House Seats

S1 E16 | FULL EPISODE

Kutti Gang at The Tank

Hosted by Pooja Reddy & Zubi Ahmed, this South Asian comedy show celebrates the community. Kutti Gang is a powerful assembly of South Asian women gathering to tell jokes and tear into the ever-present problems in show business for women of color, while bringing joy to the community. Filmed at The Tank in New York City.

AIRED: August 26, 2020 | 0:29:09
ABOUT THE PROGRAM
TRANSCRIPT

♪♪

Man: We come over to stage right.

Man #2: Places everyone.

♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

I'm Zubi.

I'm Pooja.

And we are Kutti Gang.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ] Zubi and I created Kutti Gang

as a space for us to come

and celebrate South Asian culture.

And it doesn't matter who you are, what you are.

You can be... A woman,

gender non-conforming, queer, trans.

We want you here.

Whatever you are, whoever you are,

make this your fucking space, okay?

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah.

This show is for you guys,

and we really love you all so much

for coming back every time we do it and supporting us.

So, thank you, guys. Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Your first performer for tonight,

let's give a huge round of applause for my girl

and yours...

Kiran Jani. Jani.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

How we doing, babies?

Let's give it up for Pooja and Zubi

'cause they're doing a good job.

[ Cheers and applause ]

My favorite part of Kutti Gang is that it's a show just for us,

just for South Asians, just like hot Cheetos,

a snack, just for us.

We need a spicy little mix.

But honestly, shout out to all the white people here.

You guys are like little Styrofoam peanuts

in an oversized cardboard box.

"We're gonna ship you out."

The tables have turned.

Oh, speaking of white people,

you guys, I went to my first white-on-white wedding.

That's not the dress code.

It was the people, the participants.

It was a white person and a white person.

I've never been to a wedding where one person wasn't basey.

It was so short. I was in and I was out.

It was an hour and 15 minutes,

which is like standard time for like

mashis to interrogate about, like,

your spouse's educational background,

you know what I mean?

I was like, "You're kidding right?"

There is no way in an hour and 15 minutes

you know you want to be with this person.

Absolutely no way. It must be one week of hellish events,

one after the other.

Put yourself through torture.

Oh, my, goodness. Have you guys ever gone out

with, like, your white friends and you watch them meet people

and you're like, "You shouldn't do it this way.

It's so complicated. There are so many other factors.

You guys don't have parental stresses or like community

effecting your decisions?"

[ Laughter ]

"It's just you out there trying to find your one.

That's incredible, Elizabeth.

Stop putting your tongue around your straw like that."

[ Laughter ]

"Hi, what's your name? Robert?

Cool, cool, cool, cool. Please don't touch me.

Thank you. Have you met Elizabeth?"

Yeah, Elizabeth's like, "[Giggles ] Robert,

so, like, what do you do?"

I'm like, "Don't touch Robert. He smells like old trash."

Robert's like, "Sorry, I was biking all day."

Elizabeth's like, "I think Robert's the one."

You can't tell that already, Elizabeth.

What will your mother think?

Does she know about his educational background?

Is he becoming a PhD candidate?

Is he becoming a PhD candidate while you're fertile?

I don't know. Elizabeth.

Get your mouth out of your drink.

Look up, look alive.

People are wandering around this overpriced,

overrated Williamsburg bar.

You got to find out who, huh?

You look over at Elizabeth and she's just like,

"What about him?"

I'm like, "Don't." "Okay, but him?"

"Like, he's 50. He has gauges. Don't."

Elizabeth's like, "I like him."

I'm like, "Elizabeth, go ahead. Ruin your life."

"Fine." She's like, "Who are you gonna hang out with tonight?"

I'm like, "It doesn't matter.

I came here to hang out with you, you monster."

I'm looking at Elizabeth. She's like,

"Mm, mm, mm, mm."

I'm like, "This is not a priority for me."

I'm looking around like, "No, absolutely not."

Then you lock eyes with a hard maybe, huh?

