America ReFramed

S9 E12 | FULL EPISODE

Jack & Yaya

From a young age, Yaya and Jack saw each other as they truly were, a girl and a boy, even though most of the world didn’t see them that way. As they grew older, they supported each other as they both came out as transgender. JACK & YAYA follows these two friends for a year and explores their unique, thirty-year relationship.

AIRED: June 22, 2021 | 1:23:45
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TRANSCRIPT

JACK: We would play house.

It was great, because, like, she would be the mom,

I'd be the dad, we had no problems.

It was just great.

NATASHA DEL TORO:Meet Jack and Yaya, childhood friends

who always understood each other,

even when others did not.

YAYA: I'm proud of being trans.

I want people to look at me and just be, like,

"Damn, she went through hell

"and she's okay.

I can be okay, too."

DEL TORO:Love, humor, and acceptance

in a lifelong friendship.

"Jack and Yaya,"

on America ReFramed.

(chainsaw running in distance)

YAYA: I feel like she was, like, a really big part of,

like, like, a expression, like, it was like a...

When my mom would clean,

like, that, like, she would listen to everything,

like, what is it? Bryan Adams,

Def Leppard, Van Halen, like, the whole nine.

But it was like...

Carole King was the first one on.

And so it was like a...

I don't know, it was, like, the perfect start.

Because all the songs, like, they're about love

but empowerment at the same time.

They're about, like, missing someone

and she knows that she can do good without them,

but she just wishes that they were there.

So it's where you're showing your femininity

but your strength at the same time.

It's such, I get chills.

Like, I...

It's such a, it's good.

Like, she's just amazing.

And just, like, she's doing what she has to do,

she's letting you know, like, she loves you,

but (bleep) you, I gotta, I gotta do me.

Like, I'm going to miss you, though.

I love that.

It's the one thing about being a woman that, like,

that's how I knew.

Like, there was no way, like, my, the...

As much as of a (bleep) as I am,

the amount of compassion I can hold for someone...

Like, not that men can't hold compassion,

it's just, it's not a natural instinct,

and my natural instinct is to feel,

to be that way, like...

I hate to let people know that, but...

That's just me.

And that's what this is,

it teaches you about being compassionate

and being strong at the same time.

While doing so-- that's beautiful.

(in background): ♪ You're so far away

("So Far Away" by Carole King continues)

(birds chirping)

(exhales, keys jingle)

You can lay down.

Hi. (drops keys)

All right.

Lie down, lie down.

Good boy, relax.

(grunts)

All right.

Just stay.

I was going to sell it because I started to get pissed off

that every time something broke,

I brought it to them to fix it, but...

Because I don't want to do that.

I want to be able to fix it myself,

but I just don't know how to.

I don't think that I was supposed to take that out.

(bleep)

MAN IN VIDEO (blows out): So that's all set.

JACK: This one looks clogged!

MAN: You gotta put that one back.

JACK: My dad had the same moped, though.

When my mom was, like, 15,

her boyfriend broke up with her.

(laughs): And my dad was in love with her

and so he made her a chocolate cake

and rode it over on his moped with one hand.

If it starts, that's going to be really fun.

(breathlessly): Okay, no, it's not that.

So it's another (bleep) thing.

Plink's sad because he wanted to put on his goggles

and get in the sidecar.

(grunts): Okay.

When I was probably, like,

I must have been, like, seven,

and I went, and I really wanted short hair,

so I went and I cut the sides of my hair,

just, like, really, really, really, really short

with scissors, and I knew immediately,

I was, like, "Uh-oh, shouldn't have done that."

And so my mom was, like, "What happened?"

So I made up a crazy story-- well, actually, it's really...

I was young, so, I actually must have been younger...

We'll go with seven.

And I told her, "Oh, I must have cancer."

Because I knew, when you have cancer,

you lose your hair.

So I wanted her to not know that I was the one

who tried to have, like, a boy's haircut,

so I told her...

Like, in my head, I was, like, "Oh..."

Like, "I'll pretend my hair's...

Like, my hair will be falling out."

She was, like, "You don't have cancer.

That's not how that works." (laughs)

"You cut your own hair."

I feel like there's so many Yaya stories

of our childhood.

Once we're together,

we can't stop.

I met her, she had just turned two,

so I was three.

I was, I think, just with my dad.

We were in the backyard

and then there was, like, a little chain fence

and she was on the other side with her Uncle Timmy.

And I just remember coming up to the fence and, like...

I don't even think we talked.

I just remember, like, staring.

And then we just were, like, "All right, let's play."

And we just played every day.

The first time she comes over to my house, she came in...

My mom is, like, "It's like she knew where,

exactly where to go."

Goes into my mom's closet, puts on my mom's high heels,

and just comes out, like, tromping around

in her high heels, like, the first time we met.

And I was, like, "All right, I guess this is...

This is how we're, how this is going."

We would play house,

but it was great, because,

like, she would be the mom, I'd be the dad.

We had no problems, it was just, you know...

Living out our little freak lives.

Kids. Great.

YAYA: There was these boys up the street.

Collins kids.

And, you know, they'd always, like, picked fights.

They were bad.

And I would beat them up,

because I just didn't care and I could.

But this one day, I was in the house by myself,

and I had lipstick on

and a sheet wrapped around me, like, playing.

The one kid, (bleep),

could see me putting on the lipstick.

Then he, like, started laughing and called me a (bleep).

My dad had a gun cabinet.

He could see in the window that the gun was there,

and I went like this...

That's all I did.

My Uncle Jackie was standing in Jack's backyard

watching me and told my mother.

And that was the only time she hit me.

Like, she took my head and slammed it

into my closet door.

My fantasy was to be long-haired,

stupid gown, like...

I just wanted that. I knew then

that's what it was.

(indistinct chatter)

JO ANN: Jack, I'm trying to get you in the camera

and you're running away.

All you need is makeup.

(indistinct chatter)

JACK: I don't know, maybe they...

Maybe in my head, they didn't say,

"You can't have short hair,"

but I just, like, thought I couldn't.

But they also, like, got me, like, everything

I asked for for Christmas, of, like, football stuff,

and they knew, like, I wanted to do karate.

I don't know, they didn't stop me from doing

other gendered things.

JO ANN: You got to practice your kicks.

TRACI: I run a business.

- Ooh! I want to play with Daddy with this.

I'll hit him over his head with it.

JACK: I didn't really know that I wanted to be a boy.

I knew that, like, I wanted to be married to a woman...

And then I remember thinking, like,

"This is wrong and I need to fix this."

Like, even then,

I was, like, "This is not okay.

"I need to change this.

This is, like, going to be problems for me."

I asked my grandmother one day,

when Rosie O'Donnell came out as gay,

so whatever year that was,

I said...

She used to watch The Rosie O'Donnell Show a lot

and she liked her.

And then when she, when she came out as gay,

I remember sitting on the porch with my grandmother.

We were reading the newspaper, I was reading the newspaper,

she was... I don't know how old...

Whenever Rosie came out, '97 or something like that?

And... Maybe before then.

And I was, like,

"I'm going to ask my grandmother

"how she feels about this,

"to see, like, if she'll, like, love me still.

For, for anything."

And I was, like, "Oh, so how do you feel

about Rosie O'Donnell being gay?"

And my grandmother just, like, looks at me and is, like,

"I don't care.

I think, like, whoever she wants to love she can love."

And then I remember saying-- this is actually really funny.

I was, like, "I don't get how...

"Why does Rosie O'Donnell, then,

think Tom Cruise is a cutie patootie?"

Remember she always used to say that?

"How can she think he's cute if she, like, likes women?"

And my grandmother just being, like,

"Oh, well, the world

doesn't want you to see that."

And I was, like, "Oh."

And she was, like, "So she hides it.

"And so she says that he's this so that

other people will, will like her still."

And I was, like... (sighs)

"This is going to be a hard...

This is going to be hard."

I'm going home to see my family,

and that includes Yaya,

and we get to all hang out and spend Fourth of July together

and hopefully do some family time,

lots of cooking.

