a lawyer.

I am a lawyer, I -- [ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

I've been practicing law for almost 13 years.

I'm actually a senior trial attorney.

I've tried many, many cases

and I've been before many judges,

and therefore that makes me feel like I'm qualified

to pass judgment on laws.

The law school that I graduated from

was called Washington and Lee,

named after George Washington and Robert E. Lee.

So, a slave owner

and a general in the Confederate Army.

Can I just say I'mso the person they had in mind

when they were thinking about opening up an institution

of higher education?

Washington and Lee was just like any other law school, though,

except instead of moot court and law review,

the black students had to pick cotton.

[ Laughter, groans ]

I love that joke.

I feel like it divides the room.

Like right here.

I feel like it makes white people uncomfortable,

but I'm okay with that

because white people make me uncomfortable all the time.

So I feel like it's a trade-off.

And I don't even -- I don't even usually have any issues

with, like, overt racism or anything like that.

But when I first started practicing law,

I was meeting up with a client to defend her for a deposition,

and we'd only ever had conversations over the phone,

so I guess she didn't know I was black.

And when she saw me, she freaked out,

did not want me to represent her,

and demanded proof that I was really an attorney.

Which made me wonder, what is it that she's thinking?

That this is part of some elaborate black scheme

to trick white people by defending them at depositions?

[ Laughter ]

But now, thanks to, like, Olivia Pope in "Scandal"

and Viola Davis in "How to Get Away With Murder,"

now I feel like the expectations on black women

are way too high. [ Laughter ]

Like, I cannot help you get away with murder.

Being a black female attorney is interesting.

I'm actually -- I'm usually the only black woman

in the room, and I see tonight,

I'm not the only black woman in this room.

No, you're not. I love it. No, you're not.

And don't say that you are.

There's some very...

There's black women representing,

which I appreciate, and I got a thumbs-up.

Thank you. I appreciate it.

But I'm usually the only black woman in the room

when I'm in legal situations,

and so I'd like to get some benefit out of it.

So I just want to say, I do not condone racism.

However, I would like to revisit the topic

of segregated bathrooms.

Hear me out.

So, if we had segregated bathrooms,

because I'm usually the only black woman in the room,

I'd have my own private oasis.

Plenty of toilet paper,

plenty of soap, no line.

I'm just saying, let's open up a dialogue,

speak truth to power.

Just, let's consider it.

The thing that's upsetting, though,

is the wage gap for black women.

So, like, black women, we make 63 cents on the dollar

compared to white men. 63 cents.

And then the more educated we are, we make even less.

So a black woman with a bachelor's degree

makes 62 cents on the dollar compared to white men.

So, I have a B.A. and a J.D.

If I get my PhD, I'm gonna have to apply for food stamps.

[ Laughter ]

I saw a black woman on the subway on the way over here

begging for change. She was homeless.

I can only assume she was a neurosurgeon.

[ Laughter ]

Oprah Winfrey is like the richest black woman

on the planet, in the galaxy.

She dropped out of college her sophomore year.

That bitch knew something

and didn't tell anybody.

I'm so upset.

It makes me want to start a campaign

to stop black women from educating themselves

because it's killing us.

I feel like we should work together on this.

Here's what I want you to do.

If you see a black woman reading a book

that requires more than a 12th-grade education,

take it from her. If she protests,

tell her black lives matter and then move on.

You've done your duty. I'm serious.

Like, ever since I found out I only make

62 cents on the dollar compared to white men,

I only do 62% of any job I'm asked to do.

[ Laughter ]

Any job.

All jobs.

Including blow jobs. [ Laughter ]

It's true. I said it. My man will be like,

"Honey, I'm almost there. Why'd you stop?"

Why'd I stop? The wage gap.

[ Laughter ]

He likes that.

So, let's get on with the laws of the show.

Let's get on with the laws.

Now, there are two laws we're gonna look at tonight --

one from Seattle,

and then the other one is from Bothell, Washington.

Has anybody heard of it?

No? So then I'm saying it correctly.

[ Laughter ]

Bothell, Washington.

So, the treat that I have for you,

in addition to it being two laws,

is the person who is going to read the law to you.

The person that's gonna read the law

is an actual, real-life New York judge.

She's the only person in this room tonight qualified

to actually pass judgment on any laws.

But she will not be passing judgment on laws tonight.

The comedians will be passing judgment on the law,

but we're gonna be having her read the law.

So please put your hands together to welcome

Judge Karen Ortiz to the stage.

[ Cheers and applause ]

I was gonna say "reporting for doodie," but...

[ Laughter ]

So, the first law is from Bothell, Washington, law.

It's Section 6.16.011 C -- Animal Waste.

"It shall be unlawful for any person to fail to have

in his or her immediate possession

an appropriately sized bag

to be used for the removal of animal feces

when accompanying an animal on public property

or private property of another."

The second law --

Seattle, Washington, law 18.12.080.

"Animals running at large prohibited.

Any person with a dog or other pet

in his or her possession

or under his or her control in any park

shall be responsible and liable for the conduct of the animal,

shall carry equipment for removing feces,

and shall place feces deposited by such animal

in an appropriate receptacle."

There you go. Thank you very much, Your Honor.

[ Applause ]

Judge Karen Ortiz, everyone!

[ Cheers and applause ]

She is a friend of the show, and we're a huge fan of her.

So, here are the two laws.

So, I want to talk about the Seattle law first.

Well, so, here's my deal.

You know, I love laws.

I love when they're really strict and narrow

and firm and clear.

So we're gonna talk about the Seattle law first.

I want to focus you on the part

where it says, "Shall carry equipment."

So, basically, what they're saying is like,

you've got to have equipment on you at all times

if you're with an animal outside.

That's different -- to me, that's different from

if you're walking...like...