He's a hard maybe and you're like, "Yeah.

I'll do this, but only 'cause Elizabeth's boring."

[ Laughter ]

But then societal pressure like hits you in the face

and you're like, "Oh, is this -- Could he be more than...

Could he be more than a maybe?"

And then something happens and your transformed

into a different land

and your brain kicks in and it's like,

[ Singing in Hindi ]

[ Laughter ]

And you're like, "No, no, no, no.

Not now, not now, not now."

But you're looking at this maybe and he's so gross

and he probably stinks and also has a bike.

And then your brain kicks in again.

[ Singing in Hindi ]

"If I appear from behind a tree,

is this guy gonna fall in love with me?"

[ Laughter ]

"No, no, no, no, no. Don't do this. Snap out of it.

Don't you dare, don't you dare."

Suddenly, we're on top of a mountain.

Yeah. My sari -- designer. That's right.

We're spinning in circles.

"I think his name is Greg.

And he's in love with me." Is he? Don't know.

He's nuzzling my neck

'cause this is a PG-13 montage daydream.

[ Laughter ]

"Oh, Greg, you might be the one.

Did you bike ride all the way up here?

What's that? Tandem bicycles?

And there's a little basket on the front for a little puppy?

[ Laughs ]

Have you seen my salwar kameez? It's also designer."

Then I snap back in. Here's Elizabeth at the bar.

"[ Giggles ] Hi."

She can't find her straw. She still can't find her straw.

I know it's little, but we shouldn't be using straws

in the first place. They're bad for the environment.

"[ Giggles ]

What's your name?"

It's Kyle. It's obviously Kyle.

He's wearing a shirt that has a Monster Energy logo

on it, Elizabeth. Snap out of it.

But then I snap back into it.

I'm in my dream land. Where am I?

The base of the pyramids of Giza.

Yeah. I'm rolling down a sand dune with this guy, okay?

My sari, again, designer, okay?

I'm rolling and I'm rolling and I'm laughing and I'm laughing.

I'm having such a good time.

Suddenly, an oasis, flowers, a little pond.

We dive in. We're swimming. We're laughing.

We're having such a good time.

I throw sand in his eyes. He's blinded. I call for help.

Don't worry. It's an Indian daydream montage.

Everyone around us is a doctor.

They come to us. "Who needs help?"

Boom, snap to the wedding.

"What? How did we get here?

We're covered in sindoor."

Jokes on you. It's Holi.

We're throwing pottery in each other's faces.

We're having so much fun. Blue, yellow, green.

I couldn't be having more fun. I'm spinning in circles

and I'm wearing a white designer sari.

There's a cord wrapped around my feet.

We're falling in love. Each moment is passing,

and it's years, it's months, it's days, it's hours.

It's actually minutes, it's actually seconds

and my mouth is hanging open in this bar.

Greg is no longer interested.

He has no feelings for me.

I go back into my own daydream. [ Chuckles ]

There I am, in Montreal.

I've got free healthcare and I'm by myself.

I remember my dreams of Greg.

Was he ever real? Did he ever exist?

Are the societal pressures like an open wound

that you're pouring salt into?

I don't need a man.

I knock Elizabeth's drink out of her hand.

She's like, "Hey, that was mine."

Obviously, Elizabeth. Obviously.

We're dancing, we're singing.

Greg comes along. So does guy in Monster Energy shirt.

I kick them both in the knees.

[ Laughter ]

What they don't understand is it was all a dream.

I'm still dreaming. My mouth is hanging open.

Drool is falling out of my mouth.

Elizabeth looks at me and she goes,

"I don't think we should be friends anymore."

I'm like, "Elizabeth, you're choosing the wrong guys, okay?

You see that guy? He has a label on his shirt

that says 'Hi, have you met Greg?'

Go meet Greg, Elizabeth. Greg's your guy."

I interrogate Greg.

"Greg, what do you do for a living?

Uh...that's cool. Do you have a bike, Greg?

Uuuhhh...that's cool.