Lots of partying.

More partying than cooking. (laughing)

Plinko's really excited, because he knows where we're going.

Plinko! Plinko!

We're going to see

your grandpa and Yaya! (Plinko howls)

Say, "Yaya!"

I'm going to stay with my dad and, um...

My dad and his girlfriend, Pam.

And yeah, it's the house I grew up in

and it's next door to Yaya.

So she is hopefully off some days

so we can spend some time together,

and recently, you know, trying to change her name.

Trying to help her out with

going through that process,

because it's been easier for me,

here in Massachusetts, than her.

And she has a lot going on in her life, and I just want...

I know that will really help her out,

because every time I go home,

if we go shopping or something

and she uses her card, I know she feels anxious

because it says "Christopher," and she just...

If anyone asks, she says, "Oh, it's my boyfriend.

Let me take the card out."

And I just think it's time to, like,

to have her feel better.

YAYA: Look at you, handsome man!

JACK: Hi. YAYA: Oh, my God!

(indistinct chatter)

YAYA: Ow! I was in the pool.

You're manly. You don't have

to smack me like a man.

Hi! How was your drive?

(indistinct chatter)

(Plinko barking)

TONY: We know, we know, we know. (indistinct chatter)

MAN: Tony! JACK: What's dripping?

TONY: The air conditioning. What's up, bud?

JACK: Smells like weed in here.

TONY: When doesn't it? (coughing from inside)

MAN: Oh, Mitch is there, and, like, Eddie's there.

Of, course it will smell.

Hi. MAN: Guess who's here!

WOMAN: Good to see you.

TONY: You should have been first, you pregnant old (bleep).

(indistinct chatter)

(birds chirping)

JACK: My parents, they were living in an apartment

and then they decided that they, you know, wanted to buy a house.

So they borrowed money from my grandfather

and they bought this house

and on the, I think the day we moved in,

my dad took me outside to, like, look at the backyard,

and next door, there was a different fence,

but I remember you were with Uncle Timmy.

- Basically to me, in a weird, weird way,

like, Jack had the longer dark hair, resembled Tony,

which had the Uncle Jesse brown curly mullet,

you know, and the tan. - Back in the '80s.

- And the blue eyes, and the, you know.

And Jack had that, but Jack was my age, and, like,

so he had this, like, brave, like, fearless personality,

like he wasn't scared of anything

and he just, kind of just did stuff.

JACK: Yaya, she was so much fun to play with.

To be honest, I think the reason why

we were such good friends when we were younger

is because of who we actually are today.

I think that, like, you know, being younger

and, like, not having the words

for, like, what, how we felt inside,

I think we just acted it out by playing house.

YAYA: When we were kids, Jack and I would trade toys.

There's actually a home video

of Jack getting a Barbie mannequin head,

going, "Christopher will love this!"

JO ANN: (gasps)

A Barbie styling head!

- Christopher will want to play with that!

JACK: Like, Santa left it at the wrong house.

Like, I really was, like, "Oh, what a mistake."

JO ANN: Do you like what your sister got you?

CHILD JACK: Yes. Thanks, Trace!

YAYA: I think we both were wise

and broad for our own age, if that makes any weird sense.

Because thinking about it now,

there was things that we shouldn't have known,

and things that we shouldn't have done,

and things that we shouldn't have thought about,

but we did and we had these feelings

as if our souls were old, and knew each other

and had met again. - That's true.

YAYA: And it took us just to turn around and go...

Actually, it took him to say, "Well, you're gay and..."

JACK: No, I said, "I'm gay and you are, too."

- No, you said, "You're gay and so am I."

Basically, like, you came out afterwards.

You, like, made sure that I was first,

to then say that you were.

To see my reaction. - We were sitting in my car,

and I thought I had, like, figured out

what was wrong with us.

I was, like, "I, I got it!

I know why we're such freaks." (laughs)

JO ANN: I knew it would work out.

I don't know how I knew,

but I knew. (laughs)

Well, I guess I didn't have a choice,

but yeah, I knew it was the right thing.

Even though I knew I was too young, and...

18 years old, all my friends

were going to the prom and I was pregnant, but I...

Going on the senior trip.

But I didn't care.

I missed it, oh, well. (laughs)

Tony and I had a conversation, like, you know,

Tony, like, something, like, "Oh, what do you think?

Our oldest is gay." (imitating)

Like...

Almost as a challenge to see what I thought.

WOMAN: You got to put it on...

- She can get married, too.

She's part of it, right?

Thank you, everybody. WOMAN: You're welcome.

WOMAN 2: She didn't wear it very long.

JACK: I came out to, like, my mom first.

It didn't go so great.

My mom said, "It's rough,"

and I knew she probably feels embarrassed.

She said, "I've never been more disappointed in you."

So, that wasn't good.

That was not a good response. But I already was, like,

"If she doesn't like it, I'm running away," you know?

And my mom just takes a long time to come around.

But then when she's around, she's, she's good.

I didn't think my dad was closed-minded.

I don't know why I was scared to tell him.

But I come home from a fight

with my first girlfriend, Lindsey.

I, like, see my dad in his tighty-whities

in the hallway, just coming into the living room.

He was, like, "Jack! What are you do..."

No, "What the (bleep) are you doing?

Why are you home so late?"

And then, like, he, like, at first he was mad at me,

and then when he saw my face,

like, he had seen I was crying, I guess.

And he's, like, "Are you okay?

Are you in trouble with the law?"

And I was, like, "No."

And then the next thing he said was,

"Are you and Lindsey fighting?"

And so I knew he knew the, you know,

dynamics of our relationship, and then he...

And then I'm hugging him

and he's just, like, you know, "What's up?"

And I was, like, "Well, Dad,

me and Lindsey aren't just friends."

And he goes, "Oh, baby, I knew that.

You didn't have to tell me."

He was, like, "Well, let me make you some tea."

So, like, at, like, 2:00 in the morning on, like, a Wednesday,

we're just, like, sitting in the kitchen having tea.

(Tony laughs)

(woman giggles)

TONY: This club is great.

The (bleep) that used to happen was nuts!

I don't know, the guys were always just fun.

Like, we would (bleep), it was, like, fun.

Well, I think it was a bunch of young kids

back in the day.

They drove down to the woods.

This place has been here since '49.

For me, when there's kids here, like family picnic,

I don't even pay attention to the adults anymore.

I'm all into kids having fun, jump in the lake.

I want them to experience the club.

I think our main goal is to have fun.

Right here, my dad's brother,

Uncle Howard, who's on my dresser.

They said he had a heart attack,

but I think he died of AIDS and nobody really told us.

Gay was always in our family.

So I've never had an issue.

I've grown up with my uncle.

He's best mother(bleep) you ever want to meet.

But as far as transgender,

that didn't come for a while later.

The one thing as a parent that I've always thought was,

"Never judge your kids."

Whatever they do, as long as they don't effin' kill somebody

or rob somebody or hurt somebody,

then they're fine.

Same body, same head.

Same person I know.

Jack can say,

"Dad, I'm sorry, I'm a transgender alien

from (bleep) Egypt,"

and I'll go, "Where?

"Egypt?

It's a little hot there, isn't it?"

And we'll be okay.

I love my kids.

TRACI: I didn't know you had a doctorate.

- Doctorate? What's a doctorate?

TRACI: To be a behavioralist?

- Behavioralist? What's a behavioralist?

TRACI: Exactly.

- I done raised two kids.

TRACI: Yeah, look at them.

JACK: Barely. - (Bleep) up.

(Jack laughs)

(indistinct chatter)

TONY: I've never steered you the wrong way.

If you ever think I did, you let me know.

- I'll get a pen and paper.

TONY: Pam, get a pen and paper!

TRACI: I'd rather type it.

- Type it!

(laughter)

TONY: He's way more comfortable in himself.

He doesn't give a (bleep) who's around

and says, "That's bad."

He's Jack!

He's my son I always wanted and had.