Everyone, I think -- we'll find out,

but I feel like everyone believes

that you should pick up dog poop.

Yes? [ Scattered shouts ]

Everyone believes it. Okay.

But I think there's a difference

from "pick up your dog's poop"

to "always be carrying equipment."

So, the reason I bring it up is because there was a man

in Seattle who got a citation for breaking this law.

Let me tell you about him.

His name is Steve. He was from Mount Vernon.

He was a wooden boat builder.

That's a thing.

He had a 13-year-old shepherd mix

called Amy.

He took her out one day.

He did not have her on a leash because he said, quote,

"She's 13. She can barely walk."

Two humane law enforcement officers came.

They wrote this person a citation

for Amy not being on a leash.

And then when he looked at the citation, he realized

they had also given him a citation

for failure to carry scoop equipment.

So his feeling was, like, although he wasn't carrying

a plastic bag to pick up Amy's poop,

what he did was walk to a nearby garbage can,

find an empty plastic bag, and use that.

Not acceptable.

So he got a $54 citation for that.

And he said, quote, "My point was that there is no definition.

It could be the hat on your head.

It could be your hand.

For $54, I'd take off my shirt and I'd use that."

So the reason I don't like...

Oh, my gosh, I'm about to pass a ruling

without a robe on, and it's not official.

Okay, give me a moment. Give me a moment.

Okay. Now we're ready.

So... [ Indistinct comment from audience ]

Thank you. I appreciate the acknowledgment of the robe.

So, the reason I don't like the Seattle law

is because "carrying equipment" is kind of vague.

Like, it literally could be anything.

So, that law, the Seattle law, in my opinion --

and my opinion is the only one that matters tonight.

That law is wack.

So now let's talk about the Bothell law,

which I really love because it's so specific.

So, they're saying you have to carry a bag.

So you can't use a leaf,

you can't use something you pick up out of the trash can.

And what I really love about it is that

if you're walking your dog and you only have one bag

and you use that one bag, you can still get a citation

'cause you need to still have another bag.

Like, you just...

It's like ABC --

"always be carrying bags."

You must always have a bag on the ready.

And I love that. I mean, it's strict,

but I like strict, and it's super clear.

So my ruling is that the Bothell law is woke,

and we'll see if my comedian judges agree with me.

I do have to say, I don't own a dog.

I don't speak from any kind of experience.

I've never owned a dog. I had cats.

I did clean out their litter trays, but...

So maybe you find that my assessment doesn't matter

because I'm not a dog owner.

But again, it's my courtroom,

and the Bothell law is woke, in my opinion.

We'll see what the other judges have to say.

So, the first judge that we're gonna bring to the stage,

he's gonna do some stand-up for you,

and then we're gonna swear him in as a judge.

I've known him for a long time.

He is a comedian that performs all over the city.

He has an amazing show that he produces at Caveat.

But put your hands together for Andrés Mallipudi!

[ Applause ]

I just want to start off by apologizing

for thinking that I could pull this mustache off.

[ Laughter ]

Oof. I cannot.

Not with this nose-glasses- eyebrows combination.

Somebody at work came up to me the other day and went,

"You look like you're always wearing a disguise."

[ Laughter ]

So I guess that's my vibe now --

people feel comfortable making fun of my face

to my face.

Ugh.

Do you guys want to play a quick game with me?

Yeah. Yes. Alright.

This is a game that white people love playing with me.

It's called "What Is Your Ethnicity?"

[ Laughter ]

You are perfect.

[ Laughter ]

You guys are, too. I don't know what you guys are laughing over.

Alright, sir, what do you got? What is my ethnicity?

Your ethnicity? Yep.

I think you're of...

Eskimo descent.

Wow, I have never gotten that before.

What do you guys got?

Man: Based on the last name,

I'm gonna say either Indian or Pakistani.

Awesome. Two guesses. What do you got?

Man #2: Can't tell ya. Uh, alright.

[ Laughter ] What about you?

Man #3: Um...

Spanish?

Spanish. Very vague, and it was on film.

This is great. [ Laughter ]

Fantastic, you guys.

My dad is from India.

My mom is from Peru.

Yeah!

But most people usually just think

that I am, uh, ugly.

[ Laughter, "aww"s ]

Did you guys just "aww" at that?

That makes it so much worse.

'Cause what you're saying when you go, "Awwwww,"

is really,

"Yeahhhhh."

[ Laughter ]

You just had to come out and say it.

That was, uh...

That was worse than laughing too hard at that joke.

Ahh.

Now, it sucks because people hear Indian and Peruvian,

they're like, "Oooh!"

Yeah, and then they see me in person and they're like,

"Oh."

It's like the same kind of disappointment

that your parents get

when they find out you do stand-up comedy.

No, I should be good-looking.

My siblings are good-looking people.

They look really good.

And I look like I'm good

at social studies.

[ Laughter ]

I have a very academic face.

I'm very academic in the face.

This face took me to college, actually.

I went to the only school that I could afford.

It's called Brigham Young University.

It's owned by

the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Have you guys ever been so broke

that you converted to Mormonism?

[ Laughter ]

You said yeah. I don't believe you.

[ Laughter ]

Have you guys ever looked at your college savings account

and thought, "You know what?

Maybe Joseph Smith isn't that crazy."

Has the price of college tuition ever been so exorbitant

that you're like, "You know what? For four years,

I could be a homophobe."

Alright, let's go Cougars!

[ Laughter ]

I am from Alaska, actually.

Yeah, so I don't know how you got that, but great job.

[ Laughter ]

When I tell people in New York that I'm from Alaska,

they all -- they say,

"You're the first person I've ever met from Alaska,"

and they hit me with the same three questions.

So I'm just gonna answer all of them for you now.