Hey, Greg, um, how do you feel about entering a family

full of societal pressure?"

He's like, "Whoa, yeah, you have, like, a time limit,

like a bio clock?" "Greg, what's up?"

He's like, "I date a lot of Indian girls, actually.

That's so crazy.

My last girlfriend, she was like,

'We got to get engaged soon.'

And I was like, 'I don't know if I'm ready.'

You know what's crazy? I think I'm gonna go back to her.

I think I'm gonna call Priya."

I'm like, "Greg, what's happening?

Elizabeth's so into you."

He's like, "I got to call Priya. Yeah, I want a family.

I think we're gonna move to Canada," which is crazy

'cause I just dreamed that,

but now he's in love with another woman.

And I lost my chance.

Guys, dating is crazy.

When you have a crazy imagination,

you're meeting everyone and no one at the same time.

[ Laughter ]

Thank you guys so much. That was my set.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Alright, so we have an amazing comic coming to the stage.

Her name's Karmen Naidoo.

You have seen her on Comedy Central Africa, maybe.

Big fans? Who knows?

But put your hands together for Karmen Naidoo.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hi, friends. Hi. Hey. How's everyone doing?

Great? Yeah.

I'm from South Africa.

Yeah, yeah.

Land of oppression. It's great, yeah.

I'm not all the way brown, guys. I'm not all the way brown.

A little bit about my heritage. I am Indian, Scottish, and Zulu.

Yeah. Wow, right?

I'm just all third world struggle

with a touch of white privilege.

It's great. It's amazing. Loving it.

I like to describe myself, like,

if Indians were like Amazon,

I'd be like the Amazon Prime for Indians, you know?

Come with all the basic features and then some.

'Cause I walk around and people like --

especially the Caucasians here, they always, like, look at me

and they're like, "Oh, my gosh. She's so exotic.

Like, what is she? Is she, like, a lesbian?"

[ Laughter ]

'Cause they, like, think, like, brown girls can't be tall

and big, you know what I mean?

I mean, when I met Zu,

she was like, "Oh, you're so much taller in real life.

Oh, my God."

It just made me sound a bit like a freak and it's okay.

[ Laughter ]

It's fine, it's fine. South Africa, great news.

South African accent was just voted

like the sexiest accent in the world.

Do you guys know that?

[ Cheering ]

I know, right?

Don't get so excited. Not my accent, guys.

The oppressor, the accent,

the Afrikaans' oppressive white accent.

It's not mine.

It seems like people are into that kind of role play,

you know, 50 shades of Caucasian.

I don't judge. I don't judge. You know, it's fine.

For me personally, I wouldn't date a white person,

and I feel like moving to America,

they've, like, objectified me so much, you know,

'cause I look so different-ish,

and I just wouldn't, 'cause I'm afraid

that if I date a white guy,

he might just gentrify my booty.

[ Laughter ]

And I'm just not ready

to sign for reparations, you know what I mean?

Like, that's just a lot of admin,

you know what I mean?

Like, it's a lot of admin. Right, guys?

Moving to New York is like the worst decision of my life, guys.

[ Laughter ]

It's the most expensive downgrade you would ever do.

[ Laughter ]

You know, you pay $2,000 for a small room,

you share a toilet with 10 other people,

and God forbid it flushes, you know?

You're lucky if it does, right?

Like, all these rules in America.

I mean, at least in Africa, we just go outside. It's great.

[ Laughter ]

And the healthcare system.

The healthcare system sucks, right?

You're shaking your head. You're like,

"Yes, it does suck."

It sucks. Like, I moved here,

and I got a concussion.

Like, long story short -- America, food poisoning.

[ Laughter ]

I had food poisoning, I slipped on my vomit,

gashed my head on the wall, fell on the floor,

in and out of consciousness, blood, vomit, blood.

My poor, like, innocent American roommate

was like, "Oh, my God, what happened?

Like, this poor African girl. Like, what happened?"

And she was freaking out.

The only part I remember is, like,

'cause, like, it's like that point of life and death.