Look at him! Beautiful person.

Yeah.

(exhales loudly)

Cut!

(birds chirping)

YAYA: And during the week,

it was just basically, like, do your homework.

Weekends were...

- Party. - We're going to have

a party, we're going to...

- You stay out of our hair. - Yeah.

(music playing in background)

MAN: Like a porno movie. (laughter)

Why don't you get to bed

so you ain't late for work again, man?

You can't lose this job!

First you grab the hat,

then you twist the hat. MAN: Then you turn the hat.

- Then you turn the hat,

then you slam the hat.

MAN: Then you drink a Budweiser!

- Then you make sure it's a Starter hat.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

Don't do that!

We're going to get dizzy when we watch this!

JACK: We partied with them,

and then they would get mad at us.

YAYA: And it was bedtime after that.

(indistinct chatter)

TONY (in video): What time is it?

- Ten of 7:00.

TONY: Which is... Go to bed.

TRACI: Where are you going? TONY: Who?

(music playing in background)

YAYA: It was, like, a mirrored image.

Jo Ann was, like, set on making a career

and a thing for herself,

then Tony got up every day and worked for a township

and had great benefits.

On my side, my dad was barely making

nine dollars an hour, and my mom,

she was on her way to get her own cleaning business

for a short amount of time

before she had her nervous breakdown

after having my youngest sibling,

and, like, lost herself.

So, here you had this, like, sense of stability,

and over here it was, like, chaotic.

(child talking in background)

JENNIFER: Do I look like a witch?

YAYA: It didn't necessarily provide us with, like, the,

"You're going to be set later on in life" type of deal.

Well, I always thought she was going to be a girl.

I was really surprised that she was born a boy,

because I had nothing but feelings she was a girl.

We go back, I have a lot of gay people in my family.

My grandmother didn't say they were gay,

she would say they're funny.

Chris used to get beat up in school,

he did, for being gay.

And I said to him,

"I can't believe that you don't believe it.

You should have known this was going to happen."

I said, "Don't sit there and take any (bleep).

"I don't care what you have to do.

You don't take any (bleep) from anybody."

It's hard to understand to some people,

and I really, like, if you have a hard time,

then put yourself in that place.

You know, just...

Just for an hour.

My brothers and sisters were...

Didn't know how to act around me.

Because they know that if they said something wrong,

I'd be on them like, you know,

a screaming eagle.

They don't want to talk about it in front of me.

Because we were raised very strict Catholics,

and I had a hard time accepting it.

And I worry still today, you know?

Where's he going to go when he dies?

Bothers me a lot.

I don't see anything wrong with it.

First of all, I'm not God.

You know?

I don't know what He has in mind.

I don't believe He's going to throw somebody in hell for, uh,

doing what comes natural.

I couldn't ask for better kids.

They go out of their way to do anything for anybody.

I think the hardest part is over now.

It was coming out and letting everybody know

and not being ashamed of who you are.

So they...

I think that it's going to be smooth sailing from now on.

You know?

And Chris does not take any crap.

(crickets chirping)

YAYA: But it was just like, you know...

Drag was my outlet,

and then I, that's when I first, like, started looking up...

When I started practicing my makeup to get better,

and I realized that that was a thing,

I was, like, "Oh, this is what I am.

This is what-- I'm a drag queen. This makes me happy."

And then I started,

like, Googling and looking up different performers

who had their surgeries and I was just, like,

"Oh, so you can actually do that."

JOHN: I had a friend,

he was, like, "You got to come to this drag show."

And I was scared of drag queens.

Literally, I was, like,

"I don't know that I would want to go to that."

So I went, and then it became something where I was, like,

"Do you think... I wonder if I could do that."

And then they were winning money and I was, like,

"I could totally do three cartwheels

into a split and win some money."

So then I performed,

and I won the first time I performed.

Which in turn inspired Yaya. She was, like,

"I think I could do that, too."

The very next Thursday,

Yaya performed for the first time

and did a Mariah Carey song, and then,

that's how Yaya was born.

But I was Sucha Dalight,

and then Yaya became Yaya Dalight.

(pop ballad playing)

(woman laughs and claps)

(song continues)

YAYA: Everywhere I went, I was in drag.

Even if I went to the movies or the store,

I had to go with makeup.

I couldn't just go as a boy.

Like, I couldn't just go as Chris.

She started doing the, the dress-up.

The drag stuff.

I thought it was, you know, nice,

and she really looked beautiful.

Um...

But that was her way of being comfortable.

And I didn't know how serious she was.

I thought it was...

Because she won a lot of contests, you know?

And, um...

That's what I thought it was, and for the fun.

Then eventually, she said to us,

"I think I'm going to start wearing makeup to work.

And start testing the waters."

And we were, like, "What do you mean?"

Like, "What do you need to, what do you need to do that for?"

Being her gay brother,

I was supposed to get it right away,

without any questions, but I didn't.

John had said to me,

"Oh, so you're going to be a tranny (bleep) on the street."

And, "You're going to be one of those disgusting trannies."

Because at the time, there was no education.

I remember getting choked up, I was, like,

"I can't believe you said that to me.

I didn't expect you to act like that."

It's almost like...

It's okay that she's trans,

it's okay that she's a she, but it was...

There was a Chris that we loved, too,

that we had to say goodbye to.

As similar as the two people are,

Chris had a different personality than Yaya.

I used to dress Chris in my clothes as a boy.

Like, when we would go out,

like, I would help Chris pick out outfits,

because Chris was not really fashiony.

But then Yaya is

the Mariah Carey of South Jersey.

The more everyone was just, like,

"Yes, Yaya! We love Yaya!",

the more I was just, like, "Okay, cool."

Like, I can be on board because I know she's okay.

There was definitely times where I went back

and said, "I'm sorry for not just going with the flow

like you expected me to be able to,"

because she deserves it.

And, you know, and we've never had

really, like, real issues about it since then.

(aerosol spraying)

Do you not want some?

MAN: What? No, I already put some on.

(Jack hocks and spits)

MAN: Gonna take a picture.

Hi!

(indistinct chatter)

- Is that Winnie the Pooh's (bleep)?

JACK: Is it?

YAYA: Oh, he's honey-drunk.

Muah. Okay, let's go.

(indistinct chatter)

WOMAN: Two hours. Maybe three hours.

(indistinct chatter)

MAN: That was, that was late in the summer, right?

Wasn't that, like, August?

JACK: Just make sure...

(murmuring)

Are you going to wrap your (bleep) traps or what?

JACK: Yaya! It's a keeper!

(indistinct chatter)

JACK: I would just die with a crab with a cigarette

in its little claw.

You want to see?

This is what we usually catch.

JOHN: You finally got your own cooking show.

YAYA: Oh, yes!

JOHN: In your dream kitchen.

YAYA: In my dream kitchen.

(indistinct chatter)

WOMAN: Shrimples!

MAN: Are those 25 count?

- Yaya, come eat a little shrimp off my nipple!

JOHN: Sometimes I just pull this right out like this

without even... - That's okay.

Oh, there's, oh, the tail is tucked, so it's like this.

JACK: My family's always called me Jack.

Only my dad would call me Jacqueline,

like when he was screaming my name in the neighborhood

when I wasn't coming home on time.

My grandmother's good now.

She does have a problem with pronouns,

so she just says "Jack."

She has, like, enough.

My grandfather has, like, has Alzheimer's,

so she just has enough.

So I never feel bad with her.

But I wrote her a letter just being, like,

"As long as you love me,

I don't care what pronouns you use."

DEE DEE: They're making a little movie!

That's all.

JACK: This is it, this is Pop's closet.

DEE DEE: Oh! JACK: You know, thank you.

POP: It's heavy. JACK: It's very heavy.

POP: When I die... JACK: Okay.

- ...you can have it. JACK: Thank you.

POP (through artificial larynx): I was in the military

and I got most of my tattoos when I was in the military.

This is a sign of the United States.

Okay? The eagle represents the United States.