Yes, it does get very cold.

Yes, it does get very dark.

And yes, we do have

the highest rate of gonorrhea in these United States.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, the winters are cold and dark,

but the nether regions burn like fire.

[ Laughter ]

Because what is the urethra,

if not the body's natural furnace?

[ Laughter ]

I got engaged recently, which is very exciting.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.

I also recently learned

that I'm not above pandering to the audience.

[ Laughter ]

No, I did get engaged, and it's...

My fiancée is beautiful. She's a beautiful woman.

And it's not fair, because I look

like I took somebody in the movie "Taken."

And so, our engagement photos,

I just look like the world's happiest kidnapper.

[ Laughter ]

[ Foreign accent ] Tracy, smile for the camera, smile.

[ Sighs ]

Our save the dates just say,

"RSVP by January 7th

or I started sending fingers!"

[ Laughter ]

You guys want to play another quick game with me?

[ Audience cheers ] Alright.

This is a game that I'm very, very good at.

It's called "Who Has the Highest Amount of Student Loan Debt?"

Man: Whoo!

Whoo! Right.

Every time you go, "Whoo!"

Betsy DeVos buys a new summer home.

[ Laughter ] Whoo!

Alright, what do you got?

About $25,000.

$25,000. Alright.

Who can beat $25,000?

Nobody? Congratulations.

Uh, 'cause you won, I guess.

[ Laughter ]

No, I still got you beat, 'cause I have

$140,000 of student loan debt.

[ Indistinct comment from audience ] I know.

And it sucks because I still haven't graduated yet.

From high school. [ Laughter ]

Social studies is expensive, you guys.

$140,000, that's...

Hey, I'm not a finance guy, but I'm pretty sure the formula

for the amount of student loan debt you should have

is not your body weight times a thousand dollars.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

The worst part about that joke

is that in order for it to be true,

I have to gain 16 pounds.

[ Laughter ]

[ Sighs ]

No, it's...it really... It bothers me so much

because, well, first off, let me tell you,

if you feel bad for me, don't, because you guys are right --

Iam a doctor. Yeah.

No, you don't have to applaud. That's fine.

So I am gonna be totally fine with covering this debt.

I just want to give you a quick example.

What's your name, sir? Michael.

Michael, how are you doing tonight?

I'm doing good. How are you?

Great. Thank you for asking.

That'll be $70,000.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah. Alright, who's next...

Actually, Michael, what kind of health insurance do you have?

What does that mean?

Alright. That'll be $140,000.

Guys, I'm fine.

Now, $140,000 -- it should bother me a lot,

alright, 'cause I'm normally a very, very cheap person.

For example, three years ago,

I accidentally threw out $17

in an old pair of pants,

and I think about that every single day.

A 10, a five, and two ones.

Incidentally, a 10, a five, and two ones

is also how Donald Trump describes his children.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My fiancée and I, we graduated from medical school together.

And when you go through medical school together

and you graduate together, you have to go through

couples financial aid counseling.

And so when we did that, I learned that I actually

don't have $140,000 of debt.

I learned thatwe have $307,000 of debt.

And the counselor was like,

"You don't have to worry about this,

'cause as long as you take all the proper steps,

everything will be fine, as long as you start planning now

on selling cocaine."

[ Laughter ]

So please meet me after the show.

No, I look like a doctor, which is very helpful for me,

but it hurts sometimes, too.

We treat prisoners at the hospital where I work,

and it's very important work, it's very gratifying

'cause these people are very marginalized,

they're very sick,

and they are very good

at hurting my feelings.

Oh, my God. They are...

I was walking up to one guy,

and from across the room, he went,

"No.

No, no.

You are not treating me. You know why?

This isn't India. This isn't Pakistan.

This isn't Bangladesh. This isn't Sri Lanka."

And I had to stop him right there.

I wasn't offended. I was just impressed.

[ Laughter ]

I was like, "Where are you incarcerated?

The Rikers Island Institute of Geographical Sciences?

You're wearing an orange jumpsuit that says D.O.C.

Does that stand for Department of Cartography?"

[ Laughter ]

And these guys are so... They're so, so funny.

Like, has anybody ever laughed at you so hard

that the shackles binding their freedom jingle with glee?

[ Laughter ]

Alright, guys, that's been my time.

I've been Andrés Mallipudi. Thank you so much.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Andrés Mallipudi!

[ Applause continues ]

Alright. So, I have to swear him in.

Typically, when a judge gets sworn in,

they put their hand on a Bible.

Here, we use shea butter

'cause there's nothing holier to a black woman

than moisturizer.

Please put your hand -- one of your hands

and then raise the other one, please.

Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will be

a funny and irreverent woke law judge?

I do. High five.

Welcome to the force. Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Your Honor, some preliminary question.

Yes.

Do you own a pet?

I do not.

I don't know why I thought you owned a dog.

I live in New York City. Why would you assume that?

I don't know!

I have to acknowledge

I've been to Andrés' apartment before

that he shares with his lovely fiancée,

and I don't know why I thought there was a dog there.

It smells horrible.

[ Laughter ]

Have you ever owned a pet? Yes, I have.

Okay. Was it a dog?

Yes, it was. Okay, great.

So, do you feel...

Do you believe that dog owners should have to pick up

the poop of their animal?

Yes, they should. Okay.

Now, do you have any feelings

about how, like, whether or not a law

should be in place that says

it has to be "equipment" or a bag?

Or do you feel like it could be a free-for-all?

It can be anything, as long as you clean up after your dog.

I think that's what the law is trying to get at.

But by stipulating that you have to have a certain article

to remove said feces is out of line.

It's out of line! Yes. Yeah.

He's disagreeing with me on my own stage.

Okay, okay.

So you dislike both of these laws.

