BackStage With

FULL EPISODE

Tim Conway

Not only does Conway give viewers a glimpse behind the scenes of some of his most famous shows, he also tells side-splitting stories about the pranks he pulled in his personal life (including a tale in which, while wrapped up like a mummy, he gets pulled over by the police). He keeps the audience in stitches while revealing his favorite collaborations with other comedy greats.

AIRED: November 03, 2010 | 0:56:40
ABOUT THE PROGRAM
TRANSCRIPT

>> FUNDING FOR "BACKSTAGE WITH TIM CONWAY" IS PROVIDED BY

CUYAHOGA COUNTY RESIDENTS THROUGH CUYAHOGA ARTS & CULTURE,

THE GEORGE W. CODRINGTON CHARITABLE FOUNDATION, AND THE

OHIO ARTS COUNCIL.

>> WHEN I FIRST STABBED MY HAND, HE FINALLY GOES, OH, I GET IT

NOW.

WHICH HE EVENTUALLY WET HIS PANTS, I MIGHT ADD.

MS. WIGGINS, COULD YOU JUST -- HELLO?

>> HELLO, TIM?

HOW ARE YOU, THIS IS CARY GRANT.

I CALLED YOUR MOTHER A.

BROWN MOOSE.

I ENJOY LIFE, I REALLY DO.

>> HE GREW UP WANTING TO BE A JOCKEY, BUT HE WAS AFRAID OF

HORSES.

HE NEVER STUDIED ACTING, BUT HE WON SIX EMMYS AND A GOLDEN

GLOBE.

HE LOVES THE LIMELIGHT, BUT HE SHY.

HE'S KNOWN FOR CLASSIC HIS NAME MOVIES BUT IS AS CONTEMPORARY AS

"30 ROCK" AND "SPONGEBOB."

HE'S KNOWN FOR MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH, BUT OFTEN WHEN THEY ARE

NOT SUPPOSED TO.

WE KNOW HIM ASKED HIM, BUT HIS BIRTH NAME IS TOM.

PLEASE WELCOME THE LEGENDARY ACTOR AND WRITER AND COMEDIAN

TIM CONWAY.

[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]

>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD TO SEE ME, ISN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER] >> OH.

[LAUGHTER] HELLO, HOW ARE -- EVERYBODY?

GOOD?

OK.

YES.

>> MR. CONWAY SHOOK MY HAND AND SAID IT'S GOOD TO SEE ME, ISN'T

IT?

[LAUGHTER] >> I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO YOU

FOR YEARS, YOU KNOW, AS I TOLD YOU.

I GO TO BED AT NIGHT -- I CAN'T WATCH TELEVISION ANYMORE BECAUSE

-- IFFY -- BUT I JUST KEEP A NEAR PIECE AND I LISTEN TO YOU

GUYS ON SUNDAY AND THE WHOLE WEEKEND AND WHENEVER YOU ARE ON.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I KNOW YOU.

I NEVER CARED FOR YOU, BUT -- [LAUGHTER]

I DO FEEL I KNOW YOU.

>> WELL, TO KNOW ME IS NOT TO CARE FOR ME.

THAT'S TRUE.

>> ARE PEOPLE BORN FUNNY OR DO THEY MAKE THEMSELVES?

>> I GUESS I WAS DESTINED TO DO THIS.

PEOPLE HAVE OFTEN SAID WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WEREN'T

DOING THIS, THE ANSWER IS NOTHING BECAUSE I AM NOT CAPABLE

OF DOING ANYTHING ELSE.

THIS IS PRETTY MUCH IT.

BUT WHEN I WAS BAPTIZED, MY MOTHER WAS GREEK ORTHODOX

AND SHE WAS ROMANIAN.

I WAS BAPTIZED HERE IN CLEVELAND AND I HAD COLIC AFTER I WAS BORN

FOR ABOUT THREE MONTHS.

SO I WAS QUITE SIZABLE BY THE TIME I CAME TO BE BAPTIZED.

MOST KIDS ARE ABOUT -- BABIES ARE ABOUT TWO OR THREE WEEKS

OLD.

BUT IN A GREEK ORTHODOX CHURCH, THEY HAVE KIND OF LIKE A LITTLE

MANGER-TYPE THING.

THEY PUT THE BABY HERE AND THEY WALK AROUND THIS TABLE HOLDING

ONTO A SCARF WITH PRAYERS AND THINGS AND THEIR HEADS BOWED AND

EVERYTHING.

HAVING BEEN THREE MONTHS OLD, I WAS QUITE ACTIVE ON THIS LITTLE

BOX THAT THEY HAD ME IN.

SO WHEN THEY ALL STOPPED AND THEY LOOKED DOWN, I WAS GONE.

[LAUGHTER] AND MY DAD SAID, HE HAS RISEN.

[LAUGHTER] AND THE PRIEST SAID, NO, HE HAS

FALLEN.

[LAUGHTER] THEY LOOK FOR ME, FOUND MADE, SO

I GUESS I WAS REALLY ON A COURSE TO BE HUMOROUS.

>> MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH.

>> YEAH, EVERYBODY LEFT THERE SO WHY NOT HERE?

>> WERE YOUR PARENTS FUNNY?

>> MY PARENTS WERE VERY FUNNY.

THEY DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT THEY WERE.

THEY WERE SHARING AN IQ.

[LAUGHTER] THEY JUST DID HUMOROUS THINGS

THAT, YOU KNOW, THEY NEVER SAW THE HUMOR IN THEM.

FOR INSTANCE, MY DAD PUT IN A DOORBELL ONE TIME AND HE PUT IT

IN BACKWARDS SO THAT IT RANG ALL THE TIME EXCEPT WHEN YOU PRESS

THE DOORBELL.

AND I SAID TO HIM, DAD, I THINK THAT'S IN BACKWARDS.

AND HE SAID LEAVE IT ALONE.

HE WAS IRISH SO YOU COULDN'T TELL HIM ANYTHING.

SO WE HAD THIS DOORBELL THAT YOU WOULD SIT AT HOME AT NIGHT AND

YOU WOULD HEAR THIS [HUMMING] AND WHEN IT WOULD STOP, MY DAD

WOULD GO, I'LL GET IT.

[LAUGHTER] SO YOU GROW UP WITH THAT KIND OF

ATTITUDE AND I THINK YOU ARE BOUND TO FIND THE HUMOR IN THERE

SOMEWHERE.

MY SON MADE A CUCKOO CLOCK FOR MY GRANDMOTHER, ONE OF THOSE

LITTLE WOODEN THINGS YOU BUY FOR FIVE DOLLARS AND IT'S LIKE A

LITTLE SWISS HUT AND A LITTLE BIRD THING THERE AND A LITTLE

DOOR AND CANARY INSIDE AND THE CHAINS AND THE PINECONE AND

EVERYTHING.

AND IT WORKED.

MY MOTHER SAID HANG IT UPSTAIRS IN THE HALL.

SHE HAD IT UP THERE FOR ABOUT A WEEK AND THE CUCKOO AT NIGHT WAS

DRIVING HER NUTS.

SO SHE SAID TO MY DAD, STOP THE CUCKOO PART OF IT.

OK, SO INSTEAD OF JUST TYING THE CHAINS TOGETHER AND STOPPING THE

CLOCK FROM RUNNING, HE SCOTCH TAPED THE DOOR SHUT.

[LAUGHTER] SO NOW, ON THE HOUR, THE BIRD

WOULD COME UP TO THE DOOR AND [BOOM BOOM .

SO THEY WERE DOING "GOOD MORNING AMERICA" HERE IN CLEVELAND AND I

WAS DOING "MCHALE'S NAVY" AND I ASKED IF THEY WOULD COME UP TO

SHELL FALLS AND WALK AROUND TOWN WITH ME AND THEY SAID YES.