JACK: My Uncle Ed's ex-wife is underneath that deer.

DEE DEE: He never thought...

You don't get other than family on you, ever.

JACK: I love the "Dolores is my life" tattoo.

That's my favorite.

DEE DEE: I like white roses.

But they, he couldn't put white on there.

That's my favorite, white roses.

JACK: Oh, yeah.

You got that tattoo the day I was born.

DEE DEE: And then when he came home,

and the name was wrong-- it wasn't J-A-C-Q-U-I-E,

it was J-A-C-K-I-E, Jackie.

Now it's right.

- Yeah. - Right? It's right.

- (laughs): Pretty close.

- Mm-hmm. - There you go.

- Mm-hmm.

He came home one night, drunk again,

and I was there with the kids, I was so angry.

His jacket was hanging in a closet.

And there was a gun in there and I just shot at the jacket.

Boom!

And then he was trying to throw me out

and they were crying, the kids were in their room.

And they're all twisted and I was crying,

and he was trying to throw me out.

And that bullet was still in the house or something,

in that closet. JACK: Yeah, when you moved out.

DEE DEE: I was babysitting.

Jackie had swallowed a red marble,

and I still have that marble-- it's brown now.

And that's the marble that I almost twisted myself

because it went in that child's stomach.

Jack was always the one,

number one. - Yeah...

- See what they can fit in there.

No.

Look.

Look at the date. JACK: It says

January 2016, that...

DEE DEE: Doesn't seem like...

JACK: No! I think that you already knew.

I told you because I felt like

you were getting worked up going,

"He, she, she, he, he, she, he."

And I didn't you to feel upset because I don't care.

DEE DEE: I wasn't upset, I don't want to upset you.

JACK: I'm not upset.

DEE DEE: I mean, like, to, you know,

oh, I, no, I wanted to get it right.

JACK: I know. - That's all.

That's all. JACK: I know-- I know.

- You know, just right, not...

I didn't want to upset you.

JACK: You don't upset me. DEE DEE: Me, either.

JACK: The reason why I love game shows is because of her.

Okay, pick your door.

- I'm taking one.

- All right, I'm going to go...

Then you're going this one?

- I'm taking one.

Well, I want to get on the one that comes up here!

- Well... (laughs)

She picks this one. Oh! She won!

JACK: Coming out as gay

was just so much easier for me

than saying I was trans.

When I was dating my ex,

once the end of our relationship was apparent,

I took it really hard and I realized

that part of why I took it so hard

was that she was a straight woman

and I didn't have to...

You know,

I didn't have to figure out my gender,

because in my head, it was, like,

"I'm dating a straight woman,

she sees me as this," like, "I'm... Everything is fine."

And then once we broke up, I realized,

like, I don't want to be somebody's girlfriend.

I would Google the word "transgender"

and then clear my search history.

Because that's how bad I knew it was.

Even though Yaya was already trans.

She was already out.

I just still wasn't as brave as her.

She just, like,

she might not think she went in full force,

but to me, she did.

YAYA: The same year I won

Ms. Philadelphia Gay Pride, it was 2009,

I had my crown, I felt beautiful,

I felt myself,

and in front of 40,000 people,

I thought, "Today's the day. This is it."

I took my first hormone shot

in the bathroom of a restaurant at Pride.

Right as I started to really develop,

my mom was diagnosed with cancer.

The doctor said, you know, "Basically, you have

six months to live."

And so of course, because I am my mother's daughter,

and I'm literally a replica of her--

our birthdays are five days apart--

I was stubborn and was, like, "You know what?

"Screw this.

"I'm still going to do this because

"she's going to pass away

"and she never got to live the life

"that she deserved or wanted,

and am I going to be her?"

Like, in the very beginning, she would go,

"I just want to see my son."

I said, "I'm not your son.

I'm your child. Am I not your child?"

"Well, why don't you wait till I die?" she would say.

(voice breaking): And I would get so mad,

because I didn't want to wait till she died.

I didn't want to wait until she was gone to be myself.

And she said, "I don't want no one to hurt you."

And I said, "What do you mean?

"No one's going to hurt me, Mom. Do you not realize I can fight?

Do you not realize who you raised?"

And she would go, "I don't want no one to kill you."

But she was so terrified that someone would hurt me

that she would subject me to being miserable, yet alive.

This is who I am and I said to her,

I said, "You will accept it,

"or I will leave.

And I won't come back."

And she accepted it,

and I stayed.

And I still went through with everything

and I just did it.

And it was terrifying, and it was hard,

but I knew that if I didn't do it then,

I wouldn't do it later.

(bird chirping)

JACK: On the checklist

"steps to obtain a court order to change your name

in New Jersey,"

18 steps.

Do you know how many steps

I did in Massachusetts?

- (murmurs) - Guess.

- Two. - Pretty much.

Step one, we filled out the verified complaint form,

we filled out the order fixing date.

We filled out the civil case information,

we mailed the check to the State of New Jersey...

Step seven.

This is where we're at, step seven.

"The court will also indicate the name of a newspaper

in which you have to do this..."

So now we have, the newspaper is...

- Either theTimes or Courier Post .

- So then we need to, then we need to figure out

how to put this in the paper tonight.

Headline.

In the matter of...

- This fishy (bleep)...

(people chuckling)

- ...named Yaya... - This fishy...

- ...change her (bleep) name to Christina Jennifert...

- Name of person placing this ad.

It does feel, like, pretty overwhelming.

I can, like, see why you don't, haven't done it.

I really do. - And it's irritating,

because when you're sitting here and you're by yourself

and you don't someone next to you talking to you,

you're just, like, "(Bleep) it."

I don't know, it was never something that I was just, like,

"Oh, my God, this needs to happen."

I was more worried about, like, "Oh, I need a hormone shot.

I need, I need an estrogen vial."

Versus, like, you know, I was more worried about, like,

my physical appearance and passing

than, you know, who's really going to look at my I.D.

(hold music playing on phone)

COURT CLERK (on phone): Thank you for calling

the Superior Court Clerk's Office.

This is Annette speaking, how may I help you?

YAYA: Hi, I emailed your office

earlier Friday afternoon

about my name change.

I have the final affidavit right in front of me

and now I just need to receive my certified copy.

COURT CLERK: What's the docket number?

YAYA: L-760-17.

COURT CLERK: Hold on.

(hold music resumes)

COURT CLERK:So you said it was 000,

because it's not even coming up under the docket number.

- No, that's not what I said.

I said 760-17.

COURT CLERK:I would call the County Courthouse.

MAN (on phone recording): For vote-by-mail ballots...

FILM PRODUCER: Just start over again.

MAN: ...please press three.

For the County Clerk Records Room,

please press four.

(phone button beeps) That's it.

(phone ringing out)

Yaya, do you want me... Do you...

WOMAN (on phone):This is the County Clerk's Office.

How can I help you?

- Yes, I'm trying to get my certified copies

for the name change.

Am I at the right place now, talking to you?

WOMAN: Yes, you are.

- Thank you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel,

because my head was going to explode.

WOMAN: Yeah, they mail you out copies.

We'll mail them out to you, with the gold seal.

- Yeah. JACK: How many?

WOMAN:Yes, we'll send them out to you.

Okay-- but thank you so much for all your help

and you have a wonderful day, okay?

WOMAN:All right, thank you. You, too.

- You're welcome. Bye-bye.

Aw, Dee, Dee Dee! Thank you!

(clapping)

YAYA: You know a movie that I didn't see?

MAN: I likedCruel Intentions. YAYA: What is it?

JACK: The first time I really remember,

like, telling another friend,

I almost felt like I had bad news to deliver.

Like I had something horrible to tell you.

And I was, like, um...

I don't even know if I could say the word trans!

I don't remember. I just think I was, like,

fumbling through it, being, like, "I don't want to be..."

I think what I said was, like, "I don't want to be a girl."

But then I didn't really do anything about it.

I didn't tell another person for another two years.

Even though I, like, kept going to therapy

and, like, I felt it and I would...