Both of these laws, to you, are wack.

Yes. Wow.

Can I give an example? Please. Talk to me.

And I was just realizing that I had this horrible memory

while I was listening to your initial remarks.

So, I had a paper route growing up,

and paper at that time had small orange plastic bags

that you would use to stuff the papers in and throw it out,

which are also perfect for picking up dog poop.

Now, it just so happened

that my dog ate one of those plastic bags,

and those are not easily digestible.

So as the dog was pooping, a bag was coming out

with the rest of the feces.

And I had to step on it while she walked away.

[ Laughter ]

Technically, I could have used that bag.

[ Laughter and applause ]

But it wasn't in my possession the whole time.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, but have you ever stepped in dog poop before?

Yes, I have.

Okay, so, I feel like most people

are not picking up dog poop. Correct.

So I think we need strict laws.

And I feel like people

need to be getting citations left and right.

And then maybe they won't be leaving poop.

I just feel like we need harsher penalties.

Harsher penalties for not picking up after. Yes.

And so I feel like

if we have police officers walking around...

[ Laughs ] I mean, this sounds horrible,

as I finish this thought, but I don't care.

If we had police officers

and they see someone walking around with a dog

and they're just like, "Show me the bags."

And if they can't show you the bags,

then you get a citation.

I mean, I just feel like

maybe more of a police state, I guess, is what I'm...

[ Laughter ]

For some reason, that's I'm in favor of.

I don't know. That sounds super woke.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I'm gonna ignore the sarcasm that I heard in your voice.

Is this drastic enough for you?

Do you want something more drastic than this?

I think this is drastic enough, but if they want to, you know,

penalize the person physically, I'm fine with that, too.

[ Laughter ]

I'm kidding!

Okay, so you think both the laws are wack.

Yeah. You're in disagreement with me.

I am in disagreement. Alright.

I mean, I want to give you a little bit more validity

because I know you're somebody who's walked a dog outside.

I've only...My cat does whatever it wants inside.

Oh,that is wack. That...

In what way? What are you saying?

Cats poop in a box. Right.

Alright, never mind. No, no, please!

No, that's what I'm saying. I get it.

I'm not having the same experience as a dog owner's having.

You've never picked up poop with your hands.

No! It's disgusting. Yeah.

As an emergency medicine doctor, I have picked up

human feces with my hands.

[ Indistinct comment from audience ]

What? Do you...? He said yes, he agrees with you.

He agrees, yeah. He's been watching you.

You said it as if I picked upyour feces.

You're like, "Yeah." [ Laughter ]

"Yes, you have."

It's bad, but it's not that bad.

Like, you can... I -- Why...

What's stopping somebody from saying,

"I don't have a bag on me, but look,

I'm throwing it in the garbage"?

Sidestepping the law.

Okay, so I need some clarity.

Is this person doing it like a bare hand?

Bare-handed to avoid a $54 ticket.

Okay, let me ask you something.

You just said you picked up poop of a human.

I assumed you had -- I was wearing two gloves, yes.

Okay. Alright. Okay.

I just thought... You seemed so comfortable

with somebody touching a dog's feces with their bare hand,

I wasn't clear, but I...

I mean, my hands are, like wringing, thinking about... Yeah.

I mean, like I said, I'm a very cheap person.

I am not above that. [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Laughter ]

Your Honor, I -- I...

I respect your position. Thank you.

And I appreciate it.

Yeah, okay.

Wack and woke.

And we'll see what the other judges have to say

and at the end... I'm looking forward to it.

Yeah. We'll tally it up. Alright.

Andrés Mallipudi.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So, another thing that I like to do in every show

is highlight black female judges

that I think should be on the Supreme Court.

So, I don't know if you guys know this,

but there has never been a black woman

on the Supreme Court ever, ever, ever.

And I think that's a huge problem.

I don't like it. I think black women

make great decisions. And I feel like there's a reason

why people describe us as magical.

And I think we need some of that magic on the Supreme Court.

So instead of complaining about it,

I'm trying to offer help.

And by help, I mean I'm gonna...

I like to give people suggestions

of who should be short-listed on the Supreme Court.

So, the very first person that I would like to nominate

for the Supreme Court is Judge Saundra Armstrong.

You can clap for her if you wish.

[ Applause ] [ Laughs ]

So, she was born in 1947 in Oakland, California.

She actually used to be a federal judge

for the Northern District of California,

and she was nominated by George Bush in 1991.

And I like that because I think it shows

that black people aren't monolithic

and that Republicans aren't monolithic

and that white men aren't monolithic.

I just think it's... I like this idea

of, like, a white male Republican being like,

this black woman needs to be on a federal court.

So I like that a lot.

Now, my favorite thing about her

is that she used to be a police officer in Oakland.

And as a matter of fact, she was the first black woman

on the Oakland police force.

[ Applause ] Look at her!

Look at that Afro!

So, she was on the police force from 1970 to 1977.

And while she was there, she advocated

for equal hiring practices for men and women.

So I think she's awesome.

So I nominate Judge Saundra Armstrong.

[ Applause ]

Now we're gonna get on with the comedy,

and the next judge that we're gonna have come up

is a gentleman who's been on the show before.

He's a friend of the show.

But before I swear him in,

I'm gonna let you guys get to know him as a comedian.

So please put your hands together for Todd Montesi.

[ Applause ] Montesi: Yeah, guys! Alright!

Thank you, Andrea. I appreciate it.

Thank you, guys.

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

Right on. Alright! How's it going, guys?

Yeah, I appreciate this show. This show's very smart.

You know, everyone's woke here, you know.

Right? We're all woke, right?

White people sitting next to black people --

black person, in harmony. Right, it's beautiful.