SO THEY WERE AT MY HOUSE AND I WAS TELLING THIS STORY ABOUT THE

CLOCK AND MY MOTHER IS SITTING THERE AND I TELL THE STORY AND I

SAID SO HE SCOTCH TAPED THE DOOR.

AND SHE SAID, YOU LIVE.

YOU JUST DO THOSE THINGS TO BE FUNNY.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I SAID, JUST A MINUTE HERE AND I TOOK THE CAMERA MAN AND SAID,

COME HERE, FOLLOW ME.

TAKE A PICTURE OF THAT CLOCK, RIGHT?

HE'S TAKING A PICTURE OF THE CLOCK.

I TAKE THE SCOTCH TAPE AND I OPEN UP AND HERE INSIDE IS THE

SUE BIRD -- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S BEEN THERE FOR A WEEK BANGING HIS HEAD ON THE DOOR.

SO THAT'S THE KIND OF SURROUNDINGS I LIVED WITH.

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU BE BUT A COMIC?

>> DID YOU MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH AT SCHOOL?

>> I WAS DYSLEXIC.

WAS?

STILL AM.

WHAT MADE TO READ SOMETHING FOR YOU?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

WHEN YOU HAD TO READ OUT LOUD, PEOPLE WERE GOING, WHAT IS HE

DOING?

I WOULD SEE WORDS THAT WEREN'T THERE AND PEOPLE STARTED

LAUGHING.

I THOUGHT THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO MAKE A LIVING.

I'LL JUST GO DOWNTOWN AND READ AND MAKE PEOPLE LAUGH.

[LAUGHTER] SO I KIND OF BECAME THE CLASS

CLOWN I THINK BECAUSE OF THE DYSLEXIA AND THE FACT THAT I WAS

VERY SMALL.

I ONLY WEIGHED COME EVEN WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL,

ABOUT 105 POUNDS.

THE COACH MADE ME A GUARD -- SHOWS YOU HIS INTELLIGENCE.

[LAUGHTER] >> A FOOTBALL TEAM GUARD?

>> YES.

>> NOT LIKE A SECURITY GUARD.

>> NOTHING WITH GUNS.

THERE WERE THREE PEOPLE WHO REALLY INFLUENCED MY LIFE.

COACH RALPH WAS A VERY, CAROL, AND A SHOP TEACHER NAMED NORMAN

FERRI.

IN THIS SMALL TOWN, EVERYONE IN TOWN CARED ABOUT YOU, NEW YOU,

AND HELP YOU GROW UP AND BECOME A GOOD CITIZEN.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THE STORY BUT IT

DOESN'T MATTER.

[LAUGHTER] IT'S TIME-CONSUMING.

THAT IS THE IMPORTANT THING.

I HAD YOUR ATTENTION.

[LAUGHTER] >> SO YOU LEARN YOU COULD MAKE

PEOPLE LAUGH.

BUT IT WAS ALMOST TO COVER UP SOME EMBARRASSMENT.

>> THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THAT.

NO, THAT'S TRUE, I GUESS I REALLY WAS THE CLASS CLOWN.

WHEN YOU ARE SMALL, YOU ARE EITHER FUNNY OR YOU GET HEAT UP

A LOT.

SO I GOT BEAT UP A LOT AND WAS FUNNY.

>> AND YOU STUDIED HOME ECONOMICS.

>> YES, MY MOTHER WAS A SEAMSTRESS.

SO JUST BY WATCHING HER MAKE SLIPCOVERS AND CLOTHES AND

THINGS LIKE THAT LEARNED TO SEW.

SO I MADE A LOT OF MY OWN CLOTHES.

I COULDN'T WEAR THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE SO REALLY -- THEY

DIDN'T FIT.

AND WHEN I WENT TO BOWLING GREEN STATE UNIVERSITY FOR 11 YEARS --

[LAUGHTER] HARD SCHOOL.

COME ON.

I KIND OF MINORED IN HOME EC BECAUSE I KNEW THAT.

I DIDN'T KNOW SPANISH OR LATIN OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BUT I

KNEW HOW TO SEW.

I WAS IN A CLASS WITH 30 GIRLS.

NOT BAD, HUH?

[LAUGHTER] PRETTY BRIGHT.

THEY HAD A FILM ONE-TIME ON WOMEN'S UNDERCLOTHING WHICH WHY

WAS -- WHICH I WAS NOT ALLOWED TO SEE.

NOW I EVEN WATCH MY WIFE GET DRESSED.

>> SO THE LEGEND OF THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW WAS THAT YOU WOULD

DO A RUN THROUGH AND YOU WOULD STICK TO THE SCRIPT.

AND THEN, WHEN YOU ARE DOING IT FOR REAL, YOU WOULD GO OFF THE

RESERVE.

>> NO SCRIPT.

I WAS A WRITER ON THE SHOW AND HARVEY KORMAN, WHO I TRULY MISS.

WE HAD A GREAT ASSOCIATION FOR CLOSE TO 50 YEARS.

WHEN I FIRST MET HARVEY, I HAD KNOWN CAROL FROM THE GARRY MOORE

SHOW IN NEW YORK IN WHICH SHE STARTED DOING VARIETY AND

HOLLYWOOD SHE ASKED ME TO DO A COUPLE OF SHOWS.

SO I DID ABOUT THREE THE FIRST YEAR.

AND THEN IT GOT TO BE FIVE AND THEN SEVEN.

THEY DID 33 SHOWS FOR A COMPLETE SEASON.

SHE SAID, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE A REGULAR ON THE SHOW AND DO ALL

33 SHOWS?

I SAID, WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP A WEAK OPENING CASE I DO A

MOVIE OR SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER] IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A PAWN OUT

TO DO IN A WEEK -- IT WOULD HAVE TO BE A PORNO TO DO IN A

WEEK.

[LAUGHTER] SHE SAID, ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN DO

32 SHOWS.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

I SAID CAN I DO YOUR SHOW?

[LAUGHTER] WITH CAROL'S SHOW, I WAS A

WRITER ON THE SHOW, TOO, AND I WOULD WRITE FOR HARVEY AND

MYSELF.

I WOULD WRITE THE OLD MAN SKETCHES.

HE WOULD LOOK AT IT AND MEMORIZE IT AND WE WOULD RUN THROUGH IT A

LOT.

WHEN WE WOULD DO IT, I WOULD NOT DO MY LINES.

I KNEW ALL MY LINES.

I COULD DO ANYTHING I WANTED.

SO I WOULD DO DIFFERENT LINES AND HE WOULD BE LOOKING FOR

TELEPROMPTERS GOING WHERE IS HE?

AND EVENTUALLY IT GOT TO BE TO THE POINT WHERE WE JUST HAD THAT

CONNECTION, KIND OF A JACK BENNY-GEORGE BURNS SAYING AND HE

WOULD FALL DOWN LAUGHING FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

VERY POOR PERFORMER, I MIGHT ADD.

SURPRISED HE LASTED AS LONG AS HE DID.

[LAUGHTER] I REALLY AM.

SO I GOT TO WHERE WE WOULD BREAK UP ON THE AIR ITSELF.

I NEVER LAUGHED, BUT HE DID A LOT.

THEY LEFT IT IN AND IT BECAME A PART OF THE SHOW.

CAROL LOVED IT.

>> THERE WAS A -- THERE GOES THAT TERRIBLE WORD AGAIN,

LEGENDARY SKETCH.

THE DENTIST.

>> YEAH.

>> I WONDER IF I CAN GET YOU TO RE-CREATE THAT FOR US.

THE PREMISE IS THE FIRST PATIENT THAT A YOUNG DENTIST HAS.

>> I WAS A DENTIST WHO IS TAKING A CORRESPONDENCE COURSE.

[LAUGHTER] HARVEY COMES IN TO GO TO THIS

REGULAR DENTIST.

HE IS NOT THERE SO I AM THERE STUDYING TO BE A DENTIST AND HE

SAID, WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY TOOTH BECAUSE

IT'S REALLY KILLING ME.