So from basically 26 to 28, I knew

and I didn't do anything, because yeah,

living in a city and having an open family

that already knew I was gay, like, it was still hard!

I still felt like (bleep).

WOMAN: I don't want to go to bed!

YAYA: Well, what, are you going to sit

in the backyard in the dark by yourself?

EDDIE: It is true.

What they were saying all them years,

all these years, it's true--

all you need is love.

I met Jack when she-- well, he-- was this big, and...

Jesus, well, it seemed like this!

JACK: Like a fish! - It seemed like this big!

It looked like a fish to me, anyway.

I'm a fisherman anyhow, but...

We'd been living here for quite some years,

and they had moved in as next-door neighbors,

and we just melted, like, and turned into one family.

Friday nights especially were the greatest.

You know, because that's when it was, like,

you know, game on.

ALL: ♪ I got myself a guitar and I got myself some strings ♪

EDDIE: When you're from Philadelphia, there's no

not being positive about anything.

If you needed something to eat, you got something to eat.

If you needed a roof over your head,

you got a roof over your head.

You couldn't want it any better than it is

right here, right now.

Even right now! To this day.

(loud kissing) See?

This is what I'm telling you, look.

I get a hickey from my next-door neighbor.

What do you want?

What more could you want?

What? What? (dog barking)

I love everyone-- I love life itself.

I love that I woke up today to tell you

that I love this day.

I loved him ever since he was not him.

He didn't know it! But I did, I loved him.

But he didn't know it.

- I knew you loved me.

But he didn't know I loved him.

He thought I loved her.

But I loved him.

And I still do and I always will to my dying breath.

Always.

Every single day of my life.

I love you all.

And that's what it takes!

All you need is frickin' love.

(guitar strumming, laughter)

(crickets chirping)

YAYA: When Jack decided, it was, it was weird

because he never, he never said, "This is what I'm gonna do."

It was, "I need to get my top surgery."

And I was, like, "What do you mean?"

And he's, like, "I'm tired of binding."

And I was, like, "So do it, just do it, go for it."

I get chills from it,

because I remember he was so panicked,

like, he was, like...

I'm getting chills really bad.

He was... just...

You can hear, like,

a slight tinge of excitement, like a,

"Oh, my God, could I really do this?"

behind the fear.

Like, and I knew that.

Like, I was there.

I knew he was gonna do it,

and I knew it was gonna work out,

and I knew, like, he would finally have that...

(deep sigh): ...feeling that I had.

YAYA: Are you gonna cry? JACK: No!

I just don't want to.

(deep breath)

- You want, like, the Power Rangers theme music?

Oh, my God, I could totally play it.

- (laughing): Do not. - Where's my phone?

Let's give him theme music.

- (laughing): I'm not doing it 'cause I can't do it!

Do you ever get nervous?

- No, I'm, like,

"I want my breasts to grow."

And I'm done.

Like, literally just like that.

I'm actually jealous.

I wish I had estrogen.

I would totally stab myself with you.

I can do it for you.

- I'm not trusting you to, 'cause you'll,

you want to too much. (laughs)

'Cause you're evil. - I really don't want to.

But I just want you to not shake.

TONY: Just stick it in.

- I'm trying, Dad.

TONY: There's no trying, just stick it on your skin

and push it in and squeeze. - (exhales)

TONY: Push!

Just push!

Deep down inside, that's what you gotta do, do it!

JACK: The deep down inside part is the part that's...

(screaming): You guys!

TONY: I think you're overreacting.

JACK: I am, I'm trying.

YAYA: It's shaky.

So it shakes a little bit, what are you gonna do?

Think of the aftereffects, that's what I did.

JACK: I know, that's what I do.

I think of beards!

YAYA: I'll hold your leg.

- I can't... - You can.

You really can. - I can hold my leg myself.

- I think you're fine.

- Can you hold this side of my leg?

Okay, maybe I can do that.

- Yeah, you can.

- I need to do it.

(Yaya singing Jurassic Park theme)

(Jack gasps)

JACK: It hurts!

(Yaya sings Jurassic Park theme)

YAYA: Yay! (clapping) - (exhales)

YAYA: Are you bleeding?

- Yeah. YAYA: Good.

JACK: Well, thanks for coming over to torment me.

It's all I needed, yay!

My levels in my brain don't feel right.

I'm not supposed to, like, have any, like,

period at all, 'cause, like, most trans people don't.

Like, men don't have their period.

And, like, I don't have my period,

but I have, like, something.

Yesterday it was, like, kinda there and so I feel

like there's, like, hormones on that side of me

and then I'm low on T and then I just, like, felt crazy.

I didn't tell you, but...

Well, don't look at me like that.

I'm getting a hysterectomy on the 15th of December.

TONY: They're paying for it? - Yeah.

TONY: When's it... Where's this gonna be at?

- In Boston.

'Cause I can't just, like, do this, like, you know?

YAYA: I'll be screaming right with ya.

(shoes flopping, crickets chirping)

Um, right here,

this is where that hippie van was, down there,

that I was telling you about.

And the TV.

I remember there was one of those dial big TVs

down there for some reason.

YAYA: I had decent insurance and then, all of a sudden,

it was, like, $500 a month.

Or something crazy, and...

I made decent money then, I did not make that good of money,

you know, to be able to cover all that.

So I was back to ordering my medicine online.

For a while I would get them also from friends that,

you know, that were taking the same thing.

You know, it was kinda just what we did, we would...

We would take care of each other.

Like, if I ordered them and they weren't in yet,

"Hey, just give me one, soon as my order comes in,

I'll replace it or help you," or whatever.

There was older trans women that had been around for years

and actually sell them.

At one point,

me and my one friend were using the estrogen patches

and taking a shot.

Which is not good for your body, really, at all.

Um, and when the woman found out that I was doing that,

she was, like, "Well, here's the thing,

I'm not gonna sell them to you until you're done."

Here's a woman that's, like...

I didn't really know her very well,

and I trusted her and she, like, was taking care of us,

and that's why a lot of us call some of these trans women

"Mom" and look up to them as a mother.

I have people that call me "Mom" because I took them in

and was helping them.

And it's, it's, like, even if I didn't have my doctors,

I would've had a way.

(birds chirping)

Yeah, there is someone down there,

I think he's fishing.

I wonder if that's actually my dad fishing,

that would be really funny.

The only person that would be fishing would be you.

(Big John laughs)

YAYA: Those Bud Light Platinums you have right there?

BIG JOHN: Yep, just one.

YAYA: They're not even really supposed

to be in there, technically. - No, these are!

YAYA: No, they used to tell us to try to get them out because

they, like... - Can you hear 'em?

Can you hear it croaking?

Scratch his belly...

(chuckles): Hear it?

(fish croaking faintly)

(guitar playing, indistinct chatter)

(indistinct chatter)

They were dolls,

they were, like, little girls... JACK: Oh, yeah!

- They were called Time Out Dolls.

JACK: They were (bleep) freaky! - They were really creepy.

We still, I still have her.

I think she's in the basement... JACK: They were tall!

- Yes, yes, yes, you would sit her in the corner,

but she was like a child, they go on time out,

but it was like a doll and it was almost

like a decoration. JACK: It was so weird.

- Which didn't make sense, like,

why they would make a decoration to be a time out, but...

My mom just picked this name out and we have this doll

named Crendlewynn, and I said, "Mom..."

- (chuckling)

YAYA: "Where did you come up with that?"

And she said, "Well, had you been a girl,

this would have been your name."

And I will tell you this, that I didn't tell anybody, I,

for years I tried to disconnect that wig from its head

to put it on... (laughter)

Because I was tired of wearing a mophead.

(laughter)

JACK: Lower. YAYA: Are you sure?

JACK: Yeah, so that...

YAYA: Don't you want it, right, like,

in between his legs?

Like, there's so much paper room right there.

JACK: It's gonna be all on the crab.

YAYA: Why're you making noises like that?

It was not that hard.