You know, it's good, too. Like, I'm glad

I, like, get to learn about different judges and stuff,

especially minority judges, because the only judge,

like, we know, for me as a black person,

is, like, Judge Mathis. That's really about it.

And Judge Mathis is not really that positive of a judge,

'cause anytime you see Judge Mathis,

he's just like, "Oh, so you stole that fried chicken?

You're guilty!"

It's like, we want more of that. But it's good.

You know, we got a black woman with a gun

talking to a white guy in the 1970s.

I'll take that.

I'm sure that'll be a Spike Lee movie

in like a couple years maybe. I don't know. Yeah.

Anyway, speaking of Spike Lee, I'm a native New Yorker, guys.

Any native New Yorkers here? [ Audience cheers ]

There you go. There you go.

It's kind of weird 'cause I grew up in Brooklyn

when Brooklyn was wack, alright?

Now Brooklyn's woke,

which is kind of annoying, though,

'cause I grew up when it was wack,

when it was, like, violent and bad

and there were, like, riots and all that stuff.

You know, like, I grew up in Flatbush,

in Midwood, right? It's a very interesting area.

Half the area's Caribbean.

The other half is Orthodox Jewish.

That's why I look like Method Man

and sound like Jerry Lewis.

[ Laughter ]

It's great having this voice, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I wanted to join a gang.

But I couldn't join a gang with this voice, right?

This is not a...it's not a gangsta voice, you know?

Maybe in the 1920s -- "Yeah, see?"

But we're not, you know, we're not doing that anymore.

Honestly, too, like you...

Obviously, if I was trying to rob you,

you know it's gonna be me, right?

Like, I put on a ski mask, you're gonna be like,

"Todd, come on. We know it's you."

"Do you need money for your basketball team?

What's going on here? What's your Venmo?

Come on, Todd. Get it together, buddy."

Yeah, it's weird, man. Yeah.

Yeah, man, I'll tell you this, though --

It's kind of weird. I think the only way

I could be, like, a criminal with this voice

if I was, like, maybe a Batman villain, you know?

But not like a current Batman villain now.

Like, you see the Joker, it's just all gritty,

like, whoa, the joker, man! Whoa, huh?

I got those themes. Whoa!

I'd be more of like a 1970s Batman villain.

You know, like, more of like a, "Oh, no, Batman's here!

He's gonna take all our Scooby Snacks!

We got to run! Zoinks!"

And I just, like, hide somewhere.

And then, you know, Scooby-Doo is with me.

He's like, "Whoa!" You know, all that stuff.

I never liked Batman growing up as a kid.

You know, I always thought Batman was a douche.

Any Batman fans here?

It's okay, guys. [ Laughter ]

I know I'm the omnipotent comedian voice here

with the room, but...

You like Batman, right? Over there?

Yeah, yeah. Why do you like Batman?

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Yes! That's why!

He is fucking rich. He had cool toys.

Yes! He had billions of dollars,

and he's fighting crime.

He could take all that money, solve world hunger.

Like, he could take that money and fund PBS.

Let's just be real, guys. Let's be real.

Let's be real.

Instead, he takes that money and what does he do?

He fights a guy with a question mark on his T-shirt.

The Riddler! I don't know, guys.

Call me crazy, but to defeat the Riddler,

how about answering his riddles, huh?

How about that? Yeah.

Alright. Here's proof positive

that Batman is a horrible human being.

Okay.

Alfred! Okay?

Alfred.

Fellow old white man, right?

I'm looking at you, man. I'm just saying, right?

I'm looking out for you.

Alfred. He's 90 years old.

He's still working for Batman?

Sounds like slavery to me, guys. [ Laughter ]

What's going on here?

Like, how rich are you

that you have an old white English guy

on your beck and call.

That's just way too much money, guys.

Poor Alfred's just like, "Please, sir, let me go."

"No, Alfred, my parents are dead.

Tuck me in. I'm Batman."

[ Laughter ]

Horrible. Horrible.

So, I didn't look up to Batman.

It's kind of weird, though, 'cause I grew up

in like the late '80s, early '90s.

And if you grew up during that time,

all your heroes were garbage people, right?

They were. They were. They were.

Look who came from the late '80s and '90s.

Donald Trump, right?

Was a big popular guy in the '80s and '90s.

Always said he became president 'cause he's like,

"Hey, remember me? I was in 'Home Alone 2.'"

And America was like, "Yeah, I remember that!

Yeah, I'll vote for you. Why not?"

It's sad, you know.

There is one person I did look up to as a kid

that has not let me down. Okay?

And that's Eeyore from "Winnie the Pooh."

Yeah, 'cause I said to myself,

I, too, can grow up and become a miserable, depressed jackass.

Lo and behold, mission accomplished, guys.

[ Laughter ]

You know, it's the holidays, too, though,

and it makes you think about, like, people that passed away.

And I recently had a friend that passed away,

which is really sad. Yeah.

But before he passed away, he said to me,

"Todd, I'm gonna come to your next comedy show.

I'm gonna bring all my friends. It's gonna be a party."

Like, aw, sweet! Great! Right.

And then he died the next day. Yeah, yeah.

All I got to say is,

if you don't want to come to my comedy show,

just don't come, guys, okay?

[ Laughter ]

So, I did go on the Facebook invite,

'cause he did invite all his friends, right?

And I said, "Hey, I know he passed away,

but are you guys gonna come to the show?"

And they were like, "Nah, man, we got to go to his funeral."

Great! Screwed me twice. Shame on me, huh, guys?

[ Laughter ] Had to do that.

My name's Todd Montesi. Thank you very much, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Todd Montesi!

Thank you, guys. Thank you.

Wow.

I know it's warm in here, you guys.

It's the jokes. It's the comedy makes it hot.

There you go. You know what to do.

Speaking of schvitzing and cocoa butter...