Like, at that moment, I actually saw my whole life.

The power of Vishnu came inside me

and I got up,

And I was like -- and I heard her on the 911 operator.

She didn't know how to say my name.

You know, Americans.

[ Laughter ]

And then she said, "I think she's 35."

And I was like, "No, I'm 30."

And so, a few days went past,

and she was like, "Oh, my God. That was so bizarre."

And I was like, "Yeah, food poisoning, right?"

And she was like, "No, like you corrected me on your age."

[ Laughter ]

And I was like, "Yeah,

I just didn't want to die at 35."

Like, if I was gonna die I wanted to die, like, 30.

They would be like -- you know, the aunties would be like,

"Oh, she still had a good few years in her, you know?"

But 35, they would have been like,

"She lived a full life," you know what I mean?

[ Laughter ]

Being single in America has been a difficult journey.

But it's fine,

because I have a grandmother that's looking out for me.

[ Laughter ]

When I go back home,

my gran always tries to do this thing

when I go back home, you know, set me up.

She was like, "Karmen, Karmen, sit, sit, sit."

I'm like, "Okay."

She's like, "This is Rajesh.

Never mind he's been married a couple of times,

but he's really rich, so what do you say?

Deal or no deal, hey?"

[ Laughter ]

I'm like, "It doesn't work like that.

It's not a game show, you know?"

She's tried to get fresh with me.

She was watching TV with my brother.

She says, "Karmen those rappers on TV are so rich.

You need to take that advice

those rappers give all those women."

I said, "What advice is that, Nani?"

She said, "You should pop your pussy."

[ Laughter ]

"Just get a couple of kittens."

[ Laughter ]

I want to thank you for your time.

Thank you for listening to my story.

I'm Karmen Naidoo.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Shh. Okay?

Pooja and Zubi don't know that we're here, okay?

So, be very quiet. But still laugh.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Prianti. Namaste.

I'm Shilanti. Salaam.

We made biodatas for Pooja and Zubi.

We just want to share and see

if you guys agree with this, okay?

We're such nice aunties.

We just want to get them married and they --

Well, tell us about the man that you found for Pooja.

Ah, yes, his name's Vikram, okay?

Round of applause for Vikram for Pooja. Yes.

His biodata says he has an H1B visa. He's here.

He has BTEC engineering first class.

Very good.

Shila?

What about for Zubi?

Oh, they all said no. Oh.

[ Speaks native language ]

So, I don't know if Zubi and Pooja

will be okay with us setting them up

because they're very independent women

and we appreciate that, okay?

But we see so many beautiful, beautiful faces.

So many nice people here.

Hi.

And we're wondering who wants to be set up tonight?

Do we have any hands here? Anyone?

Wow. What a sweetie.

Come up here. Come, come, come.

Come, come, come.

Who's coming now? Who's coming next?

Okay, yes, yes, yes.

She has the pin on. Wow.

[ Speaking Hindi ]

This is Sedika.

Sedika? Yeah.

[ Speaking Hindi ] Very nice name.

Huh? What's your name? Pavan. Wow.

Okay, please don't look at each other too much, okay?

Wow. Okay. Very fast boy.

[ Laughter ]

Eyes forward, please. This is good, this good measure.

Yes, very nice.

Yes, they can't really reach.

That's good. No touching on the stage, please.

Okay, thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay, we have some questions to ask.

Can you cook?

I can make dahl, pasta.

Okay, boss.

[ Laughter ]

Are you going to kill her? Eating carbs all day?

No veg? I didn't know if she was on keto.

Okay, but some vegetables nice, too, okay?

I'll add them in. Okay.

Do you like to sit around and watch TV all day?

Yeah, a lot. Very good, very good.

I like this girl. So nice.

So nice. And can you vacuum?

Yes.

Oh. Hoover?

Or Dyson? Do you have Hoover or Dyson?

Dyson.

Okay, very good. Okay that's good, that's good.

Do you have a nice job?

Dyson so expensive.

I manage.