JACK: Yeah, you could never deal with me

giving you an injection... (man murmuring)

JACK: No, 'cause you can barely do this.

YAYA: I can do this! You're a (bleep).

Man up.

JACK: Okay. YAYA: You... Man up.

- No, because apparently, Yaya, we can't...

We have to see what we look like because we're too...

- Because I'm too vain. (laughter)

- That was a good one.

(hiccups)

JACK: Come on...

My hysterectomy is scheduled for December.

I scheduled it then because

that's when I need the most time to recover.

So you need, like, a good two to three weeks...

Well, two weeks to be, like, no work,

because you're just basically, like, not, I don't know,

able to move that great.

So, I'm going to have it coincide

with the school vacation, but I don't want

to be in recovery, so I'm sort of, like,

"Do I even want to have surgery?"

Because back when I scheduled it,

I was sometimes, like, bleeding, and that was really (bleep).

Like, I don't think anyone likes having a period.

(phone ringing)

Oh, my mustache looks amazing! (phone ringing)

Look!

(phone ringing)

YAYA: Hi.

(Jack laughs) Why are you...

You had a lazy eye when you did that.

(Jack laughs)

JACK: I was trying to show you my mustache.

YAYA: I was making a scary face,

and then I noticed your lazy eye and got scared.

(Jack cackles) You got a mustache?

JACK: Yeah, look. (Yaya murmurs)

YAYA:Oh, I see it!

Oh, my God, it's coming in!

You're looking bea-- really great.

YAYA:Thanks!

JACK: Hold up the I.D.

Cover your picture-- I wanna see it.

YAYA:I got it the day I went to the DMV.

The woman was really cool.

She made me basically have a photoshoot right there.

My grandmom was really cute.

She was, like, "Should I make a cake?

I feel like we should make a cake."

I was, like, "No." JACK: That's the best!

Can I tell you what happened to me?

YAYA:Well, yes, please-- I'm tired of talking, actually.

Yaya, I was, like, crying, I was miserable, I was sad.

I wanted people to, like, talk to me,

and as soon as they talked to me, I was, like,

"Don't talk to me." (laughs)

(giggling): I went to the grocery store

and bought a whole bunch of (bleep)

on a credit card, on food.

On the way home, I'm, like, "I feel like (bleep),"

and I was, like, "I'm really hungry,"

and I couldn't wait to eat the Buffalo wings,

and so I pull over and I see a Best Buy,

so I was, like, "I'm going to Best Buy."

And I sit in the Best Buy parking lot and I feel like,

I'm, just start crying and I'm, like,

eating these Buffalo wings and crying, and then I was, like...

(Yaya chuckling) And then I was, like,

"I need a new TV!"

I, luckily, had tampons in my car, because apparently,

I was getting my period for the first time in

six months, and so I have this TV.

It's still in, like, the wrap because I think

I have to return it because I don't know why I did that.

YAYA:We're, like, at about the same...

We're about the same...

- Let me see yours... Aw!

(laughs)

Go back to yours, I wanna take a picture, too.

YAYA:I'm trying to, but you're too close.

You went to art school, right?

Like, how do you not get this?

- I-- mine is perfect!

Is it? YAYA: You're jiggling!

- Okay, I'll stop moving.

Oh, this is perfect.

That was the best part of my day! (laughs)

So my mom, for my 30th birthday,

made this little book for me.

And it's very cute.

And it's, like, the history of her and my dad

and me as a baby.

So then I basically just started finding pictures

and I want to put it to, like, a poem I wrote.

Right now, I'm starting off with, like,

us as babies, and then, like, the colors,

and then I feel like, once it starts to get older,

I'm just gonna change us by switching us around, kind of.

You know, I can look at these pictures of myself,

like, as a little girl and not feel upset,

but then it starts to just become anxiety.

And not just, like, anxiety that everybody gets when they look at

pictures of them in, like, fifth grade and above,

but more so, like, I can feel my little bit, like, pain.

Like, I didn't have pain when I was this young.

I just, like, just did whatever I wanted to do.

Like, I was also just dressing up like an insane person.

Look, I wanted a tattoo on my butt even then!

I had two painting ideas, and one was, like...

Like, "What's between your legs?", like, is a thing that...

Yaya and I were talking about this,

because she had an experience at work where somebody

stopped her at her table. (sighs)

Not, not, you know, a customer of hers, but just,

when she was walking past, said...

(imitating): "Excuse me, I don't want this

to upset you, but are, are you transgender?"

And obviously, it did upset her.

And she was, she said, "Oh, how did you know?"

Was her first response, like, "What gave it away?"

And then she just spent the whole rest of her day

just being, like, "What..."

You know, "What gave me away?"

And I think, I was thinking about that in bed at night,

and then I think even, like, two days after that,

I was at this show at the MFA in Boston

and this guy just came up to me, we started,

some dude, we just started talking, and then he was, like,

"Are you, are you a man?"

And I was, like, "Yeah." and he was, like,

"Are you a real man? Do you have a penis?"

Like at an art thing, in Boston!

And I was, like, "Whoa..."

Like, I can't believe that this still happens.

So then I think, like, that "What's between your legs?"

kind of was, like, a thing that I thought would be

interesting to just, like, I don't know, paint about.

And then I'll probably paint over this.

I wind up painting things and then just painting over them

when I don't care about them anymore.

So I have a lot of that stuff,

just things I'm not really...

I don't know-- I don't mind this one so far.

I just don't know what to do with the background,

but I think, you know, it's cathartic to just paint

and listen to music.

(birds chirping)

YAYA: I never thought I was handsome.

I didn't like... I hated my body, I hate...

Even now sometimes, I still hate, like,

I'm pounding makeup into my face.

I shouldn't have to do that.

I don't wanna do that.

I mean, yeah, if I'm going out for the night

and I wanna wow the crowd, yeah, of course, I'm gonna be fun,

but, like, I'm going to cook in my kitchen right now,

and I feel like I have to keep pounding makeup on.

I wanna wake up and roll out of bed and not have to worry

about, you know, my face and

is the sun too bright today, because, you know,

if you're standing there, they're gonna see

that you have facial hair growing in,

and you have these things that you did not want

coming out of your body.

And then you have to sit there and decide

whether you stay in your room and play in the bathroom

and do your makeup until 5:00 when the sun goes down

and then go to work...

(voice breaking) Because your brain won't let you

leave during the day. (sniffs)

It's tough enough, like, trying to, like, fight

with your body every day, like, to wake up and be, like,

"Oh, God, I gotta do this, and I gotta..."

Like me, I have platinum body hair

and I have to shave every single day, because electrolysis is,

to do my face would cost thousands of dollars.

I don't have that, I'm a waitress.

I have to take care of a grandmother and I have bills,

and I have things I pay-- I don't have just myself.

I have people that depend on me, too,

as much as I depend on them, and I can't give up on them,

because they didn't give up on me

when I thought that they would.

I'm trying to be Christina.

Like, I'm not worried about what you're doing

in your house or with your body.

Why are you so worried about me?

Like, you can't see that I am happy?

Because you don't know what I looked like before,

when I wanted to kill myself.

You don't know how hard it was to not kill myself.

I want people to be able to, to not look at me

and see the word "tranny."

And at the same time, I'm proud of being trans.

I want people to look at me and just be, like,

"Damn, she went through hell, her own version of it,

"and she's okay.

I can be okay, too."

And I hate that slogan, like, "It gets better."

And it sounds so terrible, but I do,

because, you know, I know that's to make people feel better

for the time, but, like, people need to hear the truth.

Like, it's (bleep) hard.

And that's why I feel like these people hurt themselves,

because they keep having people in their face

going, "It gets better," but they can't see it.

'Cause I'm living that "it gets better" thing

and it's still (bleep) hard.

It's hard, it's (bleep) hard.

You wanna be happy?

It's gonna be hard.

But someone cares and someone needs you.

(sniffs)

(TV playing in background)

(indistinct chatter)

(laughter)

JACK: You're getting a fever?