[ Laughter ] Alright.

Do I swear to uphold Black Lives Matter and...?

That's even better. Do you?

Yeah, of course! Yes. Awesome.

Welcome, welcome.

[ Applause ]

I feel like it's one of those, like, Sunday morning shows,

like, "What it is, y'all! Am I right?"

On PBS today, we're gonna talk about

white people pooping on the street with their dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Is that wack or woke?

Well, I don't know, Miss Andrea.

[ Laughter ]

So, do you...Have you ever stepped in dog poop?

Of course. I'm from New York.

That's, like, my life, basically.

My life is stepping on dog poop.

I feel like...So, I don't know why I'm doing this,

but I like guessing

whether or not the comedians own a dog.

I feel like you don't own a dog.

I don't. No, no, I don't.

Right, I got one right. I got one right. Probably never will, but...

Have you ever owned a dog? No, no, no.

I grew up very poor.

And like, I feel like having a pet is a lot of upkeep.

Yeah. I have taken care of other people's pets, right?

Oh! Like, when my aunts went out of town.

It's like, when I was a kid,

it's like, "Oh, yeah, we'll take care of your cats," you know.

Okay. Have you ever walked a dog?

Uh, I have drunkenly walked my bartender's dogs.

[ Laughter ]

Long story short, guys --

I am an alcoholic, and, uh...

I trade favors for, uh...

[ Laughter ]

Let's keep it at that.

But yes, I have walked a dog or two.

Wink, wink. Alright.

Have you ever picked up the poop of a dog?

No, because here's the thing. Here's the thing.

No, 'cause the dog has not pooped.

Which we bring back to the law right here...

Okay. ...why, to me, that law is wack,

'cause it's presuming the dog's gonna poop.

How you know the dog's gonna poop?

What if the dog just wants to walk? Right.

What if the dog just wants to urinate, right?

So that's, you know, that's putting a lot of thoughts

and, like, you know, things into the situation.

And it's -- again, it's more big government

trying to control my dog's bladder.

[ Laughter ]

Alright! I mean, I think you make a good point.

I think you're right. I mean, whether your...

Maybe your dog had already pooped

and there's no more poop coming,

and you know your dog's poop cycle. Right.

You only need one bag. Right.

I hear what you're saying.

Why put it in a dog's head that, "Oh, you better poop now

or the police are gonna arrest us," right?

Have you seen a dog try to poop outside?

They're always looking like, "Oh, man, this is weird."

And now you want to put more problems in your dog's head?

You're a dog! You're not a human being.

You're dealing with dog stuff.

You sniff ass and you say hello,

you bark at stuff -- that's it.

You don't need more existential crises as a dog.

Right, I mean, to be hon--

I mean, if we could see the law again, it's true.

I didn't think about what the law could do for the dog

or how it would hurt the dog. Yeah, yeah.

So I guess you care more about

protecting the rights of the dog and the dog owner

than you do about protecting your own footwear.

Where's the black woman with the Afro, with a gun

next to a cop? Put that picture again.

I feel like that picture makes me look smarter

than just, like, words here.

I feel like they just sound like,

"Yeah, right, dogs and poop, and then, like, authority."

Right?

Would you please put back one of the pictures

of Judge Armstrong with an Afro? Thank you!

Yeah, oh, I like that one. Wow. Right.

Yo, you think they had sex afterwards?

I feel like it's very, like.. 'Cause, yeah, like...

'Cause you see that phallic symbol right here.

Right? It's just like,

"Yeah, let me show you how to hold a gun, honey."

If that is a Quentin Tarantino movie, then for sure.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your Honor, well, thank you for your assessment.

And you're making me think about the life of the dog,

any kind of pressure the dog might be feeling.

Right.

So thank you for adding that. I appreciate it.

No problem. Glad I tied it up to the Scooby-Doo stuff

I was doing earlier in my set. 'Cause you know,

you got to understand the mentality of dogs, you know?

Sure. Yeah, I...

Sure, Your Honor. Yes.

Just to give you another perspective on things, guys.

That's all.

Dropping a little knowledge here,

then I go back into my kennel. That's all.

Todd Montesi! Thank you, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay. The next judge that I would like to nominate

for the Supreme Court is Judge Benita Pearson.

[ Applause ]

I picked her for very specific reason --

because she is a huge animal lover.

Like, ahuge animal lover.

She teaches animal law at law schools sometimes.

She's also a vegan.

So a black female vegan, guys.

[ Laughter ]

Rare. Very rare.

Are you a vegan?

-No. -Are you a vegan?

I am definitely not a vegan.

So, she -- first of all, she's a unicorn.

But she's currently a federal judge in Ohio.

She was nominated by Obama.

She also is a huge athlete, like a marathon runner.

So she's an amazing woman.

And I think it's significant that she is an animal lover,

especially as we're discussing this particular law.

And one of her quotes -- I'm gonna butcher it

'cause I don't have it in front of me.

But she basically says is, the true test of a nation

is how it treats its animals.

So I really appreciated that,

and I think she would be an amazing addition

to the Supreme Court.

Judge Benita Pearson.

[ Applause ]

So, we will now have our final comic

who will be turning into a judge.

Please put your hands together for the lovely Kate Sisk!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi, everybody!

Oh, man. Good to be here, guys.

I recently made a big decision.

I decidednot to come out

at the preschool where I teach.

[ Laughter ]

Yeah, the kids are stupid. They cannot tell.

[ Laughter ]

Very stupid kids. Might be bad at my job.

I'm afraid if I come out to them directly,

they'll repeat it to their parents

and one of the parents will think I have a gay agenda.

Which, of course, I don't.

I like to think of myself as having a good person agenda.

Like, the first day of school this year, this kid reached up

and he palmed my chest and he goes...