SO I SAID, OK.

NOW, I WROTE THE SKETCH -- THE FIRST PART OF THE SKETCH, IF YOU

HAVE EVER SEEN THE WHOLE THING, IT'S KIND OF IFFY.

IT REALLY WASN'T ALL THAT GOOD.

WHAT I WAS LOOKING TO DO WAS GET TO THE END OF IT WHERE I HAD

LAND TO IMMOBILIZE -- I HAD PLANNED TO IMMOBILIZE MYSELF

WITH THE NOVOCAINE NEEDLE.

[LAUGHTER] >> THERE WILL BE A LITTLE BIT OF

PAIN AND THEN NUMBNESS WILL SET IN.

>> AND I DID MY HAND, MY LEG AND MY HEAD.

BUT I NEVER SHOWED HARVEY THAT PART OF IT.

SO THE ONLY PART WE REHEARSED WAS THE FRONT PART.

AND HE SAID, YOU KNOW, THIS SKETCH REALLY STINKS.

I SAID, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM ALL GOOD.

HE SAID, THEY ARE NOT EVEN GOING TO DO THIS.

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

I SAID I HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING I AM GOING TO TRY AT THE END,

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S GOING TO WORK ON NOT.

HE SAID NOTHING IS GOING TO WORK.

AND ACTUALLY THE PRODUCER ALMOST SAID, YOU KNOW, WE ARE NOT GOING

TO DO THIS SKETCH BECAUSE NOTHING IS HAPPENING WITH IT.

I SAID, WELL, LET ME JUST TRY.

THEN I GOT TO THE PART WHERE I STUCK MY HAND WITH THE NOVOCAINE

AND THAT BECAME IMMOBILE.

THEN I STUCK MY LEG.

THEN I COULDN'T WALK.

THEN I STUCK MYSELF IN THE HEAD AND I COULDN'T TALK.

AND HARVEY IS JUST SITTING IN THIS CHAIR LAUGHING, WHICH HE

EVENTUALLY WET HIS PANTS, I MIGHT ADD.

[LAUGHTER] AND A CLASSIC ON THE SHOW.

SO YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN ON THAT SHOW, YOU

KNOW.

HE WAS QUITE SURPRISED TO SEE IT CAME OFF THAT WELL.

[LAUGHTER] WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

[LAUGHTER] AND WE USED TO PLAY THAT THING

-- HE WOULD COME OVER TO THE HOUSE AND HAVE A COUPLE OF

DRINKS AND WE WOULD PLAY THAT THING OVER AND OVER.

AND YOU CAN SEE IN THE TAPE THE FIRST PART HE IS KIND OF DO IN

THE LINES AND GOING, OH, BOY, WOW, I WONDER HOW MUCH LONGER

THIS IS GOING TO GO ON.

AND WHEN I FIRST STABBED MY HAND, HE FINALLY GOES, OH, I GET

IT, NOW I GET IT.

AND HE JUST SITS THERE AND LAUGHS THROUGH THE WHOLE THING.

THAT WAS ONE OF THE MONEY -- YEAH, I USED TO LOVE -- HARVEY

WAS PROBABLY ONE OF THE BRIGHTEST GUYS I KNEW.

HE WOULD DO THE NEW YORK TIMES CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN 10 MINUTES

IN INC..

-- IN INK.

BUT THE GUY COULDN'T TIE HIS OWN SHOES.

I WOULD PUT HIM ON FROM TIME TO TIME.

WE WERE COMING HOME ONE TIME FROM NEW YORK AND WE HAD TO STOP

IN ARKANSAS TO REFUEL BECAUSE THE PLANE WAS GOING AGAINST THE

WIND AND THEY NEEDED FUEL AND THEY LANDED.

SO WE ARE GOING BACK ONTO THE RUNWAY AND I SAID THE HARVEY,

YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK THEY PUT THAT GAS CAP BACK ON.

[LAUGHTER] HE SAID, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT?

I SAID, WELL, WE PULLED UP HERE AND THE GUY TO THE GAS CAP OFF

AND PUT IT ON THE WING AND NOW I DON'T SEE IT.

HE SAID, WELL, TELL THE PILOT.

I SAID, I DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.

[LAUGHTER] HE SAID, THAT'S STUPID.

OH, MY GOD.

I SAID, YOU GO TELL HIM.

SO STUPID HARVEY GOES -- [LAUGHTER]

KNOCKS ON THE DOOR AND THE PILOT SAYS, YES?

HARVEY SAYS, YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR GAS CAP ON.

[LAUGHTER] AND THE PILOT SAYS, WE DON'T

HAVE A GAS CAP.

[LAUGHTER] SO HARVEY IS GOING, YOU --

SAID HE WAS ANGRY FOR ABOUT A WEEK AFTER THAT ONE.

THAT WAS A LONG ONE.

>> ARE CERTAIN THINGS FUNNY, CERTAIN WORDS CLEVER OR WITTY,

OR ARE PEOPLE FUNNY?

>> I ENJOY BEING FUNNY AND KIND OF, NOT SHOCK VALUE, NOT

LANGUAGE WISE, BUT -- WELL, FOR INSTANCE, I WAS IN THE

DEPARTMENT STORE IN LOS ANGELES AND I WAS IN THE MEN'S

DEPARTMENT AND I WAS LEANING AGAINST THE COUNTER.

EVIDENTLY, A LADY THOUGHT THAT I WAS WORKING THERE.

SO SHE CAME UP TO ME AND SHE SAID, EXCUSE ME, WHERE IS YOUR

UNDERWEAR?

[LAUGHTER] SO I SHOWED HER.

[LAUGHTER] SO SHE CALLS THE STORE MANAGER

AND SAYS, HEY, THIS GUY -- I SAID, SHE ASKED ME WHERE MY

UNDERWEAR WAS.

I SHOWED HER.

[LAUGHTER] IT'S THINGS LIKE THAT, HARMLESS

THINGS THAT I THINK -- A LADY ASKED ME FOR AN AUTOGRAPH ONE

TIME SO I SIGNED IT AND SHE TAKES IT AND SHE GOES I CAN'T

READ THIS.

I SAID THAT'S KIND OF THE CHARM OF A NOT A GRAPH.

THAT IS MY -- OF AN AUTOGRAPH.

THAT IS MY SIGNATURE.

SHE SAID, NOBODY IS GOING TO BELIEVE ME.

I CAN'T READ IT.

I SAID, I TELL YOU WHAT.

GIVE ME THAT ONE BACK.

GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS AND I WILL GO HOME AND I WILL TYPE ONE.

[LAUGHTER] SO SHE GIVES ME MINE BACK.

SHE GIVES ME HER ADDRESS AND I TYPE ONE AND I SEND IT BACK TO

HER.

SHE'S PROBABLY AND, OH, LOOK AT THAT.

TIM CONWAY.

THAT TYPE OF HUMOR I REALLY ENJOYED.

[LAUGHTER] >> IT'S ALWAYS BEEN IMPORTANT TO

YOU TO WORK CLEAN, TO BE A FAMILY ENTERTAINER.

>> YES.

I NEVER HAVE -- WELL, IN MY PERSONAL LIFE, I SHOULD BE IN

LEAVENWORTH.

BUT FOR TELEVISION AND FOR AN AUDIENCE, YEAH, I AVOID ALL THE

LANGUAGE AND NUDITY AND VIOLENCE.

I HAVE ENOUGH OF THAT AT HOME.

[LAUGHTER] DON KNOTTS AND I USED TO TALK

ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.

>> YOU DID A NUMBER OF DISNEY FILMS.

>> YEAH, TOGETHER.

A NOT IN SCUMS TO SEE -- AN AUDIENCE COMES TO SEE WHAT THAT

CHARACTER IS IN PERSON AND YOU DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT THEM.