What's your job?

Sharam, oh, my God. So much shyness. Wow. I love it.

Okay, here's an important question.

Drake or Migos?

[ Laughter ]

Ah...

Drake.

O.G. Drake. O.G. Drake.

O.G.? What does that mean?

"Take Care" Drake.

Ah.

I was thinking "Degrassi" Drake, but okay.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Good actor in that.

And what was your GPA in college?

3.5.

If your mummy was here, she would say 5.0, okay?

So honest. And what school did you go to?

Welsey College. Wow.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Okay. She's smart.

You have a job?

No. Good.

[ Laughter ]

Very good.

Don't get one.

Follow your passion, beta.

What do you like to do?

Comedy. Oh, okay.

Like our Zubi and Pooja?

Yeah. Hopefully you do better than them, okay?

Yeah. It's okay, it's okay.

She's gonna be better than them.

Okay, thank you so much for coming.

Like, did you like each other?

We just met.

Yeah, let's be slow.

Oh. I'll slide into her DMs

Hey, no sliding.

Cheek.

Get off the stage. No sliding here.

Go.

[ Applause ]

Man, I just got my ass beat. Thank you so much.

Shila Auntie, who was back there just whooping me.

I mean, what the hell was that? What did she tell you guys?

You know what? We'll talk about it later.

I was thinking about it, and I was like, you know,

I never got grounded as a kid.

But, like, one of the disciplines

that my parents would give me

was, like, they'd make me hold my ears and do squats.

[ Laughter ]

One of my friends told me that her parents would make her

hold up her arms until they were numb.

[ Laughter ]

And I was just like, "Who do these parents think they are?

Fucking Gillian Michaels? Like why are they..."

The white guy laughed 'cause he knows who Gillian Michaels is.

[ Laughter ]

Get them every time with that one.

Do you guys know who Elizabeth Lederer is?

No? Okay. I'll tell you who it is.

Yeah, that's what I came here for -- to spark up a riot.

Have you seen "When They See Us"?

No? Okay. [ Scoffs ]

So, "When They See Us" is a show about the Central Park Five.

Have you at least heard about the Central Park Five?

Yes. Okay. Thank you.

So, Elizabeth Lederer is the prosecutor

of the Central Park Five, okay?

So, I need you all to pull out your phones

and take down this e-mail address,

and we're all just going to be sending her hate mail

all summer.

Okay, it's -- I don't actually have it, I'm sorry.

No, I get it. Like, you know, a lot of liberals,

they're just like, "No, we need to be, like, you know, peaceful

and be kind and whatever." I'm like, "No, I want to fight.

Okay? Are we gonna start a riot or not?"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Brown people, be better allies.

How much more do I need to scream this?

Oh, my God.

So, our next performer coming up,

I think you know her. You might know her.

She was with me this whole night, okay?

Her name is Pooja Reddy.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Give it up for my co-host, Pooja Reddy!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Let me just do a quick poll.

Who in here is a child of immigrants?

[ Cheers and applause ] Okay, amazing.

Oh, we're a hand raising crowd. I love that.

My parents are Indian,

and they emigrated from India to Brooklyn,

where they had me.

But then very soon after I was born,

my dad got a job in rural Kentucky

and moved our entire family there,

and that is where I grew up.

Yeah.

Clap if you've also been personally victimized

by the location of your parents' green card sponsor.

[ Applause ]

Yes.

And I was the only South Asian person in my school

from K through 12, okay?

So, I was confused, as they say.

You know, outwardly I present as a city dwelling woman.

I'm kind of a... Yeah,

I'm like a "My body, my rights" chanting,

New Yorker subscribing,

NPR donating woman, okay?

But really on the inside, the voice in my head

sounds like a white man named Everett.

[ Laughter ]

And that is my truth, okay?

And like some white men, Everett chimes in too much.

Honestly, like most white men, come on.

Like, recently, my roommate called me, and she was like,

"Pooja, there's an exterminator here.

He says that we have a pest problem."