YAYA (on phone): Are you excited?

- I'm nervous.

YAYA: Ah, don't be nervous.

JACK: Did you get your temperature taken?

YAYA (grunting): I'll do it right now.

JACK: Yeah, show me the, show me the number.

Let's see what it is.

You really look like your mom with dark hair!

It freaks me out.

Maybe you have a bad fever.

-Maybe I'm the devil. (thermometer beeps)

JACK: Oh!

-100.2.

JACK: What if you're sick on Sunday?

Okay, here's the thing, if you're sick on Sunday,

do not come up here.

I can't get sick and that's a real thing.

YAYA:No, I know, I know. - And I also don't want

you to drive, obviously. (Yaya speaks inaudibly)

YAYA:Well, I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

I'm never sick... - Yeah,

but you do crazy (bleep) when you're sick, so, like...

(sighs)

All right, I love you. - I love you.

JACK: Bye. - Bye. Bye.

WOMAN: Bye! JACK: Oh, Yaya...

(indistinct chatter, footsteps)

JACK: I didn't read the internet at all.

I only listened to the doctor,

and then tonight, I decided to have a freak-out

and read the internet, and the internet said, "It sucks."

And then...

Now I feel like I didn't wanna have it,

but I'm gonna have it and I'm just gonna have it.

I talked to my mom tonight, and she said it's just normal

to be nervous about having surgery, but...

Tony's funny, he sent me a text message that was, like...

I'll have to read it, but it was just, like,

"You inspired me to be my true self."

(laughing): I was just, like...

Yeah, I think you're really your true self.

(laughing): There's, like, there's really no faking that.

If you're, if you're not you, there's a problem.

This is, like, counts for the pre-surgical scrub, right?

(chuckles)

You're bad.

(shower running)

(Jack clears throat)

(clears throat)

I was up all night. FILM PRODUCER: Yeah.

- I saw every hour of the clock.

FILM PRODUCER: Were you just stressing?

Or you weren't tired? - I was tired.

I was stressed, I guess.

(car bumps)

FILM PRODUCER: Sorry! (chuckling)

- Just flew out of me, guess we can turn around.

(laughter) Turn this car around!

I was thinking, "Maybe I am sick,"

and then I'm, like, "If this is

"a problem for them and they cancel it... (sniffles)

"is this just, like, the universe saying,

'Don't get it!'"

Why would the universe say not to get a hysterectomy,

I don't know.

FILM PRODUCER: Well, just get there and, you know,

tell your doctor what's up and take it from there, right?

YAYA: When I came out that I was gonna transition,

we were walking in Philly,

and we were doing something and I kinda nonchalantly said,

"Guys, I'm gonna transition into a woman."

And they all kinda looked at me

and then Jack was, like, "Really?"

And I was, like, "Yeah, I'm already taking estrogen.

I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna continue."

And that was kind of it.

And I had someone that I drove with in a car

and I had said to him, I said-- he was the first one,

we were driving back from one of my shows-- and I said,

"Ricky, I think I need to transition."

And I started to cry, and he goes,

"Well, from what I see, Yaya gets (bleep) done.

And Chris kinda isn't as strong."

And I said, "Because I'm not meant to be him,"

and he goes, "There's your answer."

That was it-- I just needed someone to confirm that.

I needed someone else that had picked up on that,

'cause I had gone everywhere like this.

Now Jack, he's binded himself and never dressed feminine.

I don't think-- I think the last time he dressed feminine was,

I think, high school prom.

And that was just for a prom, just for a picture,

just so they had it, you know?

It wasn't, it wasn't, like, I don't really think

that was really a choice of his own, I think it was,

"I have to do this to make my parents happy" type of thing.

I noticed he was kind of

always really drunk when he would come home

and always, like, he didn't wanna be

really near his family, who... And he loves his family!

But he was, like, drifting from them and I felt like it was

because he was, he knew deep down that he was not

who he was portraying and...

I don't know, I just...

You finally get to see him and you could see, like,

his chest poked out and he's, like,

walking with that masculine confidence

that he was suppressing, in a way.

Like, he let some of it out,

but now it's out, now, like,

he's, like, "This is me," you know?

Like, he's not afraid of things.

He has his moments that he'll call and go,

"I'm having a day,

I'm having a day," and I'm, like,

"Okay, what kind of day are you having today?"

"Oh, I didn't take my, I have to take my,

my testosterone, but I'm mad, I feel crazy!"

And I'm, like, "Okay, be mad and crazy.

What are you mad and crazy about?"

"Oh, it's this," I'm, like, "Oh, it's nothing.

"Oh, it's nothing, you'll be fine.

You'll be fine." "Uh, but, but, but, but..."

"You'll be fine, you'll be fine.

"Like, there are so many worse things that could happen.

You will be fine."

(directional clicking)

(TV playing in background)

TV NARRATOR:While living in small yet widely dispersed

groups that raise and teach their offspring...

(indistinct chatter)

Yeah.

(dog barking, glass clinking)

(door opens, bags shuffling)

YAYA (yawns): I'm starving.

(gasps): Come here, boyfriend!

Come here... Hi, I'm back, hi, hi!

So cute!

Hi. JACK: Hi.

- (giggles): I'm sorry.

Your mustache, look at it!

How are ya? - Are those new shoes?

I like them. - No, they're the same.

- They're cute.

YAYA: Where's the flour?

- In that red thing, the big one.

- Oh, yeah...

(pounding)

JACK: She's trying to be fancy.

- No, it's just, you didn't give me a rolling pin,

but look how far I got it so far.

- I use a wine bottle.

Don't move, okay?

- That's actually not a bad idea.

I get into the operating room, I get in there, then...

I'm still on my Valium, and it's all these nurses, like,

just all these beautiful women all around,

just anesthesiologists, doctors,

and I just, like, was crying, because I was really high,

and I'm, like, tears are in my eyes, and I just go,

"I'm just so glad there's no men here,"

and they all just start cracking up.

And then they just, like, were, like,

"Okay, count to ten backwards," or whatever, and then I was out.

Do you see my stomach? Look at it.

There's, like, a (bleep) watermelon in it.

YAYA: Aw...

I think we need to pull this up on the TV

and watch what they do and see-- I really do...

JACK: I feel, like, really sick.

And I don't even know when I'm gonna not feel like this.

YAYA: Oh, my God, you're... (laughs)

JACK: I'm gonna (bleep). YAYA: You're such a big baby.

You're gonna be so thankful in six months

when you never have to worry about this ever again.

JACK: I didn't say I wasn't

gonna be thankful, you (bleep). YAYA: I know,

but don't be a jerk.

What do you mean, "I don't know

when I'm gonna not feel like this?"

JACK: Just rub my lower back.

Call 911 if I faint.

YAYA: No, I'll just leave you there and look at you,

and take some pictures. (laughs)

JACK: You're going to be playing Candy Crush.

YAYA: Yeah, I'll play Candy Crush while you're passed out.

(murmurs) It's perfect.

(indistinct chatter)

JO ANN (in video): What's today, Jack?

Today is Super Bowl Sunday!

JO ANN: ...before I wreck the video camera...

- Today the Eagles are gonna win!

JO ANN: I hope so.

JO ANN: Dallas won, even though they suck.

Oh, well, not this year, boys.

(radio playing)

Third time's the charm!

He blocks, see how he came up and checked him?

'Cause the quarterback, if you go back...

JACK: Oh, I see. - Watch Matt Ryan,

he turns...

JACK: To go throw it back to him.

TONY: Back to him, and he sees he's covered.

Watch, just let it play,

he throws the ball, now look, look, look, look.

Now watch, look,

look, see, look! JACK: Yeah...

YAYA: I'm in here for a reason, hold on.

Oh, he took it, never mind, there is no reason.

John drinks the same wine I do now,

and I thought his open bottle was still in there,

so I was gonna drink it first.

They're so excited and cheery that it feels like that.

It feels like a holiday, which has kind of got me

in a good, decent mood.