AND YOU DON'T WANT TO COME OUT SWEARING AND A BUNCH OF FOUL

LANGUAGE AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

SO YOU GIVE THEM WHAT THEY EXPECT AND THEN YOU DON'T HAVE

TO APOLOGIZE.

THEY ARE HAPPY AND EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FINE.

YEAH, I HAVE ALWAYS OPERATED IN THAT AREA.

I PASSED UP A LOT OF THINGS BECAUSE OF THAT.

BUT I FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH IT.

BUT AS I SAY, IN MY REAL LIFE, I SHOULD BE ARRESTED.

THERE'S NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

>> LET'S HAVE SOME QUESTIONS.

YES, MA'AM.

>> MY NAME IS COLLEEN.

>> BABE RUTH, 1933.

[LAUGHTER] IF THAT HAD BEEN THE QUESTION OR

THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.

>> VERY IMPRESSED.

MY QUESTION IS -- YOU DO A LOT OF TELEVISION IN FRONT OF LIVE

AUDIENCES AND YOU DO A LOT OF IMPROV, AND THAT TOGETHER LENDS

ITSELF TO MESSING UP AND, LIKE, STUFF.

WHAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN FRONT OF A LIVE

AUDIENCE THAT MAYBE DIDN'T MAKE IT TO TELEVISION BUT --

[LAUGHTER] >> WELL -- I THINK -- A LOT OF

THINGS HAPPEN WHILE YOU ARE SHOOTING.

THE FUNNIEST ONE THAT HAPPENED ON "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOWED"

DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME BUT IT HAPPENED TO CAROL.

SHE WAS SINGING A SONG AND THERE WAS A HORSE IN BACK OF HER IN

THE SCENE.

AND THE HORSE DECIDED THAT IT WAS TIME TO DO SOME BUSINESS

WHILE SHE WAS SINGING.

AND CAROL THOUGHT THE AUDIENCE WAS LAUGHING AT HER.

BUT IN REALITY, THE TRAINER CAME OUT WITH A BUCKET.

[LAUGHTER] AND THEY ARE LAUGHING LIKE CRAZY

AND CAROL THOUGHT THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST THING, THAT SHE WAS

BEING THAT HUMOROUS.

UNTIL SHE TURNED AROUND.

[LAUGHTER] YET, A LOT OF STRANGE THINGS

HAPPENED LIKE THAT.

>> HI, MY NAME IS OLIVIA.

>> I HOPE SO.

>> YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE DOING DIFFERENT KINDS

OF SHOWS, ALL OF WHICH HAD VARIOUS LEVELS OF SUCCESS.

I WAS WONDERING IF YOU HAD ANY OPINION ABOUT WHAT MAKES OR

BREAKS A SHOW OR ANY OPINION ABOUT WHAT INDICATES THAT A SHOW

COULD BE A GREAT SUCCESS.

>> WELL, I -- IT'S HARD TO SAY.

YOU KNOW, FOR INSTANCE, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND.

I LOVE THAT SHOW.

THAT CAST HAD SUCH, YOU KNOW, COHESIVENESS WITH ALL OF THOSE

PEOPLE ON THAT SHOW.

IT WAS LIKE THE BURNETT SHOW.

EVERYBODY WAS IN TUNE WITH EVERYBODY ELSE.

I THINK THAT'S IMPORTANT ON A SHOW.

I THINK THAT'S WHAT KIND OF WHAT MAKES A SHOW.

THEY HAVE WONDERFUL THINGS NOW.

CBS'S COMEDY NIGHT, WEDNESDAY, YEAH, I HAVE BEEN WATCHING CBS

FOR THE PAST EIGHT WEEKS ON COMEDY NIGHT AND HAVEN'T LAUGHED

YET?

[LAUGHTER] SO MAYBE -- MAYBE IT'S MISNAMED?

I DON'T KNOW?

MAYBE IT'S SERIOUS NIGHT OR SOMETHING?

[LAUGHTER] IT DEPENDS A LOT ON THE CAST, I

THINK?

>> HI, MY NAME IS FRANCIS?

>> GOOD.

YOU LOOK LIKE A FRANCIS?

>> MY QUESTION IS, FOR ASPIRING YOUNG COMEDIANS, WHAT SHOULD

THEY EXPECT OUT OF THE INDUSTRY NOW DAYS AND WHAT DOES THE

INDUSTRY EXPECT OUT OF THEM?

>> I WOULDN'T EXPECT MUCH OUT OF THE INDUSTRY.

[LAUGHTER] AS I SAID BEFORE, IF YOU ARE

INTENDING TO GO IN THAT DIRECTION, JUST DO AS MUCH AS

YOU CAN.

WHETHER IT IS IN THE LIVING ROOM, THEATER, WHATEVER YOU CAN

GET INTO, JUST KEEP DOING IT.

YOU WILL EVENTUALLY FIND THAT CHARACTER THAT YOU ARE LOOKING

FOR OR THAT SESSION IN THE BUSINESS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

SOMETIMES IT ISN'T EVEN IN THE ACTING PART.

A QB -- YOU KNOW, MY DAUGHTER IS IN WARDROBE DESIGNING.

MY SON IS IN RADIO.

SO THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT FACETS TO THE BUSINESS THAT ARE

JUST AS ENJOYABLE AS BEING ON CAMERA AND GUYS DON'T FOLLOW YOU

AROUND WITH A CAMERA.

>> THANK YOU.

>> OK.

>> HELLO, MY NAME IS CO RALICIA.

I SEE THAT YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF ANIMATED SHOWS.

I AM A BIG FAN OF "SPONGEBOB."

AS OPPOSED TO DOING ANIMATED AND THEN LIVE, HOW DIFFERENT IS THE

CASTING AND THE EXPERIENCE FOR YOU PERSONALLY?

>> THE EXPERIENCE IS GREAT BECAUSE YOU CAN GO IN YOUR

UNDERWEAR IF YOU WANTED TO AND IT DOESN'T MATTER.

NOBODY IS EVER GOING TO SEE YOU.

YOU GET AN OPPORTUNITY TO READ SOMETHING 10 TIMES IF YOU WANT

TO.

AND SOMETIMES THEY WILL TAKE THE FIRST TIME HE READ.

SO THAT IS PROBABLY THE EASIEST THING THAT YOU CAN ACTUALLY

ACQUIRE.

YOU GO IN.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET DRESSED.

YOU JUST DO WHAT YOU DO AND LEAVE.

>> HI, MY NAME IS JULIA.

NICE TO SEE YOU, MR. CONWAY.

I WANTED TO ASK YOU, HOW LONG DID YOU REHEARSE ONE SHOW FOR

"THE CURRENT -- "THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW.

"

AND DID YOU EVER COME IN AND SAY I GOT NOTHING.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET YOUR JUICES FLOWING?

>> ACTUALLY, I WOULD SAY REHEARSAL TIME FOR THE WEEK

WOULD MAYBE BE AT THE MOST FOUR HOURS.

EVERYBODY COULDN'T WAIT TO GET THERE MONDAY.

WE WERE IN SUCH TUNE WITH EACH OTHER.

EVERYBODY KNEW HAD THE OTHER PERSON PERFORMED AND ACTED AND

WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO SAY.

AS FAR AS WRITING, I ALWAYS THOUGHT OF JUST SOMETHING THAT

WAS -- THAT PEOPLE WERE FAMILIAR WITH, WHETHER IT WAS A CHARACTER

WALKING SLOWLY -- FOR INSTANCE, MEDICATION NOWADAYS HAS SAFETY

TOPS ON IT WHICH ARE GREAT.

IT PREVENTS CHILDREN FROM TAKING THE TOP OFF THE MEDICATION.

IT ALSO PREVENTS ADULTS FROM TAKING THE TOP OFF MEDICATION.

SO MANY ADULTS HAVE DIED WITH THE MEDICATION IN THEIR HAND --

[LAUGHTER] BECAUSE YOU CAN'T GET IT OFF,

YOU KNOW.