I hear that, but then Everett's like, "Pests?

What are they? What kind of pests?

Is it a raccoon? Or is it an opossum?

Now, if it's a raccoon you don't need no exterminator.

You just let the dogs out. They'll get him."

My roommate's like, "I'm sorry, have you seen our dog?

It's a Bichon Frise, okay?

And this is New York City.

We have roaches, not raccoons, sis.

[ Laughter ]

Does no one else live in the city?

Give me a round of applause if you live in the city.

[ Cheers and applause ] Okay, alright.

Okay. Okay.

I've been in New York for about a year now,

and I've met a lot of people who self-describe as witchy.

Are we familiar?

I feel right at home, though,

because my mom is very mystical and spiritual, alright?

My mom is Hindu and she loves to overuse the word auspicious.

[ Laughter ]

My mom recently met my partner for the first time,

and the first question that she asked him

was what his birthday was.

Yeah.

I was like, "Okay."

And then she started asking even more specific questions.

Like, "But where are you from?"

He answered the question and she's like, "No, actually

I need the exact longitude and latitude, okay?

Exact coordinates, please."

I'm over to the side like,

"Stop talking to her, okay?

Just absolutely don't answer her questions."

But he's obliging because he thinks that my mom

is a nice auntie, alright?

He thinks that my mom cares. and she does.

She's really lovely,

but my mom is a multi-dimensional person.

While she is a nice auntie,

she's a scheming auntie, alright?

She's not getting this information

so she can send you an Edible Arrangement, babe. No.

She's waiting for all of us to go to sleep

so she can bust her iPad open, get on her favorite application,

WhatsApp,

and send all this information

to our priest in India, okay?

So they can run some sort of

Hindu version of Microsoft Excel datasets and pivot tables

on our astrological compatibility, alright?

Wow. Well, look, thank you for letting me

get that off my chest. I appreciate that.

This was a very intimate talk.

I felt like I was giving a TED Talk, actually.

Okay, so we have one more performer coming to the stage

and she is so wonderful.

Her name is Rita Sengupta.

I would love for you guys to --

[ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, yes.

I would love for you guys to give her

a warm welcome, okay?

And yeah, give it up for Rita Sengupta.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Hello, everybody.

Give it up one more time for your hosts, Pooja, Zubi.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright. So, my name is Rita.

My real legal name is actually Amreta.

My parents, who were immigrants, probably like a lot of you guys,

they wanted me to go by Rita because they felt like it

was more palatable to the Western tongue.

It's kind of like they just took my name

and dunked it in a bunch of ranch.

You know, growing up with immigrant parents

it was a lot of fun, you know?

I liken growing up with immigrant parents

to growing up with the substitute teacher, you know?

You can kind of get anything by them

'cause they didn't grow up here,

so, you know it doesn't really matter.

In high school, my mom found my older brother's bag of weed

in his sock drawer.

He's smart.

[ Laughter ]

But he somehow convinced her

that his weed was loose leaf tea.

[ Laughter ]

And my mom, Pakistani woman, of course responds,

"Oh, I love tea.

Let's make some chi with it."

So, I don't want to brag or anything to you guys,

but I'm what we call a triple threat

in the entertainment industry.

That's right, I'm a woman, POC, and gay.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, thank you. That's right.

I only book jobs because of my minority identities,

not because of my talent, no big deal.

But I am the living nightmare of all white actors.

The world is pretty progressive nowadays,

but it is still pretty heteronormative, okay?

There is one experience that straight couples

will never get to share.

Even gay men -- they don't get to share this either, okay?

Every month, my girlfriend and I,

we share one emotionally disruptive,

unreasonably irritable,

hyper-depressive week that we get to share together.

That's right. We've got synced cycles, baby.

Oh, you know it. Sharing our periods every month.

Oh, man, that's like clicking renew

on a monthly subscription service for our relationship.

Oh, boy. I mean, if we can survive each other

at our worst selves, then, baby, we're golden.

You know it. Love is love is love.