[ Gasps ] "You've got boobs."

And I was like, "Listen, kid,

I'm just as surprised as you are."

[ Laughter ]

"But they aremy boobs, so please don't ever touch them."

And he was like, "Okay, never touch boobies."

And he's gay now.

[ Laughter ]

I identify as bisexual, but most people mistake me

for a full-blown lesbian, and, uh...

that's fair.

[ Laughter ]

That's for sure fair.

The thing is that straight women do things

that I would never do.

Straight women --

maybe you've seen 'em.

[ Laughter ]

They do this thing

where they wear their sneakers on their commute

and then they pull their high heels out of their bag.

Which I would never do, you know?

I wear my sneakers on my commute

and then I pull my work sneakers out of my bag.

[ Laughter and applause ]

And on the other hand, there are things that I do

that society would have you believe

straight women don't.

Like, according to society,

straight women don't sit with their knees apart.

Supposedly, straight woman

don't eat grapes that they dropped on the city street.

[ Laughter ]

Someone even tried to tell me --

and this one actually made me mad.

They said that straight women

don't bend over when they're home alone

and play their fat roles like a little "gee-tar."

[ Laughter ]

It's the patriarchy, you know? [ Chuckles ]

Thank you. [ Laughs ]

Guys, I got catcalled this morning

despite everything about me.

And I figured out the best way to react

to a catcall

is to repeat it.

Yeah, a guy comes at me,

he's like, "Hey, I want to tap that ass."

I'm like, "I want to tap that ass!"

[ Laughter ]

He will stop. Yeah.

And it's the simplest trick.

It's just the copycat game we've been playing

since we could talk.

But our dads were like, "Cut it out.

It's rude and annoying."

And we were like, "Cut it out. It's rude and annoying."

We got sent to our rooms and we stopped doing it.

Don't stop doing it. It's effective!

I got a weird one the other day.

I guess it wasn't technically a catcall,

but it was a direct comment on my body

by a cat! No. [ Laughs ]

It was by -- would you guess it? -- a man.

I was doing some sprints in the park in Brooklyn,

and this guy stopped me and he was like, "Great form.

You a power lifter?"

And that's an interesting question.

'Cause asking someone if they're a power lifter

is like saying, "Hey, are you an incredible athlete?

And also a little bit fat?"

[ Laughter ]

And to be fair, I am a little bit fat.

I know I'm a little bit fat 'cause once a day

I think someone's tapping me on the back,

but really it's just my back fat kissing itself.

[ Laughter ]

I didn't realize I was gaining weight.

I thought I was being haunted for two months.

I'd be like, "Aah! Who's there?"

[ Gasps ] "Who's there?"

It was me. I was there.

So this guy asked if I was a power lifter, and I told him,

"No, I'm actually a retired soccer player."

And he goes, "I knew it was something.

Those thighs tell a story!"

[ Laughter ]

I was like, "Well, this has taken a sexy turn, sir."

"Does the story my thighs are telling

end with them wrapped around your face?"

I don't know. I don't flirt well.

He was not flirting.

He gave me his business card

because he is a weight loss consultant.

Thank you! I was pissed off.

I was like, "Pick a lane, dude!"

Are you harassing me or are you training me?

Is this a Me Too or a "Rocky 2," you know?

[ Laughter ]

Something else about me --

I struggle with my gender identity.

People don't believe that,

'cause I don't wear a bow tie.

[ Laughter ]

I figured a good way to experiment with my gender

would be to perform as a drag king.

And the first thing I had to do was just buyso much makeup.

I was like, "Heck, yeah! Time to butch up!

All I got to do is...

l-learn how to contour?"

Had no idea the first step to becoming a man

is crying in a Sephora.

[ Laughter ]

Another part of my relationship to gender

is that I wish I had a dick.

I think every time I jerked a guy,

I was just trying to take what he had.

[ Laughter ]

Really yanked it! Yeah. [ Laughs ]

Tried to take it home like a prize.

[ Sighs ]

You don't have to be nervous.

[ Laughter ]

You can buy them in stores.

So I did. I bought myself a packer.

If you don't know, a packer is like a soft dick and balls.

It's like a sad dildo.

It's like a dildo that got bullied in school.

It's like a dildo that has a prescription for Zoloft.

And when I got this thing, I put it on,

and let me just say, as a feminist,

I'm strongly against dick pics.

I think unsolicited dick pics should be considered a crime.

To me, it's the same thing as being flashed on the street.

But I had this thing on for like five minutes

and I was like, "I mean...

It's not gonna take a picture of itself!"

So I did. I took a picture.

But I didn't send it to anyone.

And that's how I figured out that I'm not a man.

[ Laughter and applause ]

I'm just kidding. I still have no idea. [ Laughs ]

I've been getting this interesting question lately.

People have asked me, "Hey, do you really struggle

with your gender, or is it just for the jokes?"

Just for the jokes.

I'm always like, "Uh, sure, dude." [ Laughs ]

"It's just for the jokes, you know?"

I want to be on late night.

How else am I gonna commit toMiddle America

than to talk about what gender even is, you know?

And the follow-up is always the same.

It's like, "Well, I don't know. Diversity is in right now."

And first of all, diversity in comedy and entertainment

and art is not a phase.

It's a long-time-coming, concerted effort

involving a lot of people

to make our stories look more like our world.

And second of all, I'm not diverse.

'Cause at the end of the day,

I'm just another white guy talking about his dick.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you, guys! I'm Kate Sisk.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oww, oww!

Kate Sisk, everybody!

[ Applause continues ]

Thank you. Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

Do you solemnly swear or affirm that you will be

a funny and irreverent woke law judge?

I do.

Yeah!

[ Cheers and applause ]

So I'm like, I've gotten one judge correct

and one judge not correct on animal ownership.