SO THEN WE WOULD WRITE A SKETCH ABOUT THAT.

>> TIM, MY NAME IS PETE.

I KNOW YOU MAY NOT CONSIDER YOURSELF A LEGEND, BUT YOU WERE

CERTAINLY A LEGEND AROUND OUR DINNER TABLE GROWING UP.

THE FATHER ALL OF HER STORIES FROM NEWMAN CLUB AT BOWLING

GREEN, SKIING, SAIL BOATING, MY MOTHER WAS THE BROWN MOOSE, I

THINK YOU CALLED HER.

>> THOUGH WHAT?

>> BROWN MOOSE.

>> I CALLED YOUR MOTHER A BROWN MOOSE.

[LAUGHTER] >> SHE WAS PROBABLY CALLED WORSE

ACTUALLY.

>> SURPRISED YOU EVEN SHOWED UP.

THAT'S A GREAT.

WE NEVER DATED, DID WE?

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

HI, DAD.

KNOW.

-- NO.

LAST NIGHT I FOUND A REGULAR AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE WHEN YOU

WERE HERE.

>> AND THE BROWN MOOSE CAME OVER?

>> YES.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

>> I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

>> AND SAY HELLO TO THE MOOSE FOR ALL THE MEMORIES.

>> OK, THANK YOU.

>> WE ASKED SOMEONE WHO WORKED WITH YOU ON THE CAROL BURNETT

SHOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO WORK WITH YOU AND ALL THE AD-LIBBING.

>> WE NEVER LOST IT ON PURPOSE.

NEVER.

WE ALL CONSIDERED OURSELVES REALLY THE CONSUMMATE BEING ABLE

TO KEEP OUR FACES STRAIGHT.

BUT I DARE ANYBODY WHEN CONWAY GOT ON A ROLL.

I USED TO BITE THE INSIDE OF MY CHEEK.

YEAH.

AND WHEN WE DID MISSES WIGGINS AND MR. TED BALL, YOU SAW MISSES

WIGGINS ALWAYS CHECKING OUT HER NAILS AND KIND OF WRITING HER

NAILS.

I WAS BITING MY FINGERS TO KEEP FROM LAUGHING BECAUSE MRS.

WIGGINS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

>> THAT WAS CAROL BURNETT, OBVIOUSLY.

>> VERY POOR PERFORMER, TOO, I MIGHT ADD.

[LAUGHTER] >> MR. TUDVALL AND MRS.

WIGGENS.

>> THAT CAME FROM A SITUATION ON THE SHOW WHERE WE HAD FIVE

WRITERS IN ONE ROOM BUT IT WAS DOWN AT THE END OF THE HALL.

IN THOSE DAYS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE WIDE-OUT AND ALL THAT STUFF.

WHEN YOU MADE A MISTAKE, YOU HAD TO GO TO THE END OF THE HALL TO

THE SECRETARY -- WE CALLED HER MRS. WIGGINS?

ACTUALLY, SHE TURNED OUT TO BE MY WIFE?

>> YOU ENDED UP MARRYING MRS.

WIGGINS.

>> YES, SHE WAS CAROL SECRETARY.

I SAID WHY DON'T WE JUST PUT AN INTERCOM IN THERE SO YOU CAN

TALK AND YOU WOULD HAVE TO TAKE THE THING ALL THE WAY DOWN

THERE?

AND IT WAS A ONE-BUT IN OPERATION.

THEY HAD ONE BUTTON AND IT SAID TALK.

WHEN YOU TALK, YOU PRESS IT.

IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK, YOU JUST LET GO OF IT.

SO WE ARE TRYING IT OUT.

I'M TRYING TO TALK TO HER DOWN AT THE END OF THE HALL.

I SAID, MS. WIGGINS, COULD YOU --

AND SHE WOULD GO, HELLO?

MISSES WIGGINS, COULD YOU JUST HELLO?

MISSES WIGGINS, DON'T TALK -- HELLO?

SO I WRITE THIS SKETCH ABOUT THE INTERCOM AND THAT BECAME THE

WIGGINS AND TUDVALL SKETCH.

THEN SHE BECAME MY SECRETARY.

>> COULD YOU COME IN HERE NOW?

>> HELLO?

[LAUGHTER] >> I WOULD LIKE TO DIG IT THAT

LETTER TO YOU NOW -- >> HELLO?

>> COME RIGHT IN YOUR -- >> HELLO, HELLO, HELLO?

>> I'M GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU ONE MORE TIME.

YOU WATCH REAL GOOD HERE.

HELLO, MRS. WIGGINS, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M DOING REAL GOOD, HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?

NOT TOO BAD, BUT MY KNEE HURTS?

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME AND SOAK IT?

I MIGHT DO THAT LATER.

YOU SEE HOW THAT WORKS LIKE THAT?

>> CAN I GET YOU TO TELL US THE CARY GRANT STORY?

YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH CARY GRANT.

>> CARY GRANT CALLED ONE DAY TO INVITE HARVEY KORMAN AND I TO GO

TO LUNCH WITH HIM TO HOLLYWOOD PARK, THE RACETRACK.

SO I GET THIS CALL -- HELLO, TIM, HOW ARE YOU?

THIS IS CARRIE GRANT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS RICH LITTLE.

[LAUGHTER] SO I SAID, THAT'S REALLY GOOD.

THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

HISSES, NO, I GET THAT ALL THE TIME.

SO HE ASKS HARVEY AND I TO GO TO THE TRACK WITH HIM.

I SAY, HARVEY, THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.

SO WE GO TO THE TRACK WITH HIM.

WE ARE SITTING WITH CARY GRANT, WHILE, BOY, AND HE'S GOT MUSTARD

ON HIS TIE.

ABOUT A WEEK LATER, HE CALLS UP -- HEY, TIM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

GO TO LUNCH AGAIN?

WILL GO TO THE TRACK WITH YOU AND THAT HARVEY BOY.

SURE, WHY NOT?

THIS HAPPENS ABOUT THREE TIMES.

ON THE FOURTH TIME, I'M GOING, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY TO

CARY GRANT.

SO THE PHONE RINGS AND MY WIFE SAYS IT'S CARY GRANT.

TELL HIM I'M NOT HOME.

[LAUGHTER] >> THOSE WERE PERFORMANCES.

>> YEAH.

THAT WAS THE NICE THING ABOUT THIS.

I THINK I HAVE MET WITH EVERYBODY I EVER SAW ON FILM OR

WANTED TO WORK WITH.

>> ARE YOU COMFORTABLE ON STAGE WHEN YOU ARE PERFORMING?

>> I MAKE A GOOD LIVING.

[LAUGHTER] YES, I AM.

I USED TO GET KIND OF QUEASY BEFORE A SHOW.

I DID THROW UP ONE TIME BEFORE THE SHOW.

>> YOU THREW UP UNDERWOOD CUR -- ON DURWOOD KIRBY?

>> YEAH.

I GUESS I SHOWED HIM.

YEAH, NO, I'M VERY COMFORTABLE.

I LOVE PEOPLE.

ONCE YOU MAKE AN ASSOCIATION WITH THE CHARACTER THAT YOU ARE

AND WHAT YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT YOU AND TO BE FOR THEM, I

THINK THAT MAKES YOU QUITE COMFORTABLE.

CONSEQUENTLY, I DID SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE JUST IN THIS

ROOM.

>> YOU HAVE HAD A FEW SHOWS CANCELED.

>> MANY CANCELED.

MY ORIGINAL LICENSE PLATE, MY PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATE, WAS

13 WEEKS BECAUSE THAT IS HOW LONG MY SHOWS WOULD LAST.

[LAUGHTER] THEN I GOT ONE FOR SIX WEEKS

BECAUSE WE WERE BEING CUT DOWN TO SIX WEEKS.

YEAH, I HAD PROBABLY ABOUT FIVE OR SIX SHOWS OF MY OWN.