Me, John, and Justin were literally, like,

"(bleep) this (bleep)," 'cause we've had enough.

We got, like, tormented!

Like, if they lost, everybody was mad and pissy,

and it was just, we were just, like, "I don't (bleep) care."

Plus, we were all gay.

And football was the thing that, like,

"You should play football, you guys are big boys!

You should be hitting people!"

And I'm, like, "Oh, I'm gonna hit people,

it's just not gonna be football."

I am excited for this game, though, because,

like I said, they all seem super, like, cheery and...

They just seem like...

What's the word? Alive?

Like, they usually are, like, die-hard, like, crazy.

That's why they have such a bad rap,

but they really seem like...

their hope is there.

(indistinct chatter)

JACK: Look at my dad, he's so anxious right now.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

Oh...! (groans)

WOMAN: All right!

MAN: Let's go!

(all screaming and cheering)

Needed that one! (cheers)

(indistinct chatter)

(all screaming)

- (bleep)! Was that a pick?!

- Yes! - Flip it!

(chatter, TV blaring)

JO ANN: I'm not looking, I'm not looking...

I'm not looking. (cheers)

- Oh, my God... - Touchdown!

(all screaming and cheering)

ALL: ♪ Fly, Eagles, fly

♪ Score a touchdown, one, two, one, two, three ♪

♪ Hit 'em low, hit 'em high ♪

♪ And watch our Eagles fly

E-A-G-L-E-S, Eagles!

Watch this catch. (inaudible)

(television playing)

The touchdown pass... (inaudible)

GAME ANNOUNCER (on TV): ...receiver in the clutch,

in the big moments in the fourth quarter...

- This is horrible.

(TV blaring)

- (bleep)! (bleep)!

Seven points doesn't mean we can't be beat.

Take all the clock off.

Eat up the clock.

Just eat the clock up, just eat the clock up.

JO ANN: Too much to eat!

MAN: I don't know if they're gonna have a chance...

MAN: One more play!

WOMAN: Oh, my God, I'm gonna be sick! I'm gonna be sick!

MAN: One more play. WOMAN: I'm gonna be sick!

WOMAN: Come on, guys.

WOMAN: Get 'em!

No, no, no... No. - Come on!

- He's in trouble, he's in trouble...

Guys, come on!

- We're intercepting that!

- That was so close. (indistinct chatter

- Game over, that's it!

(screaming and cheering)

JACK: Holy (bleep).

(all cheering)

- Yeah!

(all cheering)

Yeah!

TONY: That was probably the best Super Bowl I ever watched

in my life. Even though we won it!

JO ANN: That was insane!

It was the picture!

WOMAN: It was the picture.

(laughter)

MAN: I need a lighter-- who in here's got a lighter?

MAN: You're wearing number 36. YAYA: Oh, my God...

- My number was 41! (cheering, yelling)

I don't think this is a good time to talk to us.

FILM PRODUCER: I think it's the perfect time to talk to you.

- I don't think it's not good.

- (laughing): I don't think it's not good!

TONY: We did it, old man, we won! (bleep)!

- (giggling): Aww.

TONY: That's what I was waiting for, the end!

Don't tell me what I was doing,

"Oh, I was a (bleep) dad all day."

- All day long he was... - No, I was waiting for the end!

I was waiting for the end! - You were in...

You were in a bad mood all day! - I was waiting for the end!

- If the Eagles lost, we didn't talk on all,

well, from the rest of Sunday into Monday.

If the Eagles won, we went to 7-11 and we got nachos

and then we watched The Simpsons.

It was really cool.

- Even Pam's happy! - Holy (bleep)!

JACK (yells): Yaya!

(dogs barking)

Yaya, the dogs are barking!

Yaya! MAN: She's right here.

YAYA: Jack, I don't have the patience, shut up.

(Jack laughing) It's not even funny.

I'm gonna... JACK: Kim Kardashian.

- I don't picture her as a happy traveler.

JACK: Yaya, you're getting the dogs to bark. (giggling)

YAYA: You're doing it!

I'm not the one (bleep) screaming!

Here, you could have been a man and carried this.

JACK: We need to be... - I understand,

but you could have helped me and carried this.

And I also sold cupcakes for five minutes before

you walked in the kitchen. JACK: Yeah, I know.

YAYA: Well... it wasn't like I wasn't doing stuff!

JACK: Yeah, no,

I didn't think you weren't not doing stuff--

we gotta go! (closes trunk)

(indistinct chatter)

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

JACK: Mom, is your car parked?

JO ANN: Hurry up! JACK: I'm pushing it...

(kids playing)

JO ANN: All right, Chrissy, this is yours, baby.

(audio fades)

I was thankful that Chrissy had our house

to play with dolls and to be girly and to twirl.

I feel like she did it more at our house than her own.

Jack never really played with the dolls,

but I was too, like, oblivious.

I was, like, "I don't know, she's a girl,

I'm gonna give her dolls!"

It's weird I was oblivious to the fact that Jack

was Jack-- like, all the signs were there.

Like, when Jack was, like, three,

"I want a wallet like my dad!"

And he'd slick his hair back, and put the wallet

and wear jeans and I was, like, "All right, it's just a phase."

TONY: Where are we going first, JoJo?

- Home, home, so I can change!

Home, so I can change! (indistinct chatter)

- Home, so I can change, I don't care.

JO ANN: He was in high school.

And Jack was, like,

"Mom, I have something to tell you."

And I was, like, "Ooh, good!"

'Cause I was, like, happy he was talking to me,

you know how teenagers don't talk.

And Jack was, like, "No, it's not good.

Lindsay and I think we're gay."

(chuckles): And I was, like, "Okay, well,

it's probably just a phase, you know, you like each other."

I was so dumb, I'm, like...

Yeah, I was, like, in denial.

And then Traci and Jack and I went shopping one time

and they go into the men's department.

It really bothered me

that we were picking out boys' clothes.

And Traci thought it was nothing!

Like, Traci was, like, "Oh, yeah, Jack,

this flannel shirt will look good."

And Jack's, like, "Yeah!"

Like, it didn't even occur to...

And the whole time, I'm freaking out.

I'm thinking, "Why are we picking out..."

Like, it's okay to be a lesbian,

but, "Why're you wearing boys' clothes?"

And the hardest thing is saying "he."

That's the hardest for me, and telling people...

"Oh, do you have children?" Automatically, I would say,

"Oh, I have two daughters."

And then I'm, like, "Well, wait..."

And then I just started a new job and I'm, like,

"All right, should I just tell them

I have a son and a daughter? I'll just do that."

And then someone said, "Oh, do you have kids?"

I'm, like, "Yeah, I have two daughters," and I'm, like,

"Why'd I just say I have two daughters?"

No, Jack was always happy and easy and fun and...

I don't, I don't...

I don't think I do see a difference.

I guess Jack hides his anxiety well, I don't know.

They are the best.

They're, like, so not cookie-cutter.

And, like, they're both, like, so smart

and quick and fun to be around.

They're awesome.

JACK: Do you want this one?

YAYA: What? No, I want this one.

JACK: Okay. YAYA: It's purple, it matches.

JACK: Okay.

Let's race them.

YAYA: ♪ Sweet home Alabama (Jack laughs)

JACK: Our friendship is this giant thing.

Our friendship is huge.

Unless you have this, you don't get it.

You don't get a person, you do not,

you're not guaranteed a person

to be in your life from the time you can remember

till now. YAYA: Nobody does that.

Like, people don't stay friends like that.

JACK: You very rarely get to have a person

who knows all the (bleep) things you've said

and all the (bleep) things you've done and loves you still.

YAYA: That's a song.

- Which one? - "All the Things She Said."

- (laughing): Is that t.a.T.u.?!

(drums and percussion playing)

YAYA: Walk over?

JACK: I don't know, that's what I did last summer.

YAYA: Having him in my life has been so important.

We are so strongly connected in that weird way.

The best thing of knowing him for 30 years

is that connection.

Like, we just always were.

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