So, the Pride parade is coming up in a couple of weeks.

Who's excited? Who's going?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Oh, that's what I like to hear. That's what I like to hear.

So, I went to my first New York Pride parade last year,

and it was so beautiful. It was so meaningful.

I loved standing next to my fellow

LGBTQ people

alongside our favorite banks, hotels, and airlines.

Nothing honors decades of hard fought civil rights

like a rainbow pop socket from Bank of America.

I've got to be honest with you guys.

I do feel like the parade aspect of Pride

was a concept originally created by gay men, okay?

I feel like if lesbians were in charge of creating

a Pride-related activity,

it would involve just a couple of gals

going on a hiking trip with their rescue dogs,

then coming home, cracking open a few beers,

and watching reruns of "Fixer Upper".

That's what I'll be doing in a couple of weeks,

in case you wanted to know. Spoiler alert.

So, when I came out to my dad,

I thought it was gonna be a breeze

because my whole life, he told me to never date boys.

[ Laughter ]

Growing up he was always like, "Rita, don't talk to boys.

Don't date boys. Also, don't rely on a man.

Don't let a man control you. Men are bad."

And I was like, "Okay,

I won't date boys, you man-hating feminist.

Geez, take a chill pill.

By the way your pussy hat's falling off.

You should fix that."

You know when religious folks say --

they're always like, "God doesn't make his children gay."

I'm always like, "Yeah, I agree with you.

My dad's ultra-feminist rhetoric made me gay."

So, because my skin color

is that perfect shade of mysterious,

people always want to know, "What is she?

Where is she from?"

And, you know, I actually really don't mind

when people ask me where I'm from.

You see, I like to ask them back,

"Well, where do you think I'm from?"

And then I create a list of all the countries

people say that I'm from.

It's my own cheaper version of doing 23andMe.

A girl's got to budget. A girl's got to budget. Thank you.

[ Applause ]

We live in woker times, though.

So, white people,

they don't straight up ask, "What are you?" anymore.

They've learned that's a no-no.

That still doesn't stop them

from wanting to solve my ethnicity mystery.

So, instead of asking the question, "What are you?",

they just tell me their answer and their reasoning.

It's there way of showing me that they've cracked the case.

One time this white chick came up to me

and was like, "You must be Indian

'cause of that red dot between your eyebrows."

And I was just like, "Bitch, this is a pimple.

I can't afford Accutane."

But white people, they're so polite, right?

They're so polite. They're so nice.

I love that about them.

They always want to reassure you that they get your culture

because of one random unrelated experience they've had.

One time, I was meeting this white guy.

His name was Doug.

And he was like, "Rita, you're Indian.

You know, I actually celebrated Holi

my spring semester at NYU."

I mean, after he told me that, I felt completely understood

and seen as a South Asian person.

Thank you for your service, Doug.

I think we can all agree that cultural appropriation is bad.

But white people, they take it to another level, alright?

Such as turning our holidays, like Holi,

into a fucking color run.

Not only do they take your culture

but they mix it with the worst parts

of their own culture -- running.

[ Applause ]

Alright, you guys have been so lovely.

Thank you so much for having me.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Alright, guys we are at the end of our show. Okay?

Can we get a round of applause for all of our performers?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Give it up for Kiran Jani.

Kiran.

Karmen Naidoo. Rita, Karmen.

Get out here, get out here. Rita Sengupta.

Thank you guys so much for coming

and spending your Saturday night with us.

It means a lot.

Bye.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

STREAM HOUSE SEATS ON

  • ios
  • apple_tv
  • android
  • roku
  • firetv

FEATURED PROGRAMS

Variety Studio: Actors on Actors
Under a Minute
Theater Talk
Theater of The Mind Radio Drama
The Historic Attucks Theatre: Apollo of the South
Teleplays
State of the Arts
Stage Players
Shakespeare Uncovered
Open Studio with Jared Bowen
On Stage
MUSE
Mark Twain Prize
Little Country Theatre: 100 Years at NDSU
Light Falls