BUT I WAS NEVER COMFORTABLE WITH MY OWN SHOW.

I LOVE CAROL BURNETT BECAUSE YOU ARE THE SECOND BANANA.

YOU COME IN, YOU GET THE FUNNY COSTUME, YOU DO YOUR THING AND

YOU GET TO GO HOME.

SHE COULD GO HOME AND THINK ABOUT BOOKS AND EXPENSE AND

EVERYTHING.

THAT NEVER APPEALED TO ME.

YOU'VE GOT TO DO MORE AS A CASUAL SECOND BANANA TYPE THING.

>> HAVE YOU EVER WANTED TO PLAY OR BEEN OFFERED PAYROLL

ROMANTICALLY?

>> I'VE KISSED A COUPLE OF GIRLS BUT IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN

COMEDICALLY.

ALMOST KISSING.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

I DON'T THINK ON THE ROMANTIC LEAD TYPE.

I HAVE ONLY PLAYED A COUPLE OF SERIOUS ROLES.

ONE WAS "30 ROCK" AND TINA FEY CALLED AND SAID WE WANTED TO DO

THIS THING ON "30 ROCK."

I SAID, YOU KNOW, TINA, THERE IS NOTHING HERE FOR ME.

THIS IS A SERIOUS ROLE.

IF YOU WANT ME TO DO A CHARACTER WITH IT --

NO, JUST DO IT THE WAY IT IS.

I SAID, PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO KNOW WHY --

SO I DID AND I WON AN EMMY.

WHICH WILL GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF HOW MUCH I KNOW ABOUT THE

BUSINESS.

THAN I JUST DID THE "CSI" WHICH WAS KIND OF SERIOUS AND THAT

TURNED OUT OK, TOO.

I THINK COMEDY IS PROBABLY -- TOM HANKS, AS I SAW YOUR

INTERVIEW WITH HIM, COMEDY IS TOUGHER THAN DRAMATICS.

YOU REALLY HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THE DRAMATIC AND THEN MAKE FUN

OF IT AND THEN ALLOW PEOPLE TO SEE THE COMEDY IN TRAGEDY.

SO IT'S KIND OF TOUGH.

IT REALLY IS.

>> DID YOUR PARENTS THINK YOU ARE FUNNY?

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

MY MOTHER WROTE ME A SEVEN-PAGE LETTER ONE TIME WITH NO

PUNCTUATION IN AN SAYING WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT ON TELEVISION?

>> WHAT WAS THE THAT?

>> THEY WERE FUNNY.

WE HAD A SHOW CALLED "TURN ON."

INCIDENTALLY, CANCELED HERE IN CLEVELAND WHILE IT WAS ON?

[LAUGHTER] THEY HAD A PREMIERE PARTY OUT IN

CALIFORNIA AND IT WAS BEING CANCELED ACROSS THE COUNTRY?

SO BY THE TIME IT GOT TO CALIFORNIA.

-- BY THE TIME HE GOT TO CALIFORNIA, IT WAS CANCELED

WHILE IT WAS ON.

VERY ECONOMICAL FOR THE FOLKS.

[LAUGHTER] THEY DIDN'T CARE FOR THAT'S A

MUCH.

MY MOTHER AND FATHER WERE SHARING AN IQ, SO THEY REALLY --

THEY GOT HUMOR.

THEY WERE VERY FUNNY.

BUT THEY DIDN'T SEE REALLY -- MY MOTHER WENT TO THE HARDWARE ONE

TIME AND THEN WROTE ME A LETTER.

SHE SAID, YOU KNOW, ONE OF THE PEOPLE ARE LEAVING AND HE IS

GOING TO HIRE A NEW GUY.

>> YOU ARE OUT IN HOLLYWOOD AT THE TIME?

>> I WAS DOING "MCHALE'S NAVY" FOR THREE YEARS.

I SAID, YEAH, SO?

SHE SAID, YOU KNOW THE SHOP.

WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN AND APPLY FOR IT?

[LAUGHTER] I SAID, HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING

TELEVISION LATELY?

SHE SAID, I KNOW.

THAT CRAP IS NEVER GOING TO LAST.

SO YOU SHOULD GO DOWN AND SEE IF YOU CAN GET THAT JOB.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.

[LAUGHTER] THE HARDWARE IS STILL THERE

INCIDENTALLY.

THEY ARE NOT CANCELED.

THEY ARE STILL THERE.

>> WHAT IS THE BEST PIECE OF ADVICE YOU EVER GOT?

>> WELL, SOME OF THE ADVICE I GAVE MYSELF WAS NEVER TO READ

ANOTHER REVIEW.

I GOT ONE IN 1962 THAT SAID TIM CONWAY HAS MADE THE SAME

IMPRESSION AND SHOWS BUSINESS AS THE SUPER CHIEF GOING THROUGH

ELKHART.

SO I DECIDED NEVER TO READ ANOTHER REVIEW.

I NEVER READ ANYTHING ABOUT ME SINCE 1962.

THERE IS ALWAYS ONE LINE IN THERE THAT REALLY -- AND THEY

GET YOU.

WHAT WAS THE QUESTION AGAIN?

I'M SORRY.

>> BEST ADVICE.

>> IF YOU ARE GOING TO GET IN SHOW BUSINESS AND YOU WANT TO BE

IN SHOW BUSINESS, JUST BE PREPARED.

YOU ARE GOING TO GET ONE CHANCE AT IT, MAYBE, IF YOU'RE LUCKY.

YOU ARE GOING TO GET ONE SHOT.

BE READY AT THAT TIME TO DO WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST THAT YOU DO AT

THAT TIME WITH SINGING, DANCING, WHATEVER.

YOU BE THE BEST THAT DAY OF ALL THE OTHER PEOPLE AND YOU WILL

EVENTUALLY GET INTO THE BUSINESS.

>> I KNOW YOU DON'T READ YOUR OWN REVIEWS.

BUT YOU PROBABLY HEARD THAT EVERY TIME THERE IS A REFERENCE

TO YOU -- I JUST READ A WHOLE SHEET OF MATERIAL.

>> REALLY?

>> THAT WORD "LEGEND" COMES IN TO PLAY.

>> YEAH.

>> AND IT IS NEVER FOR WHAT MAKES IT ON THE AIR.

>> YEAH, WELL, I AM A DISNEY LEGEND.

YOU GET A CARD FROM DISNEY -- ANYBODY WHO HAS EVER DONE

ANYTHING, DICK VAN DYKE AND DONALD DUCK, THEY MAKE YOU A

LEGEND.

EVERY YEAR, THEY COME OUT AND PICKED SIX PEOPLE FROM THE YEAR

AND WHAT NOT.

DON KNOTTS AND I WERE PICKED FOR THE SAME YEAR.

SO THEY GIVE YOU A CARD.

IF YOU EVER WANT TO GO TO DISNEY, YOU CAN TAKE THIS CARD

AND GO TO THE HEAD OF THE LINE.

SO IF YOU EVER WANT TO GO OUT -- AND YOU GO, OH, LEGEND.

BUT I ALWAYS TOOK MY KIDS.

MY KIDS, SIX VERY ANNOYING KIDS THAT I HAVE, AND A STEPDAUGHTER,

SO I HAVE A TOTAL OF SEVEN, WHENEVER WE GO TO DISNEY, THEY

ALWAYS -- I ALWAYS MAKE OUR KIDS STAND IN LINE AND THEY GO, SHOW

THEM THE CARD SO WE CAN GO TO THE --

I SAID, NO, WE ARE GOING WITH THE REST OF THE PEOPLE.

SO WE ARE ALWAYS STANDING IN LINE AND TAKE IT.

I TOOK MY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER TO DISNEYLAND FOR

THE FIRST TIME AND I HAD THIS CARD AND I SHOWED HER AND I

SAID, YOU KNOW, WE COULD -- SOMEBODY WILL TAKE US AROUND OR

WE COULD GO TO THE HEAD OF LINE.