Mm.

So, my feeling... Mm?

You own a dog.

No, I'm just gay.

[ Laughter ]

I'm wrong! I'm wrong!

I've never, ever had a dog,

but we want to get one next year.

Okay, okay. I could feel it.

Like, what I'm sensing is the longing. Yes.

So, have you ever owned a dog?

No, never. Okay.

I've never had a pet of any kind.

One time, we caught some fish and put them in a tank

for a couple hours and then we let them go.

Okay. Have you ever walked a dog?

Yes, but I haven't picked up the poop.

Okay. Now, I didn't leave it.

I just made someone else do it.

[ Laughter ] Fair, fair.

So you're not...I mean, I've never picked up poop either.

It's fine.

Have you ever stepped in poop?

Yes. Alright.

I've rolled in it.

Woman: What?! [ Sighs ]

Yeah -- what?

I was high school, making out in a field because...you know.

[ Laughs ] It sounds like a --

And I rolled in it. Anyway...

So I do feel strongly that people have to pick it up.

It can also really be bad for native species.

Yes, you're right.

It's really bad for the environment.

So, are you -- What's your feeling?

Can we see the laws, please?

Or do you also feel you need to have

an Alfred woman with a gun behind you?

I would, but I want to point out some specifics. Please.

I think the first one is wack

and the second one is woke.

Ohh! A nuance judge. Alright!

Yeah. Please give me more. Tell me why.

Well, so, the first one,

you know, you have to have the bag.

But I agree that you could use a hand or shirt

to avoid the fine, you know. Okay.

It also doesn't say that you actually have to, like,

put it in a receptacle the way the second one does. Ah.

Which reminded me of a story growing up in the suburbs.

[ Laughs ]

This one lady walked her dog, always bagged the poop,

always bagged the poop,

and dropped it

on her neighbor's yard.

Love! I mean, that's terrible.

Dropped it on her neighbor's yard

until this person just got so fed up

with the bags of poop on their yard

that they nailed it to their own fence

and put up a sign and said,

"Come get your poop."

Oh, my God. Where did you grow up?

In Massachusetts. Okay. Alright.

They're sturdy stuff out there.

So whoever that, like, mystery bag leaver was

had the plastic bags. Right.

But still a maniac. Fair.

I mean, I like to think that maybe this person

who was dropping the poop on the neighbor,

they had a grudge, you know? Maybe.

Yeah, like a vendetta or something. Yeah.

So I want to hear if there was a vendetta,

'cause if there was a vendetta...

I never really heard how it ended up. Okay.

But you think it should be lawful to hate --

Yes! [ Laughs ]

"Unless for the purposes of a vendetta."

We can do that here. We can -- we're judges.

We'll amend it? Is that how you do it?

Yeah. Absolutely.

So, you like the idea of it being...

of having to carry something?

Well, so, with the point that you could argue

that anything is something. [ Groaning ] Ohh.

Well, 'cause it.. 'Cause something...

Well, the important thing is picking up the poop.

Okay, here's the other thing about the --

I like the word, about the word "equipment" --

and my girlfriend would be so mad at me for bringing this up.

Is I've been working on this invention.

[ Giggles ] Okay?

Alright. Is everybody watching?

Okay. I've been working on this invention, right?

It's like a long stick.

And at the end of it is, like, a pouch,

and you hold it under your dog's butt

so that you never have to pick it up.

Right? I think that's great.

Thank you. But it's not a bag, so...

Okay, fair.

So now, legally, I'm just worried.

Everybody now knows your idea.

You can't take it.

And it's on TV. You can't take it!

So I just want you to protect your rights. Okay.

So, I mean, so it sounds like nobody agrees with me tonight.

'Cause you like the first one

and you don't like the second one. Correct.

'Cause of how specific it is.

I love the specificity

'cause I think it's impossible to arrest somebody

for not picking up dog poop.

I mean, you really do have to be watching the whole time,

and nobody does that. No.

I feel like it's a lot easier to arrest somebody...

They're not even arresting people. Whatever.

I want people to get arrested.

I think it's a lot easier to hand out citations

for something very clear that is not disputable.

Like, do you have a bag or not?

No? You're going down.

Mm. You're going downtown.

That's how I feel about it. Okay.

So... Alright, I'm strict.

I'll buy some bags before I get my dog that I really want.

Well, you're living in New York, and New York doesn't have

the same... Are there any...

Are thereany laws about dog poop here?

There are definitely laws.

and we can discuss with the judge.

Your Honor, do you know anything about.

Ortiz: There are, yes. Yeah. There are laws.

Right. But they --

It's a $250 fine.

Ooh, I love that!

So that's much higher than I thought,

because it's everywhere.

Yeah, but I mean... So, it's poop.

A lot of rich people in Manhattan.

Poop is everywhere.

And I don't feel like people are getting arrested

or citations or anything like that. Yeah.

And I want them to go down.

Well, okay.

You know how I feel. You know how I feel. I do.

And it's funny to me that neither one of us

have ever picked up dog poop.

[ Laughs ]

Let's shake clean hands on it.

Clean hands!

Kate Sisk, everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

That is our show. Thanks, you guys.

[ Applause ]

Now we can take a bow.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

STREAM HOUSE SEATS ON

  • ios
  • apple_tv
  • android
  • roku
  • firetv

FEATURED PROGRAMS

Variety Studio: Actors on Actors
Under a Minute
Theater Talk
Theater of The Mind Radio Drama
The Historic Attucks Theatre: Apollo of the South
Teleplays
State of the Arts
Stage Players
Shakespeare Uncovered
Open Studio with Jared Bowen
On Stage
MUSE
Mark Twain Prize
Little Country Theatre: 100 Years at NDSU
Light Falls