SO WERE STANDING IN LINE AND SHE IS STANDING IN LINE AND SHE SAYS

QUIETLY GOING UP THERE?

I SAID JUST STAND IN LINE?

EVERYBODY ELSE'S STANDING IN LINE.

SO SHE GETS OUT OF THE LINE AND SHE GOES TO THE GUY AND SAYS,

HEY, LEGEND!

[LAUGHTER] >> WHY WAS IT IMPORTANT THAT YOU

AT LEAST GO THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF STANDING IN LINE?

>> I THINK IT WAS A LESSON TO MY KIDS.

WE USED TO GO TO THE HOCKEY GAMES AND THERE WERE LONG LINES

TO THE TICKETS AND THEY WOULD DO THE SAME THING.

BECAUSE I GUY WOULD GO -- NO.

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN THE BUSINESS DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANY

MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYBODY ELSE.

SO, YOU KNOW, SHUT UP AND STAND IN LINE.

THIS IS THE WAY YOU LEARN, I THINK.

AND MY KIDS DO THE SAME THING.

THEY STILL STAND IN LINE.

THAT'S STUPID.

[LAUGHTER] >> WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE ON

"SPONGEBOB."

>> I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS ON "SPONGEBOB" UNTIL MY

GRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME.

YOU GO IN AND YOU DO THESE CARD 10 THINGS AND IT TAKES THEM A

YEAR TO PUT IT TOGETHER.

SO I WENT IN AND DID BARNACLE BOY WITH ERNIE BORGNINE AND HE

WAS SOME KIND OF HERO OR SOMETHING WHEN WE READ THESE

THINGS AND IT WAS ON "SPONGEBOB."

A YEAR LATER, THE CARTOON COMES OUT AND MY GRANDDAUGHTER SAID TO

MY YOU KNOW, I INC. YOU ARE ON THAT CARTOON.

REALLY?

SO I WATCHED IT AND I WAS.

>> YEAH, YOU ARE BARNACLE BOY.

>> I'M VERY PROUD OF THAT.

>> YOU WERE KIND ENOUGH -- >> SHE RECOGNIZED THE VOICE.

YEAH, IT'S FUN.

THE THINGS YOU GET TO DO IN SHOW BUSINESS ARE AMAZING.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET TO WRITE A HORSE.

YOU GET TO DRESS LIKE THE COWBOY OR -- YOU KNOW, THE FIRST TIME D

ON AND I WERE DOING -- I GUESS IT WAS "THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG"

AND DON WAS TALKING TO ME ABOUT GETTING DRESSED IN THE MORNING.

HE'D SAY, TIM, IT'S SO BANKROLLED IN THAT DRESSING ROOM

-- IF SO DANG COLD IN THAT DRESSING ROOM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND THEY DON'T HAVE ANY HEATERS IN THERE

ARE ANYTHING.

SO WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE TWO DANCE HALL DANDIES.

SO WE HAVE THESE COSTUMES ON.

I HAVE THIS SKIRT ON AND MESH HOUSE.

-- MESH HOSE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THESE TWO WOMEN IN A BAR.

HE SAYS, I CAN'T GO OUT THERE AND GET DRESSED IN THAT DRESSED

IN THEIR.

EYES SAID, WELL, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE THE GUY BRING THE WARDROBE

TO THE ROOM AND YOU CAN GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING AND HAVE

THEM PUT ALL THE MAKEUP ON AND YOU WILL BE IN THE HEAT OF THE

ROOM?

BECAUSE I WAS JOTTING HIM BACK AND FORTH TO WORK.

I SAID I'LL DRIVE YOU TO WORK.

OK.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

[LAUGHTER] THEY BRING ALL THE STUFF THERE?

HE GETS JUST IN THE MORNING, PUTS ON THE MAKEUP, THE HAIR,

EVERYTHING?

HE COMES OUT OF THE HOTEL?

I'VE GOT THE CAR AND I GOT THE HEATER ON AND EVERYTHING?

THIS IS REALLY GREAT?

THIS IS GOING TO SETTLE THE WHOLE THING?

SO WE DO IT FOR ABOUT THREE DAYS AND GOING BACK AND FORTH?

NOW WE ARE SHOOTING IN STOCKTON IN CALIFORNIA WHERE REAL COWBOYS

LIVE?

I MEAN THESE GUYS ARE -- COWBOYS?

THEY ARE ROUGH BOYS?

SO WE ARE SHOOTING AND, ONE DAY, WE COME HOME AND, RATHER THAN

MIKE GOING TO THE HOTEL WITH DON , I SAY DON, I'M GOING TO GO

ACROSS THE STREET AND GET A BEER.

SO STILL JUST LIKE THIS, HE GOES INTO THE MOTEL.

I'M IN THE BAR WITH THESE COWBOYS HAVING A BEER, SITTING

THERE AT THE BAR.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, I LOOK UP AND HERE COMES DON STILL DRESS LIKE

THIS WOMAN.

SO I'M GOING -- YOU KNOW, HE'S GOT THE HAIR, THE DRESS, THE

WHOLE THING.

HE COMES OVER TO ME AND HE SAYS, SAY, TIM, YOU GOT THE KEY TO

THAT ROOM?

[LAUGHTER] NOW THESE COWBOYS ARE LOOKING AT

ME LIKE -- SO I SAID TO DON, THAT YOU THINK

WE OUGHT TO TALK ABOUT PRICE FIRST?

[LAUGHTER] WE ARE LUCKY WE ARE ALIVE.

OR HE IS ALIVE.

>> I NOTICED YOU USED A WORD WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT BEING ON SET

AND WRITING A HORSE AND BEING DRESSED AS A COWBOY.

YOU REFER TO IT AS WORK AMONG GOING TO WORK.

>> YEAH, STRANGE AS IT MAY SEEM, IT IS.

IS.

-- IT IS.

WELL, YEAH, IT IS WORK THAT YOU CAN'T WAIT TO GET THERE.

YOU KNOW, WE WERE DOING UP A QUOTE WORLD'S GREATEST ATHLETE"

AND THEY HAD A TIGER, A BANGLE MAN EATING TIGER ON THE SHOW.

AND THERE IS A REASON THEY CALL HIM A MAN-EATING TIGER, BECAUSE

HE WILL EAT A MAN IF HE HAS AN OPPORTUNITY.

AND HIS HUGE HEAD, YOU KNOW.

SO THE BENGAL TIGER WAS TRAINED SO THAT, IF ANYONE WAS RUNNING,

THEY WOULD LET HIM GO AND HE WOULD ATTACK THAT PERSON, PUT

THEM DOWN AND GO TO THE THROAT.

THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS TRAINED FOR.

SO IT WAS KIND OF FUN TO SAY TO A GUY, LISTEN, COULD YOU RUN

OVER THERE AND GET ME -- [LAUGHTER]

A BOTTLE OF WATER?

SURE.

AND THE GUY WOULD START RUNNING.

THEY WOULD LET THE TIGER GO.

YOU TALK ABOUT GUYS, WHOA, GOING CRAZY.

I WAS WITH JOHN AMOS AND WE WERE TAKING A PICTURE.

IF YOU MOVE RAPIDLY IN THE SHOT, THIS TIGER, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS

IN THE SCENE, WOULD COME AT YOU.

SO WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SITTING AT A DESK AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO

BE GOING TO THE AIRPORT TO STOP WHATEVER IS GOING ON AND WE HAVE

TO TAKE THE TIGER WITH US.

SO JOHN AMOS SAYS, OK, NOW, WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THE AIRPORT.

WE GOT AGO RIGHT NOW.

NORMALLY, YOU HAVE TO JUMP UP AND RUN TO WHERE WE ARE GOING.

BUT WE BOTH KNOW THAT, IF WE DO THAT, THIS TIGER IS GOING TO

ATTACK US BECAUSE HE HAS DONE IT ALREADY.

SO JOHN SAYS, ALL RIGHT, WE GOT TO GET TO THE AIRPORT.

COME ON, LET'S GO.

[LAUGHTER] AND IF YOU LOOK IN THE MOVIE,

YOU WILL SEE US WALKING OUT LIKE THAT.

>> YOU HAVE DINNER WITH A GROUP OF FRIENDS ON TUESDAY NIGHTS.

>> YES, BOB NEWHART, DON RICKLES, AND ONCE IN A WHILE

JOHNNY WINTERS SHOWS UP.

WE START EATING -- WELL, 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON.

EARLYBIRD, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, WE ARE THERE AROUND 3:00 AND WE USUALLY END UP WITH

THE RESTAURANT GATHERED AROUND.

YOU CAN IMAGINE PLENTY OF GUYS, YOU CAN SIT AROUND AND LISTEN TO

TALES, SOMETIMES THE SAME ONES.

FUNNY BOYS, THEY REALLY ARE.

>> I'M SORRY FOR THE SERIOUS OF NESS OF THIS, BUT HAVE YOU --

>> YES, I HAVE.

IT WAS A SMALL OPERATION, BUT I FEEL MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WITH

IT.

[LAUGHTER] >> TALK ABOUT IT.

THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN IMPORTANT TO YOU THAT YOU

HAVE LOST IN THE PAST FEW YEARS.

>> WHO?

[LAUGHTER] WELL, YES, THERE ARE.

A LOT OF THEM, OH, MY GOSH.

THIS HAS BEEN SOME YEAR, COUPLE OF YEARS.

MARTIN, HARVEY, ESPECIALLY -- HARVEY, YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,

THAT HAPPENED TO SUDDENLY FOR ME?

HE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL IN LOS ANGELES AND, FOR ABOUT FOUR OR

FIVE MONTHS, AND DICK MARTIN.

NOT THAT FRANK AND I WERE THAT CLOSE, BUT SINATRA.

I GOT TO KNOW HIM KIND OF WELL.

YEAH, IT'S ALWAYS -- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE MOMENT WHEN

IT HAPPENS IN SHOW BUSINESS THAT IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF MOMENTS

UNTIL SOMETHING NOT SCHUMER US COMES -- NOT SCHUMER US COMES

OUT OF IT BUT -- NOT HUMOROUS COMES OUT OF IT BUT

SOMETHING LIKE COMES OUT OF IT.

THAT DOES HAVE A TENDENCY TO KIND OF SMOOTH THINGS OVER.

YOU ENJOY THAT PERSON SO MUCH WHEN THEY ARE AROUND AND THOSE

MEMORIES NEVER DIE.

SO IT ISN'T REALLY AS TOUGH SOMETIMES AS IT SEEMS.

ARE YOU REAL?

[LAUGHTER] YOU'RE NOT REAL.

>> AS FAR AS I KNOW, I'M OK.

MY DOCTOR IS SOMEWHERE HERE.

[LAUGHTER] ASK HIM.

AM I OK?

OK.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

AT LEAST FOR THE PROGRAM.

>> BUT I THINK I'LL GET TO THE LAST QUESTION JUST IN CASE.

WE HAVE A PROP THAT WE WOULD LIKE TO BRING ONSTAGE.

LET'S ASK OUR COSTUME AND PROP DEPARTMENT.

YES, THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER] THERE YOU GO.

>> YOU WANT ME TO -- AUTOGRAPH IT?

>> PART OF THE TIM CONWAY LEGEND, THERE IS A FAMOUS LEGEND

ABOUT YOU AND A ROLL OF PAPER.

[LAUGHTER] >> SOMEBODY HAS BEEN SPYING --

OH, I THINK I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

YEAH, WELL, I DON'T DRINK THAT MUCH ANYMORE.

[LAUGHTER] YES, I WAS AT ERNIE ANDERSON'S

HOUSE ONE NIGHT AND I HAD BEEN OVERSERVED, WHICH IS A TERRIBLE

THING.

SO I WENT IN THE BATHROOM AND I TO THE TOILET PAPER AND I

TOTALLY WRAPPED MYSELF IN TOILET PAPER TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE A

MUMMY.

SO I CAME OUT AND EVERYBODY THOUGHT, BOY, THAT'S REALLY

FUNNY.

SO I DROVE HOME THAT WAY.

JUST LITTLE EYE SLITS.

I WILL SHOW YOU IN A MOMENT, AS A MATTER OF FACT.

I CARRY THIS BECAUSE I OFTEN USE IT.

I WENT HOME DRIVING LIKE THIS AND I THOUGHT IT WOULD HE FUNNY

IF I GOT PULLED OVER BY A COP AND, IF HE ASKED FOR MY LICENSE

-- THE COUSIN THEY HAD TAKEN A PICTURE OF ME LIKE THIS AND I

CUT IT OFF AND PUT IT ON MY LICENSE.

[LAUGHTER] >> A PICTURE OF YOU AS THE

MUMMY?

>> A PICTURE OF ME AS THE MUMMY.

SO IF HE ASKED FOR MY LICENSE, I WOULD GIVE HIM -- WHICH THIS IS

-- [LAUGHTER]

>> THAT IS A PICTURE OF YOU WRAPPED IN THE PAPER -- AS THE

MUMMY IS WHAT I MEANT TO SAY.

[LAUGHTER] YOU ARE A FINE LOOKING MOMMY,

ESTHER CONLIN.

>> SO HE SAYS CAN I SEE YOUR LICENSE?

I SAID YES?

SO HE LOOKS AT ME AND I GO.

HE JUST HANDED IT BACK TO ME AND SAID, OK.

[LAUGHTER] JUST KIND OF TAKE IT EASY ON THE

WAY HOME.

[LAUGHTER] YES.

I DON'T DO THOSE SILLY THINGS ANYMORE.

>> DO YOU DO SILLY THINGS ANYMORE.

>> YES, ON A DAILY BASIS.

YEAH, YEAH.

I ENJOY DOING THOSE KIND OF THINGS.

IT SOMETIMES BRIGHTENS PEOPLES DAYS SOMETIMES IT BRIGHTENS MY

DAY.

YEAH, I HAVE A RUBBER HAND THAT I HAVE IN THE BACK OF MY CAR,

THE TRUNK IS CLOSED ON IT.

PEOPLE GO, HEY, THERE IS A GUY IN YOUR TRUNK.

REALLY?

OK.

[LAUGHTER] YEAH, I ENJOY ON A DAILY BASIS.

I JUST ENJOY PEOPLE.

I HAVE ENJOYED BEING HERE TODAY.

DON'T YOU LOVE THE SOUND OF LAUGHTER?

IT'S KIND OF HARD TO FIND NOWADAYS, REAL, GENUINE.

AND THAT PAPER IS HARD TO FIND.

NO, I ENJOY LIFE, I REALLY DO.

I'VE HAD SOME PRETTY GOOD TIMES IN LIFE.

>> THANKS SO MUCH.

>> IS THAT THE END?

[LAUGHTER] >> I CAN NEVER TELL WITH YOU.

LIKE I WILL SAY THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, AND GET A ROUND OF

APPLAUSE BUT YOU WON'T BE DONE.

>> NO, NO, I'M GOING TO HANG AROUND HERE FOR A COUPLE OF

HOURS.

>> THANKS SO MUCH.

>> THANK YOU.

>> TIM CONWAY.

[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER]

♪ >> FUNDING FOR "BACKSTAGE WITH

TIM CONWAY" IS PROVIDED BY CUYAHOGA COUNTY RESIDENTS

THROUGH CUYAHOGA ARTS & CULTURE, GEORGE W. CODRINGTON CHARITABLE

FOUNDATION, AND THE OHIO ARTS COUNCIL.

STREAM BACKSTAGE WITH ON

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